I was trying to reshape the border of my back yard when my neighbours fence fell over...
People ask me why I keep bring my sled to places like yard sales and the flea market
I tell them the answer is simple...Toboggan!
What does the 50 yard line and a toilet have in common?
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
I was reminded of the time’s when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....
Those were the GOODYEARS.
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20
Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know”
I was walking by a yard sale the other day
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew i couldn’t turn that down.
Do you all remember being in the back yard and dad pushing you in the tire swing?
I made a graph of all the animals I've observed pooping in my yard.
Yesterday I had a 10-point, an 8-point, and a 4-point buck in my yard at the same time.
The neighbour's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
How do you make the bugs in your yard pay rent?
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash...
He's better off in the long run.
We tried planting some herbs in the back yard.
The basil has done fine, the other died. I turned to my wife and said, “well, there’s no thyme in quarantine!”
My son went crazy running around the neighborhood breaking small twigs in everyone's yard one night...
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
What is Irish and sits in the back yard?
On my yacht, I make one of the crew dress in cute costume to stand for the pole supporting the yards, booms, and rigging...
Me: How much for the angry yard gnome?
Yard Sale Lady: That's my son.
Courtesy of my 7 year old : What do you call a cow who is cleaning the yard?
Old man Art was planting flowers in his front yard. The homeowners’ association fined him $100.
Yard Art is strictly prohibited.
My son learned about radioactive decay in chemistry class, he was real excited when he got home and had a million questions. He wanted to build a reactor in the back yard. I told him we couldn’t. “What, are you not smart enough?”
“No U”
I’ll see myself out.
I removed some grass from my front yard in the shape of my favorite movie/video game weapon.
But my HOA informed me that they don't allow sod-off shotguns.
In the summer, I earn money by sprinkling tiny drops of water every morning on the front yards of rich people.
I don’t earn much, but I make dew.
My parents banned me from riding my Vespa in the yard.
So I just moped around the house all weekend...
What did the man say to the kid who left a tub of Fluorine on his yard
The film "The Longest Yard" has its pros and cons.
I met with my friend who said he developed a weapon to harness the wind and propel it like a bullet. We took turns firing at a target he had in his yard...
This morning I climbed up to the beehive in my yard and used putty to block the exit.
I found the pope wandering around in my yard...
he said he was just ROME-ing around!
My god doesn't poop or pee in the yard.
I pray to dog that he finally will.
What did the dog say when asked how he liked his new yard?
"I can dig it."
(Courtesy of my own child. I'm a proud daddy this day.)
With over 25,000 yards a season as a quarterback in high school with no interceptions, he predicted he would be in the NFL
I drove past a lumbar yard the other day. They were having a “Bark Sale”
I thought to myself, “man... sales must be ruff.”
Whenever I have to count the weeds in my yard,
I use the Round Up method.
I had to send my Kia to the junk yard...
Arrived home from a weekend trip to find a dead crow in the back yard.
Wife: What is that?
Me: A dead crow.
Wife: What! How did it get there? How did it die?
Me: Well, I just see one, so I don't think it was a murder.....
Your bullying neighbor next door decided that the part of your yard with his favorite tree in it is his yard now? Oh, boo hoo...
Dad in the yard
When I was much younger, pointing out a nest of yellowjackets living in a hole in our yard:
Me: "Dad, you gotta come check out the bee hole!"
Dad: "Is that anything like an A-hole?"
At the lumber yard....
Dad: I'm building a deck, I'm here to get some 2x4s
Guy: how long ya need it?
Dad: Well I'm hoping it'll last at least a few years
My dad was bragging about catching a mole in the yard...
So I ask him, "How many more are there to catch?"
He says, "Oh, about 6.02 times 10 to the 23rd."
Gotta love engineers!
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