I just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my sisters room.

I just had no idea she was a superhero.

πŸ‘︎ 201
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Need some good puns when I whip this bad boy out on the course today. Help me out you geniuses!
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mac-n-treez
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the dinosaur whip Kim Kardashian

Because it wanted to make her bigassasaurass

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisispeculiar
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to whip us up some dinner to eat during the impeachment coverage.

I told her, "I am not a cook."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/all-base-r-us
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter: it's not healthy to have that much whip cream

Me: just trying to get whipped into shape.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is Cool Whop called Cool Whip?

Because who would buy boring whip.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fallout3boi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Whip it real good!
πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spurcell94
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2015
🚨︎ report
My jar of Miracle Whip tasted funny.

LMAYO

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
🚨︎ report
English Teacher whips out sick Dad Joke

We were talking about senior superlatives and one category was most changed since 9th grade.

My friend: I should get that, I've grown 2 feet since 9th grade

Teacher: What did you have before? 2 stumps?

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tortankum
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2014
🚨︎ report
A little something I Whipped up
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
Once a man assaulted me with milk, cheese and butter

How dairy

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. β€œWhat IS that?” β€œThat’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, β€œThat’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, β€œNo, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
I invested all my money in a whipped cream factory.

People told me not to. They said that it's a huge whisk.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegreger
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was whipping up some pesto when I realized I was out of an herb to add flavor. Luckily, my son's guitar was handy....

I was able to add some bass-il to my tasty sauce.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't believevits not butter
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bloodywolfeyes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
When is a chef bad?

When he beats the eggs πŸ₯š and whips the cream.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irishlamb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...

She beats the eggs and whips the cream.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
my horse is broken

i watched it whip,then i watched it neigh neigh

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Whipped this one out at work

One of my coworkers is a transsexual. He (formerly she) was telling me about some of his struggles.

"I had to go up to the corporate level in order to be able to use the restroom. Some people here were uncomfortable with me using either the mens or women's room when they found out."

"So, what you're telling me is. You had to fight for your right to potty?"

At first he facepalmed and sighed, admittedly I was a little worried I might have offended him... But he did get a chuckle out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2015
🚨︎ report
I really whipped tumblr to find this one.
πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VictoriousVacuum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?

...A trifle deaf

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carrocko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The Mayonnaise!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a gun with whipped cream on it?

A dessert eagle

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrCamie
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me...

She said β€œwhat are you doing? What is that noise?” I said β€œI’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover.

I found it way more entertaining then she did.

πŸ‘︎ 260
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arthritictongue
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Whipping it in the kitchen
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sputnik_Cubicle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking about getting into whipping

Figured I'd give it a crack.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bustinjustin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I grew up in a rough neighbourhood. Kids would jump out and put whipped cream, glacΓ© cherries and chocolate sprinkles on people all the time.

I lived in the gateau.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought

Wow this is ledge β€˜n dairy

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Well, I'm not going to spread it!

πŸ‘︎ 422
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aakshaj
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
The platypus and echidna both lay eggs and produce milk

Making them the only animals on the planet capable of whipping their own custard

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Quasimodo say while being whipped?

Beats me, but I have a hunch.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend whipped this one out on me today.

I've been hardcore PMSing lately, so I made brownies. I messed up the recipe somehow so, rationally, I started crying because I really wanted homemade brownies.

He walks in, hugs me, and says babe, it's okay. You're ovary-acting.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flynngravy69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
🚨︎ report
When are Cooks mean?

When they beat the eggs and whip the cream.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Mom whipped out this gem just now

We're at my Grandma's for Christmas and my uncle who lives with her works today.

Uncle Rob: "Well, I gotta get running." Mom: "A car would be faster."

~ba dum tsssss~

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darbymowell
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
🚨︎ report
My Reddit account has been hacked. If anyone gets a message from me about meat

Just ignore it, it’s spam.

πŸ‘︎ 277
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomocusack
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Pun war! The topic is food. If you have a pun comment it. I hope this will turnip good.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Potato12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A flasher sees three old ladies on a park bench. He walks up and exposes himself. The first one had a stroke. The second one had a stroke.

The third one couldn’t, her arms were too short.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tupacwolverine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
The police stormed a kindergarten today.

A kid resisted a rest

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelveyrocks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm a shell of a man

Snail slides into a Tesla dealership after seeing Elon Musk on TV. Inches his way up to a salesperson. Snail asks to go on a test drive, the sales person shrugs, says sure, why not. It's been a slow day.

After it's over, snail is impressed. "I gotta get one of these!

Saleswoman asks if he can afford it. He is, after all, a snail. Snail retreats into his shell comes out with a wad of cash, the exact amount for the car.

"Yeah lady, I can pay! Can I get it customized?"

The woman says of course, but it'll cost more. Snail whips out more dough.

Snail says "Paint it with pink S's all over the vehicle!"

The saleswoman says sure and asks why.

The snail says "When I'm driving around, I want people to say 'WOW! Look at that fast, pink electric S-car go!'"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthwulf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a horse

I bought a horse and called it mayo because mayo neighs.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ezeei
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2017
🚨︎ report
I heard that Rick Astley will lend you any title from his collection of Pixar movies except one

He's never gonna give you "Up"

Courtesy of my dad, of course

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adambuccowich
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2016
🚨︎ report
Iron Bowl humor

Q: Did you hear that U of Alabama's library burned? A: It's true! They lost all 3 of their coloring books!

Q: What do you call a beautiful girl on campus at U of A? A: A visitor!

Q: What do a maggot and a U of A fan have in common? A: They can both live off a dead bear for twenty years.

Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 80,001. 1 to change the bulb, 80,000 to talk about how great the old lightbulb was.

Q: How do you make Alabama cookies? A: Put em in a bowl and whip em for 60 minutes.

Q: Did you hear Saban was going to dress up 20 players for the Iron Bowl? A: The rest will have to dress themselves.

Q: Alabama is changing their mascot to the Opossums. A: They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What do Alabama players get on their SATs? A: Drool.

War Eagle!!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joblessidiot420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
There's these 2 newborns in the nursery and

1 baby looks over at the other and says, "I'm a little boy, how about you?" The other baby says, "A boy? How do you know?" The first baby whips back his blankey, points down, and says, "See! Blue booties!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blscamacho15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What would Jesus eat?

Probably angel food cake.

No deviled eggs.

Miracle whip on all his sandwiches.

Thomas's English muffins? Doubt it.

Hearts of palm on ice cream (a palm sundae).

Keep it going!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit4nag
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I've just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my sisters room...

Had no idea she was a superhero.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If you don't like cool whip.

You're not cool whip me!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wobslobs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
When are Cooks mean

When they beat the eggs and whip cream.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report

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