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︎ Jan 10 2011
I'm so proud. My 12-year old told this joke during dinner: What degree does Dr. Pepper have?
๐︎ 11k
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︎ Apr 30 2021
My wife got mad at me because I wouldnโt stop singing โIโm a Believerโ by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 02 2021
I mean, I'm not wrong...
๐︎ 138
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iโm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerโฆ.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! โค๏ธ
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I'm dead
๐︎ 195
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︎ Apr 27 2021
I'm getting hungry
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Mar 19 2021
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iโm a man, everybody I know says Iโm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iโm a 4-person family
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I'm trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament,
but good players are really hard to find.
๐︎ 248
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︎ May 01 2021
Iโm about to share a joke thatโll turn r/dadjokes upside down
๐︎ 615
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︎ Mar 24 2021
I told my wife, โFrom here on, Iโm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order.โ
She said, โWhere will you find the time?โ
Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.
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︎ May 05 2021
This bloke said to me: โIโm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.โ
I said: โIs that a fret?'
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Iโm flushed
๐︎ 181
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︎ Apr 12 2021
A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..
..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I'm reading a book where the main character has a spine injury.
๐︎ 278
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︎ Apr 09 2021
And all the girlies say Iโm
๐︎ 44
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︎ Apr 19 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
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︎ Jan 25 2021
I'm sorry for taking your daughter's virginity!
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︎ May 04 2021
I'm sorry for this
๐︎ 532
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︎ Mar 18 2021
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I have been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building.
I hope it's not terminal.
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︎ May 01 2021
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
๐︎ 2k
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︎ Feb 15 2021
"Fool me once - I'm mad. Fool me twice - How could you? Fool me three times - You're officially that guy, okay?"
๐︎ 66
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..
..that I can pull it off.
๐︎ 388
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︎ Apr 01 2021
I'm running a D&D campaign and I figured out the best riddle for the players to solve to open a door.
"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"
>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<
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︎ May 03 2021
Her: Iโm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
๐︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 23 2021
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
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︎ Jan 24 2021
When company uses a pun on their product, Iโm sold.
๐︎ 31
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︎ Apr 27 2021
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
๐︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
And Iโm sure he felt the burn too!
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︎ Jan 30 2021
I'm a sea of feelings....
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︎ Apr 29 2021
Idk I'm too single to understand
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︎ Mar 30 2021
I'm starting to write a book about a tornado disaster
It's just a draft at the moment.
๐︎ 296
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︎ Mar 05 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
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︎ Apr 30 2021
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
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︎ Apr 20 2021
Iโm sure heโs thrilled
๐︎ 62
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︎ Apr 01 2021
Two horses in a field, one says to the other โIโm so hungry, I could eat a horseโ
The other replies โmoooโ
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︎ Mar 20 2021
I'm older that all those falcons...
๐︎ 70
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.
Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)
Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?
Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??
Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!
I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.
Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I was fired from my job as a dentist, but Iโm okay with it.
There was no hard fillings.
๐︎ 44
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︎ May 01 2021
I'm not prepared
๐︎ 85
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︎ Apr 13 2021
Iโm trying to grow auto parts on my farm.
Iโm expecting a bumper crop.
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︎ May 05 2021
I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died.
He stepped on a landmine.
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︎ May 04 2021
This one is bad. Iโm so sorry.
๐︎ 192
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Iโm driving through England, and will be staying in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
I'm trying to organise a hide and seek tournament.
But good players are hard to find.
๐︎ 171
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︎ May 02 2021
My wife told me to stop singing โIโm a believerโ because itโs annoying. At first I thought she was kidding...
๐︎ 21
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︎ May 01 2021
Was in a bar when this guy said to me, โIโm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!โ I shot back...
๐︎ 111
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︎ Mar 29 2021
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