A few years ago, I visited a psychic who predicted that Joe Biden would beat Donald Trump in an election. She also predicted that soon, a global pandemic would break out and spread across the world.
In retrospect, her psychic vision was 2020.
Did you hear about the guy who went into the Everglades, found this huge sea-cow thing and beat it to death with the oar of his boat?
They're prosecuting him for crimes against a manatee.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Did you hear about the guy who beat up a lollipop?
He gave it a good licking.
Introducing the new rhyme speaking Green Onion with the super tight back beat! Please welcome the one! The only---
My wife sometimes has trouble thinking of the right word for things. This morning, she asked me "what's it called when you have no bars?" Without missing a beat, I told her...
"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.
During the riots the other day, a person was beat up by six dwarfs.
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
Last night I got beat up by the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
I guess the odds were against me.
How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?
I beat my rivals by inventing the world's first book made from onion skin.
I once saw a little guy with a red pointy hat riding the D.C. subway, listening to some music, tapping his toes perfectly in time with the beat
He was the greatest Metro Gnome ever.
My friends always ask how I concocted my perfect chili recipe. I tell them: same way OJ beat the system...
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
Some lady beat me out for the job at the pottery makers...
I would have kiln for that job.
Did you see the video where I beat up J?
I once heard a man insult the loveable Terry Crews. I waanted to beat the shit out of him, but I knew karmic justice would judge him fairly.
What happens when a beatboxer drops the beat?
The worst part about driving a beat up old car is worrying that it could break at any time.
Or worse, that it might not.
Which insect beats the ant for the title of the hardest working?
Flies. They’re always on duty.
My wife’s dad just beat me in a race to read the entire constitution.
I got quite far, but he’s farther in law.
Why did the french fry beat the tomato in a race?
Because the tomato had to “ketchup”
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” ... without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “
She threw things at me
Did you hear about the man who beat his friend with a stolen trinket in the rice fields?
Apparently, it was the first ever case of a knick-knack-paddy-whack.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Yesterday me and my friend were chasing on discord,then someone in the server posted a slightly dirty meme. So my friend said "Improvise. Adapt. Overcum" which fits the meme well.. so I said "Cumon, you beat meato tits"
I beat the shit out of my phone everyday to make it work
Seems like he BEAT the system
I raced to the bakery to try and get the last cake but someone else beat me there.
So instead I got consolation pies.
That time I beat my dad at his own game. In the middle of a heated lecture about not joining my friends' shenanigans, dad said, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
"Two Wrights do make an airplane."
"I'm proud of you. You're still grounded though."
I gave my friend a jar of cashews but the cashews abused him, beat him up and ran away.
He should have known, it was a nut case.
Although Thanos is powerful, the Avengers still beat him
Did you hear about the son who beat his father to death?
I was trying to come up with a killer dad joke, but couldn't think of a punchline.
Little Known Fact: Matthew Broderick almost beat out Robert Downey Jr for the role of Tony Stark
When Downey got the role, they had to change the movie title to Iron Man instead of Ferrous Bueller's Day Off.
Yesterday my neighbor asked to borrow my copy of the movie “It”. I proceeded to beat him up. My wife asked me why the hell I would beat him up.
I told her he was asking for It.
Why can’t anyone beat the van at poker?
Because he’s the best at car-d games.
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat the state chess champion in less than five moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because the octopus was well armed.
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