Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
Bartender says “Pirate, what’s with the roll of paper towels?”
“Arrr, I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
So tonight I told my wife 2 dad jokes and it went smooth as eggs.
DJ1:
Me: Knock knock
W: who’s there?
Me: interrupting mystical
W: Interru-
Me: screams at her face
…
DJ2:
Me: Knock knock
W: who’s there?
Me: Hawaii
W: Hawaii who?
Me: I’m fine, thank you. How about yourself?
Hope I don't slip on the butter.
I walk kinda funny now but my farts smell great!
I didn’t know she could fit on one!
I told him it should be {Sons Name} / Mommy. Since he came from her. Then I said he could reduce that fraction further since he came from his mommy, that fraction would equal....
One Whole
One of them says, “I think the book was better.”
Credit: Tiny Tower Bitbook
My family was having a burger night and I improvised some groaners:
Q - How does it sound when your cousin drives an ambulance?
A - Neeeenaaaaa-neeeeenaaaaa! (There is a cousin called Nina)
Q - How do you know when your cousin is coming to visit?
A - they ring the Issa-belle! (Yip, you guessed it there is a cousin called Issabelle)
Q - What does a dinosaur say to offer you a hot drink?
A - Would you like some tea, Rex? (Hate to over explain and ruin the joke but just in case - Rex )
Then during bathtime:
Q - When a crab goes to jail where do they lock him up?
A - A jail shell. (there was a decorative jar of shells there which I used as a muse for this piece)
Q - How does a daddy cow clean himself at night?
A - In a bub-bull bath. (Just came to me)
Q - What does an astronaut use in the bath?
A - A space cloth. (this one didn't really land but I stand by it)
Q - What do you use to wash your hair in the toilet?
A - Sham-poo (low hanging fruit but this one absolutely killed)
I was actually going to post a chemistry joke, but I was afraid I wouldn't get a reaction...
Me: Today was an awful day at work
Wife: Are you serious? Tell me about it
Me: I’m not Sirius, I’m your husband. And Itt was a short, hirsute creature who looked short of like a haystack with sunglasses; he was Gomez’s cousin and spoke in high pitched gibberish all the time. Now if we could get back to my day...
I looked and her and said "wait till tomorrow, I'll be on a bagel".
They arrest him for waving a fire arm.
Now there’s butter on my shoes
He was going through my box of strange things and had some interesting commentary.
Found an owl ring, asked, "Do people ever ask who gave it to you?"
Saw that my butterfly necklace was broken, asked, "Does that bug you?"
Was giving me tic tacs out of a container, gave me four and I said I only wanted two. "Sorry guys, guess it just wasn't mint to be."
He chuckled at himself for awhile after these.
The first joke was while we were watching tv and a commercial for the new show Atlantis came on, and dad said, "I hear that show is already under water."
The second was when we all got our stockings. Mom had given us scented pencils, and dad said, "You know what those are for right? It's so your writing doesn't stink"
My dad always follows up by asking "White or wheat?"
http://imgur.com/z6ZK0pq "Not the heavy petting zoo!"
This morning at breakfast my SO asked me how I eat my oatmeal. My response was "With my mouth." And at the bank a little later the teller asked how I wanted my cash back. I said "In my hands." ba dum tss
- Troupe of mimes starts a performance, turns to me: "Quiet! I wanna hear this!"
- Drum line guys walking around afterwards: "Why don't you take your drum and beat it!"
- Local art store named O'Dunn's: "Have you finished the painting yet? Are you o' dunn?"
All I could do was laugh and roll my eyes
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
So, I asked him: What’s up with the paper towels?
The Pirate said: Aarrr, I have a Bounty on my head
Bartender asks what that's all about.
Pirate says "arrrrrgh, I have a bounty on me head"
He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
