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︎ Jan 10 2011
Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns ? I'm trying to think of any words that have..
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︎ May 23 2021
I'm so proud. My 12-year old told this joke during dinner: What degree does Dr. Pepper have?
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︎ Apr 30 2021
I'm in a band called Dyslexia....
We've just released our Greatest Shit album.
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︎ May 17 2021
I'm a fisherman, and I'm dating a mermaid.
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︎ May 21 2021
My wife got mad at me because I wouldnโt stop singing โIโm a Believerโ by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
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︎ Apr 02 2021
I'm a social vegan...
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︎ May 11 2021
"I'm coming over"
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︎ May 16 2021
Hi there, I'm Buzz Aldrin, the second person to ever walk on the moon..
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︎ May 14 2021
I mean, I'm not wrong...
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iโm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerโฆ.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! โค๏ธ
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iโm a man, everybody I know says Iโm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iโm a 4-person family
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I'm dead
๐︎ 198
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︎ Apr 27 2021
I'm getting hungry
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︎ Mar 19 2021
I'm a bad electrician...
People are usually shocked when they find out.
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︎ May 14 2021
I'm trying to eat more kale because it's healthy. But when I see it on my plate, I ask myself...
Do the ends really justify the greens?
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︎ May 12 2021
I'm not addicted to cocaine
I just like the smell of it, that's all.
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︎ May 26 2021
Iโm reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
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︎ May 19 2021
Iโm about to share a joke thatโll turn r/dadjokes upside down
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︎ Mar 24 2021
I'm trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament,
but good players are really hard to find.
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︎ May 01 2021
Iโm ashamed to say this, but I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I donโt know Y (possible repost, but I donโt care)
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︎ May 20 2021
My dad had a piece of skin from his shoulder grafted to his nose today. I'm just glad he'll always have a shoulder to cry on.
I also told him "now you'll be able to put your nose up at someone and give them the cold shoulder at the same time"
He thought I was "very punny"
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︎ May 13 2021
This bloke said to me: โIโm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.โ
I said: โIs that a fret?'
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Iโm flushed
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︎ Apr 12 2021
I told my wife, โFrom here on, Iโm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order.โ
She said, โWhere will you find the time?โ
Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.
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︎ May 05 2021
I'm a 40 year old woman who delivers babies for a living and I just bought a brand new Corvette...
Everyone thinks I'm have a Midwife crisis.
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︎ May 20 2021
Her : I am leaving , I'm sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every hour .
Me : Wait . I can change .
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︎ May 24 2021
I'm a very spontaneous person
*proceeds to burst into flames*
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︎ May 25 2021
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
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︎ May 24 2021
A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..
..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I'm not sure what the big deal is with the national bird of the U.S
I've never seen its balls, but people keep saying it's a Balled Eagle
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︎ May 21 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
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︎ Jan 25 2021
I'm opening a chain of elvis themed steak restaurants
It's for people who love meat tender
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︎ May 22 2021
o m g
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︎ May 14 2021
I'm reading a book where the main character has a spine injury.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
And all the girlies say Iโm
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︎ Apr 19 2021
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
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︎ Feb 15 2021
I'm sorry for this
๐︎ 530
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Her: OMG I'M CUMMING!?!?
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︎ May 16 2021
Iโm stuck on the toilet!
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︎ May 09 2021
I'm sorry for taking your daughter's virginity!
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︎ May 04 2021
Me: โIโm kidding. I was just making a dad joke.โ
8-year-old daughter: โMakes sense. Cuz I didnโt laugh.โ
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︎ May 12 2021
Iโll tell you what! Today Iโm constipatedโฆ
โฆand I donโt give a crap!
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︎ May 24 2021
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
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︎ Apr 16 2021
"Fool me once - I'm mad. Fool me twice - How could you? Fool me three times - You're officially that guy, okay?"
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︎ Apr 28 2021
I'm trying to organise a hide and seek tournament.
But good players are hard to find.
๐︎ 172
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︎ May 02 2021
I'm opening a chain of Elvis themed steak restaurants...
It will be for people who love meat tender.
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︎ May 21 2021
Her: Iโm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
๐︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 23 2021
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Jan 24 2021
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