I did my personal best in the 100 metres today...

85 metres.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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My pet snake is 3.14 metres long

He's a Ο€ thon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ignorethevoices
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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What do you call a 3.14 metre long snake?

A Ο€-thon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/McKrabby7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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In my life I've been a maintenance mechanic, a make-up artist, a media director, a mender, a metre inspector, a microcomputer support specialist, a mill helper, a mirror installer, a music librarian and a mortician investigator.

That's my Mployment record.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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You should never ask a podiatrist about metres...

They only know feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExplosiveLlama
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2015
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I saw a sign on the highway that said no bicycles next 500 metres

...and it was right - there weren't.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crow_man
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
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Americans: I broke my foot

The rest of the world: I broke my metre

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xX_WarBlood_Xx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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My son just bought a 27-foot long canoe.

He told me it was really expensive because its material, kevlar, its seats, leather, and the hull, 9 yards.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catapult_Power
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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What do you call a yardstick in Europe?

A metermeter

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thomystic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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What do you call a Sasquatch living outside the US?

Big-0.3-metre

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamesgent32
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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What do you get when you cross an echidna with a snake?

A couple of metres of barbed wire

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deadly_R
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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long shower

I got my wife with this today:

Wife: "I'm going to take a shower now, but don't worry I won't have a long shower"

Me(dad): "I know; the shower is only about 1 square meter"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bstix
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2015
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My daughter has been learning to ride her bike for a while now.

It's been slow. She usually only manages a few metres in a straight line before stopping. Today she cycled along for ages with one arm held out to the side.

I think she's finally turning a corner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Neviss99
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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Overheard a good one in the waiting room

I was sat a few seats away from a man and his son/grandson and he was testing the kid on his math.

Man: "what's 2+2"
Kid: "4"
Man: "what's 4+4"
Kid: "8"
Man: what's 8+8"
Kid: "16"

This continued all the way up to 2048

Man: "okay then... if you have two yards, what have you got?"
Kid: "umm.... two metres?... a metre?"
Man: "no, you have a back yard and a front yard"

I let out a little chuckle but the kid didn't seem to enjoy it as much

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πŸ‘€︎ u/benji9t3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2014
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Velcro

I'm doing a project at home and went to the local arts and craft store for 2 metres of Velcro, wow it is so expensive. What a rip-off!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theph03n1x
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2014
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How far away is dinner

About 5 metres. Oh haha... (sarcastic) How long is it? About 5 inches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/angandstef
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2014
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Dad joked my wife while measuring curtains.

We only have about an hour and a half to measure then go and purchase curtains before the baby needs a nap
Wife: Be quick please, we only have a small window
Me: Actually its about 2 metres wide
Wife: Groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/F1NANCE
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
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I asked my dad "How far off is dinner"

"From where you are, i'ld say about 5 metres" hah hah...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mydadfukdurdad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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The first of what I'm sure are to be many front-page worthy posts... Such are the jokes of my dad.

Ok so my Dad was helping me move into my new uni accommodation last month and in the process we had to carry a lot of heavy boxes up my rather steep stairs.

Understandably, being a man in his 50's, he was a little bit worn out after lugging several metre-by-metre crates up to my room, generally full of heavy electrical equipment and books. After letting out a deep sigh he exhaled - 'Crikey, this is like the Great Stairs Crisis of 1965!'.

To my knowledge, or indeed to anyone else's knowledge (including my dad's), so such crisis ever occurred. I just hope he didn't hear my housemate sniggering in his room downstairs*; he does love a good dad joke.

*Ironically I've noticed that laughing at Dad jokes tends to make said Dad more depressed than when you don't, since they're usually fully aware of how bad their joke is and laughing at it only serves to remind them of the fact that people are actually paying attention to the regrettable nonsense which often leaves their mouths.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PantuTheDog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2013
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What do you call a snake that’s 3.14 metres long?

A Ο€-thon

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/priv_rex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
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What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A Ο€thon

πŸ‘︎ 186
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pooplicker888
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
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What do you call a snake that’s 3.14 metres long?

A Ο€-thon

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/priv_rex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
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