My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
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︎ Jan 24 2021
My son asked me what the difference was between horsepower and torque. I explained that horsepower is often more expensive the greater the amount...
...whereas torque is cheap.
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︎ Jan 24 2021
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
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︎ Feb 02 2021
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat Iβve been eating
But Iβm not about to quit cold turkey
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︎ Nov 24 2020
There are 2 types of people: 1) people who make inferences over low amounts of information
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︎ Dec 14 2020
My town throws a festival for the salmon spawn each year. This is what they call companies that contribute a significant amount of money.
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︎ Sep 30 2020
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when Iβm cooking
So Iβve been taking measures to deal with it
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︎ Nov 12 2020
There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount".
The possibilities are: end, less.
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︎ Nov 08 2020
I started a job watching hourglasses just to check if the correct amount of time was passing for them.
But recently Iβve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.
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︎ Sep 05 2020
My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.
You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.
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︎ Jul 27 2020
Listening to sonic heroes makes me want to destroy a certain amount of robots
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︎ Sep 24 2020
My doctor thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample
I told him it was the least I could doo
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︎ Jul 22 2020
My girlfriend got mad at the amount of bananas I bought
I don't understand why, she asked for a bunch.
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︎ Jul 28 2020
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc.
The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
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︎ Mar 18 2020
Why do military bases have such little amounts of insects?
Because they are strict no-fly zones.
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︎ May 10 2020
Whatβs the max amount of toilet paper you can have?
A butt load.
From my pops. Heβs very proud.
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︎ Mar 13 2020
Did you hear about the cops that found large amounts of weed hidden in a bra?
Apparently, it was their biggest bust
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︎ Jan 21 2020
How did the Grinch know to average all of the presents he stole, so that each Who in Whoville got the same amount returned to them?
Heβs a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
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︎ Dec 22 2019
I rememeber when my teacher said I'll never amount to anything in life
He was right. I am now unemployed making jokes on Reddit
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︎ Feb 22 2020
The amount of fun I had while reading this is astronomical
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︎ Apr 10 2019
Lately my wife has become increasingly frustrated with the amount of geriatric patients sheβs been seeing...
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︎ Jan 17 2020
Quick aside. If admiral ackbar contracted a minnow-scule amount of salmon-ella poisson-ing while tuna-ing his guitar on his carp-et, would he instead need to use his bass tonight?
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︎ Oct 03 2019
Why do people never admit to being just the right amount of whelmed?
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︎ Oct 03 2019
$52.95 is an oddly specific amount of money...
But $52.94 is an evenly specific amount of money
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︎ Mar 16 2019
The amount of work put into this must have been TIREing
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︎ Oct 22 2018
The amount of cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrots divided by the volume of the Mayo.
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︎ Jun 16 2019
What do Canadians say when they see a large amount of coffee?
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︎ Aug 13 2018
Tater tots that you put aside for a small amount of time become later tots
But if you forget about them too long, they become tater rots...
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︎ Jul 01 2018
The amount of wind in Chicago really...
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︎ Aug 23 2019
Why was the short mother only paid the smallest amount legally allowed?
Cause she was on mini-mum wage
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︎ Aug 02 2019
My family said I'd never amount to anything, but then I discovered the secret to invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
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︎ Jun 25 2019
All Chemistry exam questions contain trace amounts of the element of surprise.
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︎ Feb 11 2019
Full of constant puns, tomfoolery and an extreme amount of cross-contamination; this video has it all. You may even learn to cook too! Wok With Yan
youtube.com/watch?v=PTjwTβ¦
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︎ Jan 18 2019
I put in the minimum amount of energy possible coming up with this pun
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︎ Aug 30 2018
What type of food wears the least amount of clothes?
Nudels!
Works best while eating or watching someone eat noodles.
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︎ Jul 18 2016
My wife told me Iβd never amount to anything because I procrastinate too muchβ¦
I said, βOh, yeah? Just you wait.β
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︎ Aug 23 2017
No amount of sleep can cure insomnia.
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︎ Jan 19 2019
In my family, we like to ridicule whoever gets the fewest amount of gifts at Christmas.
(This is a true story.)
Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.
We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.
Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.
This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.
We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".
P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.
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︎ Nov 30 2018
My friend died by consuming excess amounts of Calcium Carbonate.
He chalked himself to death.
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︎ Feb 08 2019
What state has the least amount of babies?
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︎ Jun 07 2018
Today has been absolutely amazing. The amount of joy I've experienced is uncountable!
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︎ Mar 14 2019
The cashier gave me some coins back after I gave her the exact amount.
I looked at her confused with the coins in my hand and said,
"I paid the exact total. This makes no cents."
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︎ Aug 18 2015
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
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︎ Jan 19 2019
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