How do communist measure time?

In ours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UntamablePig
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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How do elves measure their height?

In Santa-meters!

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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Driving the neighborhood, I told my son we would use the odometer to measure out our Turkey Trot 5k

> Son: It's gonna take a lot of yard sticks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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How do you measure Firefox's output?

With a Mozilloscope

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie-narwhals
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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As a covid detection measure, the eyeglass place took my temperature before I could see the eye doctor.

Does anyone know how I can get it back?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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How did the ghost measure all its Halloween activities?

With its scarecard!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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How do you measure the speed of joy?...

In smiles per hour!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwaway2032015
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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My tape measure fell asleep

I found it very inch-resting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vwraider
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Pope decides on new measures to keep Cardinals on their toes.

He raised the Vatican urinals by 4 inches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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How do you think they measure the weight of bones?

They probably Skel-a-Ton at a time!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourAnimateJonnyV
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.

He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Why should you always measure a snake in inches?

Because they have no feet!

(Courtesy of Snake Discovery on YouTube)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sherlocked776
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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What does a ninja use to measure someone's pulse

A **stealthoscope**

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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How do you measure a social media influencer’s popularity?

By dimensions

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eladabbub
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caruano95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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My next door neighbour told me that every morning when he measures his allotment, it is a couple of inches smaller than the day before.

I think he is slowly losing the plot...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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How do Americans measure images?

They use footage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrienlyAsian
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?

Degrees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/magicoddeffect
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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Why do guys keep a tape measure under their bed?

To measure how long they sleep!

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Two scientists are trying to come up with a way to measure temperature.

One shows the other a prototype thermometer.

"We haven't figured out what to call it yet, but I need you to tell me what temperature this room is when i turn off the air conditioner so it cools to room temperature."

The other scientist gives him the OK and he walks out of the room to turn off the heater.

"OK, what temperature is it?"

"There's no marks on it!" The other scientist replied.

"Well, tell me the height of the mercury on the inside, relative to length of the bottle!"

"Alright" The scientist says. "In that case, it's fair in height"

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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?

By Demeter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotHavoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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How do you measure a snake? /r/Jokes/comments/foi167/…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patchy72
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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If your country has not started corona measures early enough...

Does it mean hindsight is 2020?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/larsvondank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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Today someone has stolen a rock which measures 1760 yards in length.

That must be some kind of milestone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Suave_Sidd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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Why is it hard to measure power usage with differential equations?

Because Watt and Euler don't mix.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmadeusMop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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I’m having an affair with a tape measure.

It’s amazing the lengths it will go to please me.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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I made a device to measure earthquakes.

It turned out to be faulty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jo-Sizzle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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What do you call someone who measures how long you're on your front wheels?

An Endocrinologist (Endo-Chronologist)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusYeet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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How do you measure millennials?

In Instagrams

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyberSpork
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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Imagine if the Americans started using Kilograms to measure weight.

There would be mass confusion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ifcarscouldspeak
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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You can measure light and sound, but how do you measure smell?

scentimeters

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/modestmolerat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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My Dad asked for help with measuring but kept letting go of the other end of the tape measure

He was measuring my patience

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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What is it called when a Scotsman agrees with you in equal measure?

An aye for an aye.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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How do you measure the size of a picture made out of pennies?

In "cent"-ipixels.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_PoodlePants
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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Using exactly 12" of duct tape to fix a leaking pipe is a Stop-Gap Measure

Duct tape used for everything, including puns

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirGreybush
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?

Shepherds Pie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Neko_Queen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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What unit do European cats use to measure volume?

Kitti-liter

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hackmark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanOfAllTrades80
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now...

πŸ‘︎ 248
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyOfAus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayingMantis
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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How do you measure a snake?

In inches they don’t have feet!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaddyCatChanYT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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How do you measure how heavy a red, hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karmisson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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How do you measure the mass of a Red Hot Chili Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

πŸ‘︎ 238
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RzRshRp98
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
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How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report

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