How do you measure a snake? In inches, because they donβt have feet.

But you measure rattlesnakes in meters, because they have rhythm.

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π€︎ u/Satchmoi
π︎ May 29
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How do you measure a red hot chilli pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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π€︎ u/dandan_56
π︎ Jun 09
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What is the best way to measure a lawn?

With a yardstick

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π€︎ u/martianrome
π︎ May 26
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What unit of measure do pirates use?

YARRRDS

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π︎ Apr 04
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How do guinea pigs measure time?

In wheeks.

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π€︎ u/limacharley
π︎ Jun 07
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How do potatoes measure their speed?

The spudometer, of course.

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π︎ Apr 10
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How do you measure a kingβs foot?

with a ruler.

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π€︎ u/Echo_The_God
π︎ Apr 17
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Why can't electronics hobbyists measure voltage?

They're only ammeters.

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π€︎ u/twowheeledfun
π︎ Feb 05
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How do you measure the power of love?

In jewels It's an engineering joke

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π€︎ u/Scoob1978
π︎ Feb 24
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What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit a measure?

Mass confusion.

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π€︎ u/Mighty_Platypus
π︎ Jan 16
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My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles

It was a protracted battle

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π€︎ u/RatherBeSkiing
π︎ Jan 09
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Whatβs a communistβs favorite thing to measure time with

An our-glass

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π€︎ u/MunchieMAG
π︎ Dec 19 2020
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How do elves measure their height?

In Santa-meters!

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π︎ Dec 09 2020
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How do farmers measure land?

They use protractors.

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π€︎ u/chairlegnumber4
π︎ Dec 27 2020
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My tape measure fell asleep

I found it very inch-resting

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π€︎ u/vwraider
π︎ Oct 05 2020
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How did the ghost measure all its Halloween activities?

With its scarecard!

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π€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
π︎ Oct 26 2020
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Driving the neighborhood, I told my son we would use the odometer to measure out our Turkey Trot 5k

> Son: It's gonna take a lot of yard sticks.

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π€︎ u/onejdc
π︎ Nov 29 2020
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How do you measure Firefox's output?

With a Mozilloscope

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π€︎ u/zombie-narwhals
π︎ Nov 18 2020
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As a covid detection measure, the eyeglass place took my temperature before I could see the eye doctor.

Does anyone know how I can get it back?

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π€︎ u/Calthropstu
π︎ Oct 31 2020
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So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

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π€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
π︎ Aug 24 2019
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How do you measure the speed of joy?...

In smiles per hour!

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π€︎ u/throwaway2032015
π︎ Nov 08 2020
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I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

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π€︎ u/caruano95
π︎ Dec 29 2018
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Pope decides on new measures to keep Cardinals on their toes.

He raised the Vatican urinals by 4 inches.

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π€︎ u/Rocknocker
π︎ Oct 07 2020
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How do you think they measure the weight of bones?

They probably Skel-a-Ton at a time!

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π€︎ u/YourAnimateJonnyV
π︎ Oct 03 2020
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Why should you always measure a snake in inches?

Because they have no feet!

(Courtesy of Snake Discovery on YouTube)

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π€︎ u/sherlocked776
π︎ Jul 29 2020
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Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.

He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..

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π€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
π︎ Aug 14 2020
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How do you measure a social media influencerβs popularity?

By dimensions

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π︎ May 13 2020
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What does a ninja use to measure someone's pulse

A **stealthoscope**

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π€︎ u/kickypie
π︎ Jul 10 2020
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My next door neighbour told me that every morning when he measures his allotment, it is a couple of inches smaller than the day before.

I think he is slowly losing the plot...

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π€︎ u/AustralianGroan
π︎ Jun 05 2020
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What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?

Degrees.

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π€︎ u/magicoddeffect
π︎ Mar 30 2020
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How do Americans measure images?

They use footage

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π€︎ u/FrienlyAsian
π︎ May 28 2020
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How do you measure millennials?

In Instagrams

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π€︎ u/CyberSpork
π︎ May 20 2019
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How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?

By Demeter.

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π€︎ u/NotHavoc
π︎ Dec 30 2019
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Why do guys keep a tape measure under their bed?

To measure how long they sleep!

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π︎ Apr 22 2020
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Why is it hard to measure power usage with differential equations?

Because Watt and Euler don't mix.

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π︎ Jan 04 2020
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My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
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π€︎ u/modestmolerat
π︎ Oct 09 2018
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Two scientists are trying to come up with a way to measure temperature.

One shows the other a prototype thermometer.

"We haven't figured out what to call it yet, but I need you to tell me what temperature this room is when i turn off the air conditioner so it cools to room temperature."

The other scientist gives him the OK and he walks out of the room to turn off the heater.

"OK, what temperature is it?"

"There's no marks on it!" The other scientist replied.

"Well, tell me the height of the mercury on the inside, relative to length of the bottle!"

"Alright" The scientist says. "In that case, it's fair in height"

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π︎ May 08 2020
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What do you call someone who measures how long you're on your front wheels?

An Endocrinologist (Endo-Chronologist)

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π€︎ u/MaximusYeet
π︎ Nov 30 2019
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How do you measure shoes?

By the foot.

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π€︎ u/Kabukimansanjoe
π︎ Mar 16
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How do you measure the heaviness of a 2.4 million Scoville chilli pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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π€︎ u/Merlin-5
π︎ Feb 02
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How do communist measure time?

In ours.

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π€︎ u/UntamablePig
π︎ Nov 14 2020
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How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.

π︎ 10k
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π︎ Mar 08 2020
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How do you measure how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now...

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π€︎ u/ScottyOfAus
π︎ Jul 12 2020
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How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

π︎ 156
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π€︎ u/GrayingMantis
π︎ May 20 2020
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How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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π€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
π︎ Sep 23 2020
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How do you measure a snake?

In inches they donβt have feet!

π︎ 8
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π︎ Jun 07 2020
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How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

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π€︎ u/kickypie
π︎ Feb 19 2020
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How do you measure how heavy a red, hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

π︎ 205
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π€︎ u/karmisson
π︎ Oct 11 2019
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How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

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π€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
π︎ Mar 23 2020
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