There are 2 types of people: 1) people who make inferences over low amounts of information
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat I’ve been eating
But I’m not about to quit cold turkey
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it
My town throws a festival for the salmon spawn each year. This is what they call companies that contribute a significant amount of money.
There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount".
The possibilities are: end, less.
I started a job watching hourglasses just to check if the correct amount of time was passing for them.
But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.
Listening to sonic heroes makes me want to destroy a certain amount of robots
My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.
You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.
My doctor thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample
I told him it was the least I could doo
My girlfriend got mad at the amount of bananas I bought
I don't understand why, she asked for a bunch.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc.
The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
Why do military bases have such little amounts of insects?
Because they are strict no-fly zones.
What’s the max amount of toilet paper you can have?
A butt load.
From my pops. He’s very proud.
Did you hear about the cops that found large amounts of weed hidden in a bra?
Apparently, it was their biggest bust
How did the Grinch know to average all of the presents he stole, so that each Who in Whoville got the same amount returned to them?
He’s a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
I rememeber when my teacher said I'll never amount to anything in life
He was right. I am now unemployed making jokes on Reddit
Lately my wife has become increasingly frustrated with the amount of geriatric patients she’s been seeing...
The amount of fun I had while reading this is astronomical
Quick aside. If admiral ackbar contracted a minnow-scule amount of salmon-ella poisson-ing while tuna-ing his guitar on his carp-et, would he instead need to use his bass tonight?
Why do people never admit to being just the right amount of whelmed?
$52.95 is an oddly specific amount of money...
But $52.94 is an evenly specific amount of money
The amount of work put into this must have been TIREing
The amount of cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrots divided by the volume of the Mayo.
The amount of wind in Chicago really...
What do Canadians say when they see a large amount of coffee?
Why was the short mother only paid the smallest amount legally allowed?
Cause she was on mini-mum wage
Tater tots that you put aside for a small amount of time become later tots
But if you forget about them too long, they become tater rots...
My family said I'd never amount to anything, but then I discovered the secret to invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
All Chemistry exam questions contain trace amounts of the element of surprise.
Full of constant puns, tomfoolery and an extreme amount of cross-contamination; this video has it all. You may even learn to cook too! Wok With Yan youtube.com/watch?v=PTjwT…
I put in the minimum amount of energy possible coming up with this pun
No amount of sleep can cure insomnia.
In my family, we like to ridicule whoever gets the fewest amount of gifts at Christmas.
(This is a true story.)
Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.
We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.
Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.
This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.
We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".
P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.
My friend died by consuming excess amounts of Calcium Carbonate.
He chalked himself to death.
What type of food wears the least amount of clothes?
Works best while eating or watching someone eat noodles.
My wife told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much…
I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”
Today has been absolutely amazing. The amount of joy I've experienced is uncountable!
What state has the least amount of babies?
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
What bird is constantly surprised by the amount of insects.
The cashier gave me some coins back after I gave her the exact amount.
I looked at her confused with the coins in my hand and said,
"I paid the exact total. This makes no cents."
Girlfriend: "The amount of ducks you have here is ridiculous..."
Me: "You mean reduckulous..."