Yard Work Puns

It really takes the hedge off!

When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.

Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.

“All finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!

Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.

“Now little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?

“I sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!

I do my yard work 3 feet at a time.

Mooing the law

...apparently, I didn't cut it any mower.

So I went into the yard and played croquet.

Me: I'm going to go mow. Wife: See you later Curly.

He asked me to move my car so he could edge, so i moved it and decided i would do the edging for him. I went out back and told him i was done with the edging, turns out he already edged just not by my car, so i looked him dead in the eye and said "Guess we just have a double edged lawn"

Me: "Oh, hey, there's a beetle on my glove!"

Dad: "Which one? John, Paul, Ringo, or George?"

Me: "...Ugh. Jeez."

While pulling weeds I asked, "Why do we have so many dollar weeds?" My husband: "Because we have rich soil."

Was trimming a palm tree this morning and a piece came flying down at my wife and she said did you see how close that got to me, I turned at her from my perched position on the ladder with a huge smile and replied 'oh I saw' as I brandished my rusty saw, quite proudly.

Me: "Oh crap, I'm getting out of here!"

Dad: "Are you really that afraid of some bees?"

Me: "You know I'm super allergic to them."

Dad: "Judging by your college transcript I'd say you're more allergic to A's! (har har har) "

Me: -____-

weeding is fundamental."

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

My buddy has a bad back so I often go over his house to help his wife with yard work or moving furniture, etc. Currently, were all home because of the quarantine so it seems like the perfect time to get some things done.

Well, I've been isolated for a week and I have no reason to think I've been exposed, but I was a little anxious cause I have had a bit of a scratchy throat these past two days.

So I asked my priest if he thought it was okay to go over and help my buddy's wife with some yard work.

He replied, "do not covid your neighbors wife."

I'd been doing yard and shed work on a hot day and bought some boardshorts/trunks from an op shop (goodwill) on my way home. Joked around with the older ladies at the register. They said I should try them on and give them a parade... As I was walking away I said "... nah, I'm too hot and dirty..."

As the words were still coming out of my mouth I realized what I'd done. I left in a confused haze of embarrassment and achievement. For a brief moment I touched the state of effortless dad joke.

So my front yard has a lot of weeds and crappy grass I've been trying to get rid of for years. They're mutants, so nothing will kill them. This year, one of the decorative rocks has turned out to be covered by a giant shroom as well. This thing is enormous. It has about a hundred different canopies, but as far as I can tell it's all one organism.

So I was talking with her about things I might be able to use to get rid of all this stuff, shroom included, and after she suggested a mixture of various household products I asked if it would work on fungus as well. She said it was worth a shot and asked why I wanted to know.

I replied, "Because that thing's just taking up way too mush room."

I was over it in a few seconds, but she's been randomly cracking up for days now. Send help.

He planned to do some yard work and was looking for gloves. He sounded frustrated, and I asked him what was wrong. He said "I have three right gloves. What does that tell you?"

Me: That there's nothing left?

When my twin boys were 2 or 3 I used to jump off of the picnic table in the back yard and pull a piece of cloud (marshmallow) off and hand it to them. I asked them about it several years later and they remember me actually jumping into the sky and that the marshmallow was actually a piece of cloud. It’s amazing how the mind works.

Dad and I have been replacing the fence in his back yard the last few weeks when I'm off work. We had the posts up but he finally put up the fence boards, and they're enormously tall. I reacted when I saw them.

"Jeez, dad, are you building a great wall?"

"No, a fence."

"None taken."

He responded with a glorious eye roll. It said, "I'm proud of you, son."

(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)

1. No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.

2. The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.

3. If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.

4. Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.

5. You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.

6. If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.

7. When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...

For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event over another as you work, or discussing other controversial matters. That won't change as long as you don't abuse this. Please keep your fence posts in good taste and suitable for all audiences. But if you do bring risque fence posts, make sure to cover them with a shroud labeled adult only, and I won't pull them up, provided the other rules are followed.

I'm coming up with "punny names" for 3 different services. Yard work, Babysitting, and dogwalking. So far, all I have is "Patty O's lawn mowing service"

I need two of each. Thanks!

We were out in our yard and a v of geese flew over. We both looked up and he said "You know why one side of the v is longer than the other?" Now I was expecting some intelligent response so, intrigued, I said "no why?" He just turned to me and with a completely straight face said "Well there's more geese on that side" and continued working. I still laugh like crazy when I think of it.

Over the weekend, while working in the yard, a neighbor walked by and asked if I had seen their dog. I told her I hadn't, but I would keep watch out for it.

A little bit later a police cruiser pulled up and asked if I had seen a shih tzu. I told them that there was one in Columbus and one in Cincinnati, but they were both pretty good. The passenger rolled his eyes, but the driver literally laughed out loud. The dad was apparent.

so the events manager was coordinating with the head chef at my job (i work at a hotel).

they were discussing the three types of fish they currently had in stock and people's receptions. the general consensus regarding the first was positive. they moved on to the second which also received rave reviews. they left out discussion of the third. from my chair about 20 yards away i proclaim;

"i guess the third is a whole other fish to fry!"

audible groan from everyone in the office. success.

my dad would be proud.

as she opens the front door to leave for work

Her - Oh no! It's frosty!

Me - Oh no! What is a snowman doing in our front yard!?

she rolled her eyes and walked out

Context to the story: My mom is getting some work done in her backyard. Trees are being removed and they are digging to put an in ground pool in.

Story: Mom and I are driving back from an outing for Mother's Day. We are talking about the back yard and the work getting done.

Mom: When the pool gets put in I'll be dirt poor.

Me: But right now you're dirt rich!

Mom:look of disappointment

My kids wanted to camp in the back yard. My wife set the tent up while I was at work and expected me to sleep outside with them. I had to work the next morning. My wife was going to camp with them instead.

For reference, I call my daughter my princess and me and my wife have a queen size bed.

Daughter:(trying to talk me into camping with them)If you don't sleep outside you won't get to snuggle with your princess! Me: it's ok, I'll have a queen all to myself. Wife:groan

We have a huge yard and 3 dogs and it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to clean up all the dog poop. We hire a company that sends people over to do it. Today, they didn't do a very good job and most of the poop was still there.

Me: That's some bullshit.

Dad: No, that's dog shit.

My dad had just come inside from doing yard work. He says, "I was walking around outside when I saw a snake in the yard, but it was missing both its head and tail and I was wondering what kind of animal would do that. Then I realized it was a deer! ...A John Deere!"

We see a limo drive by our house while we are standing outside doing yard work.

Dad: "I wonder if he'll be able to make that tight left hand turn."

He walks to the end of the driveway and watches the limo take the turn at the end of the road.

Dad: "Huh, noooo prob-LIMO!"

Me: groans

I work at in a lumber yard and a customer got me today. I asked an older gentleman today if he was looking for anything specific. He told me he was looking for a 2 by 4 and asked if we cut them. I told him that we do and asked how long he wanted it. He said "well it's going in my wall so I'd like it for a long time." I groaned but got him back when I cut it. I cut it twice, looked at him and said "I don't know what happened, I cut it twice and it's still too short." We had a good laugh.

We just got a new propane powered fire pit for our back yard and we are switching propane tanks around to make it work. My mom asked: "so does the fire pit have gas?" My dad responded without skipping a beat: "Why? Did you give it beans?"