I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...

Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.

I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 581
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were having a relaxing dinner at a restaurant when all of the sudden the waitress frantically shouts β€œDoes anyone here know CPR?” Without missing a beat I stood up and β€œI do! In fact, I know all the letters of the alphabet.” .

It really broke the tension; everyone laughed and laughed.

Well, except one guy.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ez-pz-lemon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

πŸ‘︎ 167
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
2020 beat me

you could say that 2021

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoUOverdrive
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer employee that beat up a Duracell employee?

He got charged with battery.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Apache7G
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack beat me in a game of chess

Well plaid

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MovingWindows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!

I was quicker to the draw.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snoo-lad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who went into the Everglades, found this huge sea-cow thing and beat it to death with the oar of his boat?

They're prosecuting him for crimes against a manatee.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fitz_cuniculus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The nurse made my heart skip a beat

It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jubulus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who beat up a lollipop?

He gave it a good licking.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Al Gore Beat-Boxing

What do you call Al Gore beat-boxing/rapping? An Al-Gore-Rythm 😁

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0rionB
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, my Dad used to beat me with a camera...

I still have flashbacks...😩

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_aPOKalipto_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?

Because he can’t go to the Krypt Tonight.

(I’ll see myself out)

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
You simply cannot beat wordplay
πŸ‘︎ 118
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allisburning
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Introducing the new rhyme speaking Green Onion with the super tight back beat! Please welcome the one! The only---

Rapscallion!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a boxer that got beat up?

A sore loser

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/turborambo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife sometimes has trouble thinking of the right word for things. This morning, she asked me "what's it called when you have no bars?" Without missing a beat, I told her...

"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EngineersAnon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Liam Neeson say when Obi Wan beat Qui-Gon in a light saber duel?

You win, McGregor

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctor_Zakberg
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to beat him up too
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/panaskaew
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How does paper beat a rock?

even the united states military had a hard time winning against a rock.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ethanlgraham
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
We can't let 2020 beat us.....

because then 2021.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lulufanatic1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
During the riots the other day, a person was beat up by six dwarfs.

Not Happy.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night I got beat up by the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

I guess the odds were against me.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nathan_Atwater
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend challenged me to a hang gliding race, and he got angry after I beat him.

What a soar loser.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My clippers ran out of juice half way through shaving so I started to beat the heck out of em...

...for extra battery

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/clouc1223
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?

He took a shortcut.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
So after becoming a father, my dad and I were talking about how we couldn’t believe any man would walk away from his kids. My dad says dead beat isn’t a good enough name so he asks me what they should be called. I said:

A joke, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjmaxal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:

"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What snack always beats video game levels?

Chees-itsπŸ§€πŸ§€πŸ§€

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RSGaming0416
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a computer's favourite beat?

An algorithm

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/extremeavYT
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you beat a clansmen in a fight?

A KKKO

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I beat my rivals by inventing the world's first book made from onion skin.

Read it and weep!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
It's that beat that makes you pump your bum
πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I once saw a little guy with a red pointy hat riding the D.C. subway, listening to some music, tapping his toes perfectly in time with the beat

He was the greatest Metro Gnome ever.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you beat a pilot?

They are always prepared for a-rrival.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trev2-D2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?

Because it was well armed.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My friends always ask how I concocted my perfect chili recipe. I tell them: same way OJ beat the system...

Trial and error.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/10kLines
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight

Socket in the jaw

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Some guy attacked me, but I beat him up and then used him as a human mop.

I totally wiped the floor with that dude.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was a musician I'd drop mad beats

Then I quit so now I'm just a dead beat.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ConfidentDuck1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
It's quite hard to beat a toilet at poker...

It always has a flush.

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.

Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.

πŸ‘︎ 97
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 204
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat the state chess champion in less than five moves.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
🚨︎ report

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