A pirate wanted to celebrate his captain’s birthday, so he bought a large quantity of balloons while ashore. Back on the ship, he walked over to hand the balloons to the captain, but he tripped and most of them floated away. The captain said, β€œArrr! That was a costly mistake...”

β€œWe lost a lot of doubloons.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unfussed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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If you were carrying a large quantity of bins...

... would that make you bin laden?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rosskillington
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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If you die of obstipation what quantity of your body weight consists of excrement?

One turd

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boetzie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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A farmer was arrested and soon after a large quantity of hay was FedExed to the police station. When they asked the farmer if he had anything to do with it he said...

"Yeah I asked my son to post my bale."

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2017
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Most people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July.

But not fire. Fire works in 4th of July.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/davidlutz1987
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2023
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A friend thanked me for teaching him about minimalism

It was the least I could do

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2023
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I-rish I Had a Better Pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/delta-vs-epsilon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2023
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Which Italian cheese is only available in large quantities?

Lotzzarella

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhaleWhaleWhale95
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2021
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My friend started a company a few years ago that binds quantities of material together...

He makes a bundle!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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He enjoyed his new job as a flight attendant on a Transgalactic Express ship. He enjoyed the variety of species & sentients he got to meet. Except for the Plort, who ate large quantities of raw dead flesh.

They always made him put their carrion overhead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnabbe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
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I have an issue getting fair market value when I try to sell gravity.

My wife thinks it's because it was mass-produced.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubtleName12
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2022
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So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...

...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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/r/baseball did not appreciate my post - I think it’s better suited here anyway

I have a bunch of stupid baseball questions. I know most of the rules, I just want to make sure I have all my bases covered.

  • Imagine there’s a fan of the team that is currently fielding in the stands, and that said fan has a prosthetic arm. The batter hits a pitch and sends it on a home-run trajectory into the stands. If the fan in the stands throws his arm at the ball and diverts it back in the field of play, can they rightfully say that they were just β€œlending the team a hand” by stopping the home run?

  • Consider the exact opposite situation - the fan’s team is at bat and the batter hits a fly ball to the outfield. If Elastagirl from the Incredibles just happened to be the fan in question, can she spring into action and catch the ball before the outfielder has the chance to?

  • Now, imagine I smuggled a water gun into the stadium on a particularly hot day, and I managed to squirt sticky black liquid onto the batter. Does that mean he can take a walk since he was β€œhit by pitch”?

  • Consider the freak circumstance where a ball in motion collides with a bird, causing it to spiral in its descent and eventually collide in turn with an umpire. Can the player responsible for the ball’s motion be ejected from the game due to repeatedly flipping the bird at an umpire?

  • Can a losing team sub out their man on the mound with a large quantity of beer to prolong the game? There’d still be a pitcher on the mound!

  • If a pitcher throws a slider into the strike zone and the batter doesn’t swing, should the umpire consider it a strike, a ball, or the catcher’s dinner?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grumpy_princess
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken. Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!!

Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing’s courses, and all of Ming’s kin; couldn’t make gum tea re-feather a hen!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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Mechanics Professor...

Every time he'd mention "moment of inertia", he'd say "it is an additive quantityβ€”not addictive". He's said it well over twenty times but we somehow still laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sacredcows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
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