My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.
You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.
My doctor thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample
I told him it was the least I could doo
My girlfriend got mad at the amount of bananas I bought
I don't understand why, she asked for a bunch.
How do you estimate the amounts of dogs in the world precisely?
You can't. You have to do it ruffly.
Why do military bases have such little amounts of insects?
Because they are strict no-fly zones.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc.
The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
What’s the max amount of toilet paper you can have?
A butt load.
From my pops. He’s very proud.
Did you hear about the cops that found large amounts of weed hidden in a bra?
Apparently, it was their biggest bust
How did the Grinch know to average all of the presents he stole, so that each Who in Whoville got the same amount returned to them?
He’s a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
I rememeber when my teacher said I'll never amount to anything in life
He was right. I am now unemployed making jokes on Reddit
Lately my wife has become increasingly frustrated with the amount of geriatric patients she’s been seeing...
Do you know why the amount of traffic accidents is so high in Washington?
Because the people there can't Seattle.
Quick aside. If admiral ackbar contracted a minnow-scule amount of salmon-ella poisson-ing while tuna-ing his guitar on his carp-et, would he instead need to use his bass tonight?
Why do people never admit to being just the right amount of whelmed?
The amount of fun I had while reading this is astronomical
$52.95 is an oddly specific amount of money...
But $52.94 is an evenly specific amount of money
The amount of wind in Chicago really...
The amount of cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrots divided by the volume of the Mayo.
Why was the short mother only paid the smallest amount legally allowed?
Cause she was on mini-mum wage
My family said I'd never amount to anything, but then I discovered the secret to invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
The amount of work put into this must have been TIREing
What do Canadians say when they see a large amount of coffee?
All Chemistry exam questions contain trace amounts of the element of surprise.
Tater tots that you put aside for a small amount of time become later tots
But if you forget about them too long, they become tater rots...
Full of constant puns, tomfoolery and an extreme amount of cross-contamination; this video has it all. You may even learn to cook too! Wok With Yan youtube.com/watch?v=PTjwT…
My friend died by consuming excess amounts of Calcium Carbonate.
He chalked himself to death.
I put in the minimum amount of energy possible coming up with this pun
No amount of sleep can cure insomnia.
Today has been absolutely amazing. The amount of joy I've experienced is uncountable!
In my family, we like to ridicule whoever gets the fewest amount of gifts at Christmas.
(This is a true story.)
Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.
We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.
Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.
This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.
We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".
P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
What bird is constantly surprised by the amount of insects.
What state has the least amount of babies?
My wife told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much…
I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”
What type of food wears the least amount of clothes?
Works best while eating or watching someone eat noodles.
What is the most religious amount?
The cashier gave me some coins back after I gave her the exact amount.
I looked at her confused with the coins in my hand and said,
"I paid the exact total. This makes no cents."
Girlfriend: "The amount of ducks you have here is ridiculous..."
Me: "You mean reduckulous..."
I can count the amount of times Ive been to Chernobyl on one hand
A friend once told me he ingested a large amount of counterfeit coins to avoid being caught with them...
he was full of non-cents.
What do you call a small amount of cinnamon?
On which side does a dog have the least amount of hair?
In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's vagina. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of penises.
A guy sets a world record for farting in a police car the most amount of times in a row. What else did he set?
What is the smartest amount of beer you can drink?
What do you call the minimum amount of potatoes for Sunday dinner?
Stupid crackers! You'll never amount to anything! What are you, anyway? Flour, salt, and what? You're nothing!
When my wife finally asked what I was doing, yelling at a bag of crackers, I explained that the recipe called for 30 crushed crackers.
That happened 2 days ago. By coincidence, we had another recipe for dinner that required crushed crackers, and my wife made sure I understood that it meant physically, not verbally.
I ate a really ridiculous amount of pasta today...
Seriously, it was pre-pasta-rous!
"Sweetie the amount of food you left on your plate is just NUTS!"
The amount of people who don't cover when they sneeze...
I pour a tiny amount of ranch on my girlfriends plate
Her: "that's all I get?"
Me: "would you expect any less?"
Nothing will amount to this one.
Context: I was doing some work in the kitchen, with my dad not far away.
Dad: Does that Asian hamster ever get tired of doing maths?
Me: What makes you think he's Asian?
Bickering, which eventually leads to...
Dad: Well, where is he form?
What d'you call the amount of money a fortune-teller can make in a month, making predictions? [OC]
Her prophet margin!
..Not sorry, I've got to build up my repertoire of original jokes before my daughter's old enough to groan at them.
My dad noticed the amount of ice cream I was eating.
I enjoy eating big bowls of ice cream, but I got a smaller amount than I usually do (still bigger than a normal bowl for most people). When I saw my dad looking in awe, or maybe disgust, I told him, "I'm trying to watch my weight."
He came back with a quick "Well, you won't have trouble finding it after that!"
I've been spending an excessive amount of time in the bathroom today...
I guess I'm just full of shit.
Watching a show about a man who conducts massive amounts of electricity and my dad says this
"He ought to get a job in an orchestra, he conducts so well"