๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/goatsgomoo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 10 2011
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I'm so proud. My 12-year old told this joke during dinner: What degree does Dr. Pepper have?

Theoretical Fizz-ics

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/professorf
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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My wife got mad at me because I wouldnโ€™t stop singing โ€œIโ€™m a Believerโ€ by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DiosMioMan2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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I mean, I'm not wrong...
๐Ÿ‘︎ 138
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Joseph_Seed_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iโ€™m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerโ€ฆ.

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! โค๏ธ

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Big_Green_Grill_Bro
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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I'm dead
๐Ÿ‘︎ 195
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kooky-Collar8673
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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I'm getting hungry
๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ToastyZ71
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iโ€™m a man, everybody I know says Iโ€™m a man...

and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iโ€™m a 4-person family

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jaxerfp
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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I'm trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament,

but good players are really hard to find.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 248
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jgfum
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 01 2021
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Iโ€™m about to share a joke thatโ€™ll turn r/dadjokes upside down

sวสžoษพpษp/ษน

๐Ÿ‘︎ 615
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OwenJthomas89
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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I told my wife, โ€œFrom here on, Iโ€™m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order.โ€

She said, โ€œWhere will you find the time?โ€

Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 142
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2021
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This bloke said to me: โ€˜Iโ€™m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.โ€™

I said: โ€˜Is that a fret?'

๐Ÿ‘︎ 413
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/adfunk101
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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Iโ€™m flushed
๐Ÿ‘︎ 181
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jimmylathen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..

..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '

๐Ÿ‘︎ 554
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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I'm reading a book where the main character has a spine injury.

That's their back story.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 278
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DrBlastMaster3000
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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And all the girlies say Iโ€™m
๐Ÿ‘︎ 44
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_MeatPlow_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"

"That's M'Shell on my back!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Chainsmoker88
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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I'm sorry for taking your daughter's virginity!

It won't happen again

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2021
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I'm sorry for this
๐Ÿ‘︎ 532
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/chattyalexander
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"

The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 113
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jfshay
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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I have been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building.

I hope it's not terminal.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 38
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 01 2021
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My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten. reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cadaverkitten94
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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"Fool me once - I'm mad. Fool me twice - How could you? Fool me three times - You're officially that guy, okay?"
๐Ÿ‘︎ 66
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Retroman_86
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..

..that I can pull it off.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 388
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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I'm running a D&D campaign and I figured out the best riddle for the players to solve to open a door.

"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"

>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AFonziScheme
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 03 2021
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Her: Iโ€™m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.

Me: Wait. I can change.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

The news was hard for me to hear.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoeFas
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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When company uses a pun on their product, Iโ€™m sold.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 31
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheDorkKnight53
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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My wife left me because I'm insecure.

Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sattoth
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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And Iโ€™m sure he felt the burn too!
๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andresdoughmas
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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I'm a sea of feelings....

I am an emocean.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 29
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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Idk I'm too single to understand
๐Ÿ‘︎ 75
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Un_FaZed211
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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I'm starting to write a book about a tornado disaster

It's just a draft at the moment.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 296
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MyCatsAreDumb
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I'm taking indian cooking classes, because

I'm just so curryous about it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SleepOrderDis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....

And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 65
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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Iโ€™m sure heโ€™s thrilled
๐Ÿ‘︎ 62
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CaptainRon16
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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Two horses in a field, one says to the other โ€œIโ€™m so hungry, I could eat a horseโ€™

The other replies โ€˜moooโ€™

๐Ÿ‘︎ 321
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jackcw
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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I'm older that all those falcons...
๐Ÿ‘︎ 70
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Saleckin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.

Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)

Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?

Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??

Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!

I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.

Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 243
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/flash17k
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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I was fired from my job as a dentist, but Iโ€™m okay with it.

There was no hard fillings.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 44
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/buckeyespud
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 01 2021
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I'm not prepared
๐Ÿ‘︎ 85
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mathucub
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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Iโ€™m trying to grow auto parts on my farm.

Iโ€™m expecting a bumper crop.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Newbosterone
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2021
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I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

He stepped on a landmine.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2021
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This one is bad. Iโ€™m so sorry.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 192
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OfficialOP
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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Iโ€™m driving through England, and will be staying in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 98
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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I'm trying to organise a hide and seek tournament.

But good players are hard to find.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 171
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 02 2021
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My wife told me to stop singing โ€œIโ€™m a believerโ€ because itโ€™s annoying. At first I thought she was kidding...

But then I saw her face.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cigarandcreamsoda
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 01 2021
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Was in a bar when this guy said to me, โ€œIโ€™m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!โ€ I shot back...

โ€œIs that a fret?!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 111
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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