My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
My doctor thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample

I told him it was the least I could doo

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclerudy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend got mad at the amount of bananas I bought

I don't understand why, she asked for a bunch.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notathrowaway2937
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
How do you estimate the amounts of dogs in the world precisely?

You can't. You have to do it ruffly.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ligmapolls
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
Why do military bases have such little amounts of insects?

Because they are strict no-fly zones.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/minecraftepic420
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
Nice amount of tape
πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stont753
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
🚨︎ report
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc.

The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Good_Creeper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18
🚨︎ report
What’s the max amount of toilet paper you can have?

A butt load.

From my pops. He’s very proud.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kentuckywisdom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the cops that found large amounts of weed hidden in a bra?

Apparently, it was their biggest bust

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
🚨︎ report
How did the Grinch know to average all of the presents he stole, so that each Who in Whoville got the same amount returned to them?

He’s a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saetric
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I rememeber when my teacher said I'll never amount to anything in life

He was right. I am now unemployed making jokes on Reddit

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Energetically17
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
🚨︎ report
Lately my wife has become increasingly frustrated with the amount of geriatric patients she’s been seeing...

It’s getting old

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tico46
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
Do you know why the amount of traffic accidents is so high in Washington?

Because the people there can't Seattle.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TinzaX
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Quick aside. If admiral ackbar contracted a minnow-scule amount of salmon-ella poisson-ing while tuna-ing his guitar on his carp-et, would he instead need to use his bass tonight?
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joker-here
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do people never admit to being just the right amount of whelmed?
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The amount of fun I had while reading this is astronomical
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nerooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
$52.95 is an oddly specific amount of money...

But $52.94 is an evenly specific amount of money

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThoseMovieGuys
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The amount of wind in Chicago really...

Blows me away.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ClickedRandomly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
The amount of cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrots divided by the volume of the Mayo.

That’s Cole’s Law.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the short mother only paid the smallest amount legally allowed?

Cause she was on mini-mum wage

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M0NTEA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My family said I'd never amount to anything, but then I discovered the secret to invisibility.

If only they could see me now.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
The amount of work put into this must have been TIREing
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yashT19
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What do Canadians say when they see a large amount of coffee?

That’s a lot, eh

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RyanRebalkin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
All Chemistry exam questions contain trace amounts of the element of surprise.
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ablufia
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Tater tots that you put aside for a small amount of time become later tots

But if you forget about them too long, they become tater rots...

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BrewsTravelers365
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Full of constant puns, tomfoolery and an extreme amount of cross-contamination; this video has it all. You may even learn to cook too! Wok With Yan youtube.com/watch?v=PTjwT…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilkKringle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend died by consuming excess amounts of Calcium Carbonate.

He chalked himself to death.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I put in the minimum amount of energy possible coming up with this pun
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/steve_ideas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
No amount of sleep can cure insomnia.
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Today has been absolutely amazing. The amount of joy I've experienced is uncountable!

Happy Ο€ day!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGayWildGoose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
In my family, we like to ridicule whoever gets the fewest amount of gifts at Christmas.

(This is a true story.)

Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.

We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.

Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.

This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.

We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".

P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbenz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?

They use a Sven Diagram.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Targetsb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What bird is constantly surprised by the amount of insects.

Cormorant

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/summinspicy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What state has the least amount of babies?

Virginia

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shadow31802
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much…

I said, β€œOh, yeah? Just you wait.”

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
🚨︎ report
What type of food wears the least amount of clothes?

Nudels!

Works best while eating or watching someone eat noodles.

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chelseadaggered
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
🚨︎ report
What is the most religious amount?

Nun

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SubMGK
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
The cashier gave me some coins back after I gave her the exact amount.

I looked at her confused with the coins in my hand and said,

"I paid the exact total. This makes no cents."

πŸ‘︎ 261
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2015
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend: "The amount of ducks you have here is ridiculous..."

Me: "You mean reduckulous..."

πŸ‘︎ 143
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BopNiblets
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2014
🚨︎ report
I can count the amount of times Ive been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's 8

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/natteulven
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A friend once told me he ingested a large amount of counterfeit coins to avoid being caught with them...

he was full of non-cents.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Floodlight
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call a small amount of cinnamon?

A cinnaminimal amount.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/appa-ate-momo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
🚨︎ report
On which side does a dog have the least amount of hair?

on the inside.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jwsmelt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2017
🚨︎ report
In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's vagina. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of penises.

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/tuppence

http://www.cnn.com/2016/07/14/politics/donald-trump-vice-presidential-choice/

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingBooRadley
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2016
🚨︎ report
A guy sets a world record for farting in a police car the most amount of times in a row. What else did he set?

A criminal record.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dusterbusterv1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2017
🚨︎ report
What is the smartest amount of beer you can drink?

Ein Stein!

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Onoj88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call the minimum amount of potatoes for Sunday dinner?

A critical mash.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/electropriest
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Stupid crackers! You'll never amount to anything! What are you, anyway? Flour, salt, and what? You're nothing!

When my wife finally asked what I was doing, yelling at a bag of crackers, I explained that the recipe called for 30 crushed crackers.

That happened 2 days ago. By coincidence, we had another recipe for dinner that required crushed crackers, and my wife made sure I understood that it meant physically, not verbally.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spongebue
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2015
🚨︎ report
I ate a really ridiculous amount of pasta today...

Seriously, it was pre-pasta-rous!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/imadeaname
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2015
🚨︎ report
"Sweetie the amount of food you left on your plate is just NUTS!"

http://i.imgur.com/12lCPIU.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thecolemanation
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2016
🚨︎ report
The amount of people who don't cover when they sneeze...

It sickens me!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Straight3dge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
🚨︎ report
I pour a tiny amount of ranch on my girlfriends plate

Her: "that's all I get?"

Me: "would you expect any less?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/desertjedi85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Nothing will amount to this one.

Context: I was doing some work in the kitchen, with my dad not far away.

Dad: Does that Asian hamster ever get tired of doing maths?

Me: What makes you think he's Asian?

Bickering, which eventually leads to...

Dad: Well, where is he form?

Me: ^^^Hamsterdam

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rcjuneau
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
🚨︎ report
What d'you call the amount of money a fortune-teller can make in a month, making predictions? [OC]

Her prophet margin!

..Not sorry, I've got to build up my repertoire of original jokes before my daughter's old enough to groan at them.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HylianHal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad noticed the amount of ice cream I was eating.

I enjoy eating big bowls of ice cream, but I got a smaller amount than I usually do (still bigger than a normal bowl for most people). When I saw my dad looking in awe, or maybe disgust, I told him, "I'm trying to watch my weight."

He came back with a quick "Well, you won't have trouble finding it after that!"

:(

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cdangerb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2014
🚨︎ report
I've been spending an excessive amount of time in the bathroom today...

I guess I'm just full of shit.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thenerdnextdoor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Watching a show about a man who conducts massive amounts of electricity and my dad says this

"He ought to get a job in an orchestra, he conducts so well"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rdkra
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
🚨︎ report

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