My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...

"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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My son asked me what the difference was between horsepower and torque. I explained that horsepower is often more expensive the greater the amount...

...whereas torque is cheap.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat I’ve been eating

But I’m not about to quit cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dollex69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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There are 2 types of people: 1) people who make inferences over low amounts of information

Get it?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LightningClone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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My town throws a festival for the salmon spawn each year. This is what they call companies that contribute a significant amount of money.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBrontosaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking

So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theleowest
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount".

The possibilities are: end, less.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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I started a job watching hourglasses just to check if the correct amount of time was passing for them.

But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Listening to sonic heroes makes me want to destroy a certain amount of robots

I wanna crush 40 robots.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My doctor thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample

I told him it was the least I could doo

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclerudy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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My girlfriend got mad at the amount of bananas I bought

I don't understand why, she asked for a bunch.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notathrowaway2937
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc.

The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Good_Creeper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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Why do military bases have such little amounts of insects?

Because they are strict no-fly zones.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/minecraftepic420
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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What’s the max amount of toilet paper you can have?

A butt load.

From my pops. He’s very proud.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kentuckywisdom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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Did you hear about the cops that found large amounts of weed hidden in a bra?

Apparently, it was their biggest bust

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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How did the Grinch know to average all of the presents he stole, so that each Who in Whoville got the same amount returned to them?

He’s a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saetric
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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I rememeber when my teacher said I'll never amount to anything in life

He was right. I am now unemployed making jokes on Reddit

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Energetically17
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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The amount of fun I had while reading this is astronomical
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nerooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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Lately my wife has become increasingly frustrated with the amount of geriatric patients she’s been seeing...

It’s getting old

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tico46
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Quick aside. If admiral ackbar contracted a minnow-scule amount of salmon-ella poisson-ing while tuna-ing his guitar on his carp-et, would he instead need to use his bass tonight?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joker-here
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Why do people never admit to being just the right amount of whelmed?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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$52.95 is an oddly specific amount of money...

But $52.94 is an evenly specific amount of money

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThoseMovieGuys
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
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The amount of work put into this must have been TIREing
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yashT19
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
The amount of cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrots divided by the volume of the Mayo.

That’s Cole’s Law.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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What do Canadians say when they see a large amount of coffee?

That’s a lot, eh

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RyanRebalkin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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Tater tots that you put aside for a small amount of time become later tots

But if you forget about them too long, they become tater rots...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrewsTravelers365
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
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The amount of wind in Chicago really...

Blows me away.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClickedRandomly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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Why was the short mother only paid the smallest amount legally allowed?

Cause she was on mini-mum wage

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M0NTEA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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My family said I'd never amount to anything, but then I discovered the secret to invisibility.

If only they could see me now.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
All Chemistry exam questions contain trace amounts of the element of surprise.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ablufia
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Full of constant puns, tomfoolery and an extreme amount of cross-contamination; this video has it all. You may even learn to cook too! Wok With Yan youtube.com/watch?v=PTjwT…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilkKringle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I put in the minimum amount of energy possible coming up with this pun
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/steve_ideas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What type of food wears the least amount of clothes?

Nudels!

Works best while eating or watching someone eat noodles.

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chelseadaggered
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much…

I said, β€œOh, yeah? Just you wait.”

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
🚨︎ report
No amount of sleep can cure insomnia.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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In my family, we like to ridicule whoever gets the fewest amount of gifts at Christmas.

(This is a true story.)

Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.

We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.

Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.

This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.

We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".

P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbenz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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My friend died by consuming excess amounts of Calcium Carbonate.

He chalked himself to death.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What state has the least amount of babies?

Virginia

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadow31802
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Today has been absolutely amazing. The amount of joy I've experienced is uncountable!

Happy Ο€ day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGayWildGoose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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The cashier gave me some coins back after I gave her the exact amount.

I looked at her confused with the coins in my hand and said,

"I paid the exact total. This makes no cents."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2015
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How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?

They use a Sven Diagram.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Targetsb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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