I was trying to analyze why I’m still single.

So I divided the data according to the ex-axis and the why-axis.

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📅︎ Mar 18 2018
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In one of my statistics classes, we were given a task to measure and analyze the fumes coming from tailpipes of various cars and to track their environmental impact.

It was exhausting.

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👤︎ u/sum_buddy
📅︎ Sep 07 2017
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If a Swedish robot analyzes a bird

It's scanned an avian

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📅︎ Dec 26 2015
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I collected and analyzed a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

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📅︎ Sep 08 2018
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In the movies, silver bullets can kill werewolves.

In the military, it's used for analyzing heat casualties.

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👤︎ u/Slymood
📅︎ Aug 15 2020
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Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

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👤︎ u/Semujin
📅︎ May 16 2020
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I got the book "Internet Forums for Dummies" from a friend...

But I need to take it back, because I already reddit.

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📅︎ Mar 07 2016
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Arrested for stealing a calendar.

I got 12 months.

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👤︎ u/drjamjam
📅︎ Apr 23 2015
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Jesus drove a Honda, it says in the Bible:

"For I did not speak of my own Accord" John 12:49

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📅︎ Jul 01 2018
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found this old classic while i was packing to move, the memories and nostalgia hit me like a Flood. imgur.com/9FlTV9c
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📅︎ Jul 30 2013
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An entire auditorium groaned...

I have a course in religious symbols at university, and we had an assignment to go around town and take pictures of random religious symbols we would stumble over. Next lecture the Professor had made a collection of the best pictures into a powerpoint and we were to spend two hours analyzing them.
After about an hour we came to this picture of a wiccan pentagram in the window above a animalshelter, and the professor asked: "Why do you think this is here?" before I even had time to think, and stop my self I bursted: Maybe a dyslectic thought it was a PETAgram?
Alot of bored students life got a tad more depressing after that...

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👤︎ u/GenJohnnyN
📅︎ Sep 24 2018
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My dad just sent me a text...

"If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian."

:|

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📅︎ Sep 03 2013
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Proud of my fellow dadjokers

As my wife and I approached the samples stand at BJ's, I noticed they were sampling cashews. So naturally I faked a sneeze and said "CASSSSSSSSHHHHEEEWWWW!"

She replied, "you know, three people have done jokes like that today, and they've all been guys."

So as we were walking away, I said, "alright, cashew later!"

She told me that was a new one :)

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👤︎ u/Wtayjay
📅︎ Jan 10 2015
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Granddad joke, but still counts

family member: "I heard that he was an avid hunter."

Granddad: "Now, what kind of gun do you use to hunt avids?"

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📅︎ Jan 08 2015
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➡

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📅︎ Feb 22 2016
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Chemistry Pun

Context: I am in a chemistry class where we are analyzing amounts of mercury in fish sample matrix that is not reaching the conditions for analysis.

Joke: You can tuna fish, but you can't tuna Mercury matrix.

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👤︎ u/Skarrro
📅︎ Apr 13 2017
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Talking to my music producer friend

My friend was listening to music, analyzing how the songs were made. I couldn't resist.

Friend: I'm trying to figure out how the vocals were recorded

Me: Probably with a microphone

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👤︎ u/MuckPie
📅︎ Aug 13 2016
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Every time I talk to my dad about school, without fail

"so how are your classes going?"

"well, for my Political Science class, I'm writing an essay analyzing genocides"

"....well, are you for it or against it?"

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📅︎ Oct 02 2013
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If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird

It's scanned an avian

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📅︎ Mar 25 2015
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My dad just sent me this one...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

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📅︎ Oct 10 2013
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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows in the Greater Boston area recently.

There was concern that they might have died from Avian Flu. An avian pathologist examined the remains of the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not avian flu. The cause of death was vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that nearly 96% of the crows had been struck by trucks, while only 4% were car impacts.

The MTA then hired an Ornithological Behavourist to determine the reason for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills vs car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat roadkill, they have a look-out crow nearby to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout "Cah!", none could shout "Truck!"

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👤︎ u/thisissami
📅︎ Oct 13 2017
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Dad just sent me this. I buried my face in my hands.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

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📅︎ Jan 04 2014
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Dad just emailed me this article about a crow problem in Boston

CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck." Absolutely amazing!

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📅︎ Feb 11 2015
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Just got this in an email from my dad.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Amazing!

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📅︎ Nov 27 2013
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