So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
A Spanish-speaking magician announced that would disappear on the count of three. "Uno...dos...." POOF!
He disappeared without a tres.
What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
Doctor to patient do you smoke?
Patient: yes.
Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?
Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.
A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
What do you call a typo on a headstone?
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
You do realise that Vampires aren't real...
Unless you Count Dracula.
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??
An Optical Aleutian
I’ll see myself out...
Do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is?
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”
I said, “Where did that come from?”
Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.
What do Mexicans eat when it's cold out?
What do you call a depressed man with a robotic arm?
Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you don’t turn your back on family.
What do you call a wreath made of $100 bills?
What do you call a calculator that works instantly?
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in. My 7yr old daughter just told me this, so proud!
Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles!
I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?
Where do mansplainers get their water?
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
How do you turn six into nine?
What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?
What do you call it when someone bellow the age of 18 has a problem
What do Italian ghosts eat?
What do you get when you combine a porcupine and a turtle?
A slowpoke!
*a friend of mine told me this and I thought it would fit well here
What do call an animal that knows if you're lying?
How do you steal a sweater?
My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
What do you call a fear of giants?
Feefiphobia
Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.
What do you call a bear with no ear?
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
What do snowmen call their offspring?
How do Mexicans decide who gets promoted?
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
How do pirates like their women?
What do cows chew.......................................
MOOING GUM..................................................................
My 8 year old told me this and I'm curious as to how many up votes it gets, if you don't like it please down vote without any bad feelings .
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4, they'd be called chicken sedans.
A Spanish-speaking magician announced that he would disappear on the count of three. "Uno...dos..." POOF!!
He disappeared without a tres.
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