I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
My wife and I were having a relaxing dinner at a restaurant when all of the sudden the waitress frantically shouts “Does anyone here know CPR?” Without missing a beat I stood up and “I do! In fact, I know all the letters of the alphabet.” .
It really broke the tension; everyone laughed and laughed.
Well, except one guy.
Not to brag, but I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer employee that beat up a Duracell employee?
He got charged with battery.
A lumberjack beat me in a game of chess
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Did you hear about the guy who went into the Everglades, found this huge sea-cow thing and beat it to death with the oar of his boat?
They're prosecuting him for crimes against a manatee.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Did you hear about the guy who beat up a lollipop?
He gave it a good licking.
Al Gore Beat-Boxing
What do you call Al Gore beat-boxing/rapping?
An Al-Gore-Rythm 😁
When I was a kid, my Dad used to beat me with a camera...
I still have flashbacks...😩
Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?
Because he can’t go to the Krypt Tonight.
(I’ll see myself out)
You simply cannot beat wordplay
Introducing the new rhyme speaking Green Onion with the super tight back beat! Please welcome the one! The only---
What do you call a boxer that got beat up?
My wife sometimes has trouble thinking of the right word for things. This morning, she asked me "what's it called when you have no bars?" Without missing a beat, I told her...
"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.
What did Liam Neeson say when Obi Wan beat Qui-Gon in a light saber duel?
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I want to beat him up too
How does paper beat a rock?
even the united states military had a hard time winning against a rock.
We can't let 2020 beat us.....
During the riots the other day, a person was beat up by six dwarfs.
Last night I got beat up by the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
I guess the odds were against me.
My friend challenged me to a hang gliding race, and he got angry after I beat him.
My clippers ran out of juice half way through shaving so I started to beat the heck out of em...
How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?
So after becoming a father, my dad and I were talking about how we couldn’t believe any man would walk away from his kids. My dad says dead beat isn’t a good enough name so he asks me what they should be called. I said:
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:
"No it's not, it's MUNday!"
The apprentice has now become the master.
What snack always beats video game levels?
What's a computer's favourite beat?
What do you call it when you beat a clansmen in a fight?
I beat my rivals by inventing the world's first book made from onion skin.
It's that beat that makes you pump your bum
I once saw a little guy with a red pointy hat riding the D.C. subway, listening to some music, tapping his toes perfectly in time with the beat
He was the greatest Metro Gnome ever.
Why can't you beat a pilot?
They are always prepared for a-rrival.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
My friends always ask how I concocted my perfect chili recipe. I tell them: same way OJ beat the system...
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Some guy attacked me, but I beat him up and then used him as a human mop.
I totally wiped the floor with that dude.
When I was a musician I'd drop mad beats
Then I quit so now I'm just a dead beat.
It's quite hard to beat a toilet at poker...
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat the state chess champion in less than five moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
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