How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?

By Demeter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotHavoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/modestmolerat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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My Dad asked for help with measuring but kept letting go of the other end of the tape measure

He was measuring my patience

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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What is an appropriate tool for Communists to measure time?

Our Glass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrowningStructure
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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Wanted to measure my height with a tape measure but couldn't do it alone. "Dad, can I borrow you for a minute?"

"Sure, as long as you give me back"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinie_Snipah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2014
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I can't believe I was able to trade a piece of fruit for a measuring device.

(Banana for scale)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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I got thrown out of the park for measuring the squirrels

I guess they didn't want me critter sizing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlakeMP
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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I find it so sad that the US uses another unit other than Β°C or K for measuring temperature.

F.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rocker230
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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From the 2020 SAT, geometry section: A farmer is welding parts in his barn. He wants to cut four bars of equal length from two lengths of iron rebar measuring 16 feet, 8 inches and 5 feet, 10 inches. How much material will be discarded? Bonus: where will the rebar, once welded, go for a good time?

A square dance

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadacolt45
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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Someone told me that there is a name for a measurement from the earth to the sun. That's pretty large I said

It must be one astronomical unit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterCheezOtter
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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When someone says Joules are the superior unit of measurements for energy

Watt the fuck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EoinTheBest123
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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Astronomers got tired of measuring the time taken for the earth to complete a full rotation of its axis.

So they decided to call it a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCooperTroopa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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The carat, a unit of mass for gemstones, and a measurement of purity for gold, takes its name from the Greek word for a carob seed from the Legume family.

No wonder they are called the Pirates of the Carob Bean.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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I just started a business for measuring microscopic objects.

It is a small scale operation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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What's the proper unit of measurement for a dad joke?

A gigglewatt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bennypapa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
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Why do people in Skyrim use dragons for measurement?

Because they have scales

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrishaCZ
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2015
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I went to the store.

I was shopping for clocks and rulers, but unfortunately they were sold out of both.

I have resorted to making my own.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteadyingRuck
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Got played by my niece the other day

I was on the couch, visiting with family. My niece is about 2 or 3. She grabs my hand and says "Ewwwwwwwwwww"

Confused, I responded "Eww?"

And as if on cue, she looks down and spits directly into my palm, with a small piece of food for good measure.

Ah...."Eww."

Her dad sitting next to me on the ps4 looks over and asked what happened. I explained what happened and we both laughed. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. It wouldn't surprise me if she becomes a stand up comic one day, or at least the class clown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marcofromda510
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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Did you hear about the herbs that were phoning everyone, trying to panic-buy all different sizes of measuring cups?

Desperate thymes call for disparate measurers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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So a farmer has trouble telling his two horses apart...

He cuts the tail of one of them and that works for awhile, but it eventually grows back. So he cuts the mane off the other one and that works, too, but that grows back and once again he is stuck.

Finally he decides to measure the horses and discovers that the black one is a foot taller than the white one.

[real joke told to me by my dad]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GameNWatch
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Whenever I use calipers I zero them

Just for good measure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalebLF10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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My 10 year old stood a few feet away from me and asked... Dad? How far away is a stud?

...my mind raced with punchlines of the β€œabout this far” variety. I tried a few on for size.

Then I realized he was looking distraught and realized I was potentially stomping on his blooming dad-joke career. So I stopped and said: β€œI don’t know son, how far?”

He still looked confused, and then I realized that he for real thought a β€œstud” was a measure of distance and this was a legit question. So I had to transition into google searching images of wall framing and what studs are. What a roller coaster of dad emotions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cid73
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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My 3 year old daughter was diagnosed with strep throat today.

I absent mindedly let her kiss me this evening, so I went and washed my lips and swished some whiskey for good measure. I know its only 35% alcohol, but I figured it was worth a shot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bebebebeelzebub
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Why were dinosaurs so big?

Because Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glyph-bellchime
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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Why did the velociraptor eat his friend?

Because Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures.

(First post here, how'd I do)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mellow_out_dude
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2017
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Hi Hungry, it's Dad. I have an important update for you.

Starting on the 1st of December and running until the 10th, /r/dadjokes will be self-post only. This 10 day trial is being conducted to measure the overall effect on post quality. We hope to see a reduction in posts that exist purely for karma-gaming, and an increase in posts that represent our favourite dad jokes and stories.

This is not a ban on images. You may still link to pictures within your self-post - but you will no longer receive karma for doing so. Also as a suggestion try and be witty about it, don't just post pictures as the only content in the post. If there is a story behind it (involving your dad or anyones dad) then give that more of a preference and use the picture as a supporting arm for the joke, remember to be nice and the punnier the better.

As always, we're open to hearing your thoughts on the matter - and this thread will be stickied for the 10 days so that you can pop in and let us know how you feel the trial is going.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/parin89
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
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Just happened at work.

Coworker was cutting slots into foam for different tools in the toolbox shelves. He was almost done when he realized he forgot the tape measure. When he went to find a place for it, he said it looks like it would be a tight fit. I looked at him and said "looks like you need to remeasure".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jwardell42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
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Went on a dad joke crusade

This was a conversation i had with a friend

friend: Dad jokes aren't good tho

Under any circumstances

me: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

friend: Commit oxygen not reach lungs

me: What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

friend: Please

Stop...

I beg of you

me: it's funny cause there's no oxygen in space

friend: I know the point of the joke

me: i was talkin about "Commit oxygen not reach lungs"

friend: Oh my god...

me: one more for good measure

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"my work here is done

friend: Dad jokes are gay

me: i tried to find a gay dad joke

i wasn't very happy with the results

friend: Ha

me: wasn't very happy

friend: Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

me: this has been the best

friend: cri

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePlagueDoctor06
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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I bought a 32ft ruler.

For extreme measures.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foofsies
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2016
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My son was hvaing trouble with his math homework...

He was working on angle measures, and had just been learning how to calculate measures for more complex quadrilaterals.

While doing his homework, I hear him from across the room groan and say quite loudly "Why can't they just be squares?!"

So I entered the room to see what was up. Deciding to be the dad I am, I said; "I take it everything's not all right?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sheyren
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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If /puns were to host a fence building party according to the rules...

(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)

  1. No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.

  2. The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.

  3. If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.

  4. Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.

  5. You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.

  6. If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.

  7. When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...

For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event over another as you work, or discussing other controversial matters. That won't change as long as you don't abuse this. Please keep your fence posts in good taste and suitable for all audiences. But if you do bring risque fence posts, make sure to cover them with a shroud labeled adult only, and I won't pull them up, provided the other rules are followed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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Tiny Little Ruler

I was using a ruler earlier in the day because I had to measure and cut something to very specific dimensions. It was a really tiny 6-inch ruler. A few hours later I was looking for it but couldn't find it at all and was starting to get pissed.

Me: Where the hell did it go? I had it two hours ago!

Mom: What are you looking for?

Me (shouting): the tiny little ruler!

From the other side of the house, my dad shouted: "Napoleon?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tauntaun-tamer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
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It's true, dad jokes make your kids smarter

link

Hope this isn't breaking any rules. If it is, I'll have to get the glue to put them back together.

(Added dad joke for good measure)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Muter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2015
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Got the coworkers good the other day.

So I work construction and it was me and 2 other guys working a few days ago. Working in an unfinished home when my coworker drops a tape measure in a small floor vent. Me being the smallest guy in the crew he asked me to see if I could reach it because he can't fit his arm in to grab it. So I was able to get it but it scrapped up my arm pretty good.

Coworker says "dang, that looks like it hurt, we could've gotten it another way. You didn't need to do that."

I reply with "It's okay, desperate times call for desperate measures."

Much grunting ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirbrowses
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
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I tried that tape measure joke.

I had my parents over. We were in my basement putting in new appliances. Inspired by this sub's all-time top post, I grabbed my dad's tape measure and started poking him with it.

"Did you actually need that for anything?"

"No, I'm just trying to measure your patience."

"My patience? I'm not even a doctor."

Learned my lesson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/broshot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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Ultrasound

Went with my wife to her ultrasound for our first born. They were measuring the baby to make sure it was growing right. They started at the head and worked their way down. When they got to the humerus the ultrasound said, β€œAnd this is the humerus.” I couldn’t help it, I blurted out β€œHa! Funny.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/medicff
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2017
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Wife beats me at last

So, I've been infuriating my wife with dadjokes for some time now. Phrases such as "I hate you" and "please don't ever speak again" are all-too-common.

Recently, my wife measured my size for a piece of a breathing machine that attaches to my nose (I have sleep apnea).

Me: Oh honey you were right about the breathing machine. I'm definitely a size medium!

Wife: I was right about the nose thing?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Would you say that my assessment was on the nose?

I stood back in awe. She had bested me. I will never, ever, be able to tell a dadjoke like that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fudgebert
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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Who dad joked who?

My grandfather needed a fancy uniform that included a hat, so my dad decided it would make the perfect Christmas gift. He wanted it to be a surprise, but he still needed to measure his head for the hat size.

"All right, dad, I need to measure your head. We need to see who's smarter." "Sure, go ahead son."

My dad measures his dad's head, and then his own head. My dad has the bigger head.

"Hah! My head is bigger, so I'm smarter!" My grandfather replies, "Don't get a big head about it!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsipidCelebrity
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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Got my students earlier (twice)

I was demonstrating for a physics lab today and we were doing an electricity experiment, building circuits and measuring voltage and current with various configurations of resistors.

One pair asked me to look at their results so I picked up the paper and started to shake my head with a scowl on my face.

Girl: What is it? What's wrong?

Me: It's these results.... they're shocking...

After a second of being genuinely worried, they realised I was laughing and looked at me angrily.

Guy: That was terrible.

Me: Sorry, I just couldn't resist.

Cue Groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gildor001
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
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My dad dropped this one on my younger sister who is in high school

My little sister was talking about doing mathematical proofs and she said "well, in the step I use a protractor to measure the proper angle, etc..."

Dad: "Well you sure can't use an amateur tractor for that!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YosefSum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
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My dad and brother teamed up!

I'm home for the holidays so I was lying down in my room when suddenly my brother and father burst in! My brother is holding a tape measure.

They say "Hey, check out this new physics we've invented!" while my brother fiddles with the tape measure.

I looked up and with a mixture of horror and resignation I asked "What?"

"It's the principle of BELLYTIVITY!" while stretching the tape measure between their belly buttons.

Cackling they both ran out of the room.

I'm stuck here for five more weeks. I don't think I'm gonna make it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Eschaton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
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Chemistry puns

My chemistry teacher loves making puns at every chance she gets, so she always comes up with interesting names for the chapters we learn.

Ch 1 & 3: What's the matter? (The chapter was obviously about matter)

Ch 4: Speaking periodically (about the periodic table)

Ch 5 & 6: Bond, chemical bond (about chemical bonds)

Ch 7: Holey Moley! (about converting measurements to moles)

Ch 8: My chemical reaction (about chemical reactions)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meganjoella
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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Professor dad-joked the whole class

Today in Advanced Microfabrication, we were talking about diffusion into silicon. One of the key measurements of diffusion is Q, or the total number of dopants in the substrate. For some reason, sometimes you use Q in the equations, and sometimes you use 2*Q.

He then asked us, "So if you have 5Q and then 5 more Q, how many do you have?"

"Uh.. 10 Q?"

"You're welcome! hahahahahahahahah"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreyPooponPoop
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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Got my whole family to groan...

My brother was doing a crossword puzzle and asks, "What unit of measurement do they use for sod?"

My response: "Yards."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daydu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2015
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I'm going to get a dog

And I will name him "Ruler" just for good measure

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuzzHeavyweek
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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Why were dinosaurs so big

Jurassic times called for Jurassic measures

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGamerBoy015
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
🚨︎ report

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