How do you measure a snake? In inches, because they don’t have feet.

But you measure rattlesnakes in meters, because they have rhythm.

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Satchmoi
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
How do you measure a red hot chilli pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
What is the best way to measure a lawn?

With a yardstick

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/martianrome
πŸ“…︎ May 26
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What unit of measure do pirates use?

YARRRDS

πŸ‘︎ 351
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbrasky43
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
How do guinea pigs measure time?

In wheeks.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/limacharley
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
How do potatoes measure their speed?

The spudometer, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Isntitabouttime69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
How do you measure a king’s foot?

with a ruler.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo_The_God
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
Why can't electronics hobbyists measure voltage?

They're only ammeters.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twowheeledfun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05
🚨︎ report
How do you measure the power of love?

In jewels It's an engineering joke

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
🚨︎ report
What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit a measure?

Mass confusion.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mighty_Platypus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
🚨︎ report
My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles

It was a protracted battle

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RatherBeSkiing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
What’s a communist’s favorite thing to measure time with

An our-glass

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MunchieMAG
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
How do elves measure their height?

In Santa-meters!

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How do farmers measure land?

They use protractors.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chairlegnumber4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My tape measure fell asleep

I found it very inch-resting

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vwraider
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the ghost measure all its Halloween activities?

With its scarecard!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Driving the neighborhood, I told my son we would use the odometer to measure out our Turkey Trot 5k

> Son: It's gonna take a lot of yard sticks.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure Firefox's output?

With a Mozilloscope

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie-narwhals
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
As a covid detection measure, the eyeglass place took my temperature before I could see the eye doctor.

Does anyone know how I can get it back?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you measure the speed of joy?...

In smiles per hour!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwaway2032015
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caruano95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Pope decides on new measures to keep Cardinals on their toes.

He raised the Vatican urinals by 4 inches.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you think they measure the weight of bones?

They probably Skel-a-Ton at a time!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourAnimateJonnyV
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you always measure a snake in inches?

Because they have no feet!

(Courtesy of Snake Discovery on YouTube)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sherlocked776
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.

He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure a social media influencer’s popularity?

By dimensions

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eladabbub
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a ninja use to measure someone's pulse

A **stealthoscope**

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My next door neighbour told me that every morning when he measures his allotment, it is a couple of inches smaller than the day before.

I think he is slowly losing the plot...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?

Degrees.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magicoddeffect
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
How do Americans measure images?

They use footage

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrienlyAsian
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure millennials?

In Instagrams

πŸ‘︎ 255
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyberSpork
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
🚨︎ report
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?

By Demeter.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotHavoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do guys keep a tape measure under their bed?

To measure how long they sleep!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is it hard to measure power usage with differential equations?

Because Watt and Euler don't mix.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmadeusMop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/modestmolerat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Two scientists are trying to come up with a way to measure temperature.

One shows the other a prototype thermometer.

"We haven't figured out what to call it yet, but I need you to tell me what temperature this room is when i turn off the air conditioner so it cools to room temperature."

The other scientist gives him the OK and he walks out of the room to turn off the heater.

"OK, what temperature is it?"

"There's no marks on it!" The other scientist replied.

"Well, tell me the height of the mercury on the inside, relative to length of the bottle!"

"Alright" The scientist says. "In that case, it's fair in height"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who measures how long you're on your front wheels?

An Endocrinologist (Endo-Chronologist)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusYeet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you measure shoes?

By the foot.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kabukimansanjoe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
🚨︎ report
How do you measure the heaviness of a 2.4 million Scoville chilli pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
How do communist measure time?

In ours.

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UntamablePig
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DanOfAllTrades80
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now...

πŸ‘︎ 249
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyOfAus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayingMantis
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure a snake?

In inches they don’t have feet!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaddyCatChanYT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure how heavy a red, hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

πŸ‘︎ 205
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karmisson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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