Every year, I re-assess how much I support states' rights

It's my annual pro-state exam

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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My doctor assessed my condition and grimaced. 'I--uh, I give you two weeks max."

"Bad news," I said, "and my name is Tom."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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"How long were you asleep last night?" asked my therapist, assessing my face.

"Same as usual," I replied. "About five foot ten."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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I just failed my assessment to be a pasta chef

Overall it was good, but I made a fusilli mistakes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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Just got the results of my assessment to be part of the air display team

I passed with flying colours

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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I woke up this morning and found that two of my car wheels had somehow fallen off.

I immediately thought it was the best idea to check if at least the engine was still able to run before deciding to get a mechanic to assess the situation. I put the key in and gave it a go but I got nothing

I guess the car was two tired.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/irieball
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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Best Joke I’ve Ever Heard As An Optician

I was working a pre-assessment with an older guy before his exam and while I was checking his vision he stops and says;

β€œI was at the eye doctor the other day and I told the doc, β€˜hey man, why is it that everywhere I look, all I see is penises?’ The doctor told me, β€˜well, that’s because you’re cock-eyed.’”

I stopped what I was doing and laughed pretty hard, pretty loud, and shook the guys hand and told him he was hired.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theoverseer20
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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I went to a local festival and I thought it was just alright.

I think that's a fair assessment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMagicalMark
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
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Dad joke in ER

Last night, my girlfriend's grandma was admitted to a nearby hospital for a heart rhythm abnormality. The admitting physician was a great guy, and concluded his admission assessment with a spontaneous, and entirely unrelated, dad joke.

"Did you hear about the two burglars who stole a calendar? They each got six months."

He promptly dropped his stethoscope and left. Boom.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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Wife beats me at last

So, I've been infuriating my wife with dadjokes for some time now. Phrases such as "I hate you" and "please don't ever speak again" are all-too-common.

Recently, my wife measured my size for a piece of a breathing machine that attaches to my nose (I have sleep apnea).

Me: Oh honey you were right about the breathing machine. I'm definitely a size medium!

Wife: I was right about the nose thing?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Would you say that my assessment was on the nose?

I stood back in awe. She had bested me. I will never, ever, be able to tell a dadjoke like that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fudgebert
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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Butt...

We are at the dinner table, eating dinner. My six year old daughter asks if she can be excused from the table.

I told her no, and she says "But..." and I cut her off saying we do not say potty words at the table, and that she needs to use the word Bottom instead.

Cue serious six year old confusion as she assesses the situation, mom rolls eyes.

Edit: Cue not Queue ueueueueueueue

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πŸ‘€︎ u/For-The-Swarm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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Are you Vladimir Tootin' or Vladimir Pootin'?

Generally uttered while assessing my eight-month-old twins' diaper situations. Because you never know if they just tooted or shat…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/platetone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
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Fireman told me this one

Really close family friend of ours told us this one that allegedly happened while he was on duty. I'm going to tell it from his perspective, as it reads the 'funniest'.

So I'm on duty and we have to go and put out a simple brush fire off to the side of a busy intersection. Since it's the dry season of Southern California literally the smallest spark can cause a giant fire you know, so we're trying to put it out pretty fast. So we arrive there and we notice that an ambulance is speeding down the road to this one pretty sharp bend, and you know, they're making haste since they're on a code 3. A code 3 is where both the siren and the lights are on at the same time and they obviously have something that they need to do. Anyways, they're speeding around this corner and one of the backdoors gets flung open and a cooler flies out and lands at the curb. By this point we've handled the fire and we're just assessing the damage, like where it's spread, stuff like that, so I go and retrieve the container and I open it and inside there's a human toe in there. I tell most of my crew and we decide that we'll get the toe back to the paramedics and then head back to the station. So we call the emergency services and we let them know that some EMT's have left a human body part and didn't come back to get it. They tell us, "we'll have someone come pick it up soon". We wait about 20 minutes and no one arrives and we're all a bit startled that no one's come back to come pick up a fucking human toe, so we call back and they give us the same thing. Half an hour goes by so I decide to call AAA and see if they can help us. Sure enough, AAA is able to help us and within 10 minutes they dispatch the help we need by sending us a toe truck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XIGRAHAMIX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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I dadjoked my Girlfriend today

My girlfriend described a new coworker when she got home.

Girlfriend: "She was really pale and blonde."

Me: "That's a fair assessment!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexmhelfand
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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