People act like the North and South poles are exactly the same

...but really, there’s a whole world of differences between them.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrindoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My Wife told our kids they need to get their acts together.

I asked if it would be ok if they gathered their swords instead. She was not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ranyave
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
(OC) Why do magicians not use horses in their acts?

Because they aren’t just difficult, they are neigh impossible!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faux_real_yo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. β€œUno” β€œDos”

And then he vanished, without a tres.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cookiesncream6969
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I won’t act like I’m not impressed
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/choshmo
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."

"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking of entering a talent show. I have two ideas for my act. Either a Blues Traveler cover band, or an impression of Richard Nixon.

I'm hoping to win, by Hook or by Crook.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/epitomizer1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend told me, β€œYou have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”

It was a third degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 483
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I just saw a couple guys in white face act like they were caught in a trap and can't walk out.

Suspicious mimes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuriouslySentient
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
People act really weird on the Metro

It must be a sub-culture...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I have been working on the most illogical street performance act...

It makes no cents.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnykelly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Ever since my sex change my son acts like I’m not here...

Maybe it’s because I’m trans-parent

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bennyblueberry
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
So they are making this movie where Michael J. Fox voice acts for a time traveling chicken.

They call it Bawk to the Future.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rpdaca
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I look just like my dad, but I’m really embarrassed by how he acts.

He’s my apparent aberrant parent

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bentup85
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife takes away my inhaler whenever I act up

To this day, she still takes my breath away

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ohm_B
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Act as if you are a carrier...
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atmatthewat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
The following depicts scenes of gratuitous heteronormative sexual acts

Sensitive viewers are advised to avert their gays

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Childhoodcocaine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I suddenly couldn't go out and act because I received lots of crates of materials...

I had stage freight.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
When my kleptomania acts up,

I take something

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sbeve0987654321
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone acts like they’re so PC these days

But Mac sales have been going up!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/privilegedpickle
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I really want to see Patrick Warburton do a stand-up comedy act where he just reads dad jokes.

That shit would be Kronk.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTayloceraptor
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend the comedian normally gets lots of applause after his act, but the last time it was nothing but boos...

He must have been having a bad har day.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend said, β€œYou have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Why Do You Have To Act Quickly During A Flood

Because it's an emergent sea.

πŸ‘︎ 525
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackKeogh01
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens when Po from kung fu panda acts like a jerk?

He becomes a skadouchebag

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phail64endo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend wanted to go over our act for the variety show...

He said, "let's revue."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What is it called when you witness an act of god in a mirror?

A mirrorcle.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarthbane
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a chick that acts like a dude?
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VORT-X
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A ram-dom act of vandalism gfycat.com/definitivezany…
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/serbedemer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude and acts lazy?

A beaver that doesn't give a dam!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/igi23295
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
If being cool was an act of terrorism then I'd be winning the Nobel Peace prize
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crispybacon62
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Why must you act quickly during a flood?

Because it's an emergent sea.

πŸ‘︎ 174
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kas0510
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My magician friend used to have a part of his act where he saws a donkey in half...

It was a half-assed attempt at magic.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
How do directors know if an actor is acting or just pretending to act?
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act…

It was an automated phone system which said, "Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2017
🚨︎ report
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...

The hare vanished into thin hair.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.

I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RebelRaven94
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.

It was a stage he was going through.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife said β€œYou have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…”

It was a third degree burn

πŸ‘︎ 400
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MonotoneYay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
🚨︎ report
When I went into the barn I saw my father doing a strip tease act in front of our tractor

He explained that he went to a marriage counselor because mom didn't want to be intimate anymore. The counselor told him he should do something sexy to attract her.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ABitOfALuddite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My mime friend's best performance is when he acts like a piece of paper...

He remains stationary.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
The female version of The Bro Code should be called The Sister Act.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MurphysCook
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I got kicked out of the Mime Academy for performing unspeakable acts

Kind of glad they kicked me out because their curriculum made me feel boxed in

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chef_Boiardee11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
(OC) Why do magicians not use horses in their acts?

Because they aren’t just difficult, they are neigh impossible!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faux_real_yo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
You have to act quickly during a flood.

Because it's an emergent sea.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaranon
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend said, β€œYou have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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