What's the best way to see big butts from a distance?

BaDONKulars

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aelbaum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20
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Friend 1: So how’s your long distance relationship going?

Friend 2: So far, so good

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twistyturtles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03
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Our art teacher wanted us to come closer to sketch an aspect of distance or time...

We all drew near.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11
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We went camping and heard some motorcycles off in the distance

There must be some wild hogs in the area

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Capta1nR3dbeard
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
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The bar is within walking distance...

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar...
And a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BelgianRoo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
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I just learned that now we have to social-distance at the beach and mark a 6-foot perimeter!

Well, I'm drawing a line in the sand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TMCBarnes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
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I invented a contraption that I could use to refine feces from long distances...

I smelt that sh!t a mile away!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 27
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WARNING- If you dont social distance yourself now, you will

vent later

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
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I don't know if keeping 2m distance from each other is such a smart idea...

Definitely not as I'm driving on the highway.

Sauce: my dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Justforgotten
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
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I was standing in the backyard staring into the distance. My wife asked what I’m doing?

I said there’s a long standing tradition in my family. She asked what is it? I said I just told you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bringojackprot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
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I’m in a long distance relationship with a masochist.

It’s hit or miss.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
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distance raptor over time raptor equals...

VELOCIRAPTOR

-heehee physics jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mollywashere318
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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What do you call a Mexican long distance runner?

Ricardio

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trollcitybandit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
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My wife told me I wasn't very good at listening - that it was time to make some changes and she needed some distance.

So I bought her an alarm clock with a remote control.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
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My friends got together to play electric guitar, but the distance from the wall to their axes was too great...

Luckily, they had a power chord.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
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A man is starving in the desert and sees a bacon tree in the distance.

When he makes it over to the tree, a robber steps out and points a gun at him.

The man says, "whoa, I just wanted some of the bacon from the bacon tree!"

The robber grunts and says, "This ain't no bacon tree. This is a hambush!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WERE_A_BAND
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"

The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.

Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return.

So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened.

The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together".

So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more.

But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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Why do crows sit on electric wires? - To make long distance caws.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timetraveller1992
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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If thor throws his hammer a long distance,

Does that make it Mjol-far?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toasterwaffle90
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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I thought my girlfriend was trying to squint to see something in the distance...

She just drew one eyebrow too low and the other too high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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What do scientists use to study high speed objects running into each other from a safe distance?

A collideoscope

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeafyOneTwo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
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I had to go to the bathroom and I pointed at a sign in the distance and asked my friend, "Does that say 'Restroom'?"...

He said he didn't know, but he saw "-room", he didnt see the rest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMillionthSam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2017
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Dad would come over too his son and measure the distance between them

Son: "What are you doing?"

Dad: "I'm measuring your patience."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashoot_my_Kafoot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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What kind of underwear do long distance runners wear?

Marathongs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sweaty_Bollocks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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What kind of underwear do long-distance runners wear?

Marathongs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardedBinder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2017
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I once got lost in the desert and thought I saw a celebrity in the distance

Turns out it was just a Nicki Mirage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leejoness
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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What do you call the force of by a piano player applied over a distance?

A Joel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theemptyqueue
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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I read an article today about a long distance race that starts in Sweden and ends in Finland...

The winner is the first person to cross the Finnish line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeTuco
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,

Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2016
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What do polar animals use to see far distances?

Albinoculars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alien_Boi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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TIL that Daryl Hall and John Oates started out as long-distance truckers

They were haulin' oats

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πŸ‘€︎ u/furrthur
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
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Q: How do elephants communicate over long distances?

A: Elephones.

(Using trunk lines.)

An actual elephone

(It's an 'ellow elephone.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dredmorbius
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2017
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My wife just told me she needed some time and distance.

I think she wants to calculate velocity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
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I throw my dog's toy short distances...

It's not that far fetched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toleary520
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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Q: What did one shepherd say to the other after seeing a wolf in the distance?

Let's get the flock out of here.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2015
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Just the other day someone asked how my long distance relationship was going

I said β€œso far,so good”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghamy300
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
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Calculus Professor says "I guess you could say distance is overrated." i.reddituploads.com/098fe…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swarrezzy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2016
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How does a 3D modeler travel long distances?

With a polygon plane!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExplosiveLlama
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2016
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I've got a really good long-distance-bromance going.

I've moved to London 2 years ago and he is still in Maryland. This was our google chat exchange just now:

Friend: Some days I miss you more than others. Today is one of those days :(

Me: awwwww... i miss you 100% every day

Friend: Is your aim that bad?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaltimoreBirdGuy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2014
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When I think of orange cars that jump long distances,

I specifically think General Lee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greatsamson3000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
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This joke goes The Distance.

SO:starts playing a song by Cake I just love Cake. Me: That's great and all but I prefer pie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orthaeus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2017
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Everything's within walking distance...

....but I just don't have the time to do it.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2017
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Distance makes the dadjokes grow fonder.

On vacation in Myrtle Beach from Michigan as we speak... as I speak... as I type, whatever. In our texting conversation my dad dropped this one on me.

Me: The fog was so thick this morning, I couldn't see the ocean.

Dad: Neither could I.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2015
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So I was monitoring our progress on Google Maps and calling out the distance to the next turn as it changed...

Daughter: "Dad, maybe you don't update our progress every mile?"

Me: "Actually, I'm updating our progress every .1 of a mile. Does that make you tenth?"

Earned me the coveted groan with double eye roll...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EngineerBill
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
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Dad joked my long distance SO

My SO recently visited me for my 21st birthday, and over the weekend I developed a bit of a cough. Today she texted me to ask how I was feeling.

"Still coughing?" "No, it's one of those moving coughs unfortunately." "Ha."

We might be young, but she knows good dad material when she sees it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keiseroll
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2014
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Dad joked my long distance girlfriend...

She texted me saying she was coming back home Friday so I sent her a text saying that I couldn't wait to see her. She replied with "Me too". I replied to that with "But you see yourself everyday" I can hear the groaning from here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpmcgary
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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