I just spent three hours chasing all the water fowl out of my yard...

I have no egrets.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards

I'm sure that must have been a record

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/custardy_cream
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...

It’s my retirement hedge fund.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?

It was chipped.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeoshua82
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.

Everything was going great until I went to pay him and he said β€œyour wife already took care of it.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MiksBricks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear they are not making yard sticks any longer?

They’re not making them any shorter either.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My chickens escaped and over my yard...

I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Will-It-Fit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes

"I artichoke you for that"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My senile old father came out into the yard, as my kid was feeding the squirrels and started yelling, "Shooo! Shooo!" At them.

I just didn't have the heart to tell him they were squirrels; not shoes. As long as he doesn't try to put them on again. That got messy.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glitchygreymatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?

Gnomads.

(I'm not a dad but I came up with this one last year and have been dying to share it.)

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadLuck627
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?

It really takes the hedge off!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Probcauz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I was trying to reshape the border of my back yard when my neighbours fence fell over...

Wrong post

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheKiwiBlitz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
People ask me why I keep bring my sled to places like yard sales and the flea market

I tell them the answer is simple...Toboggan!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/canyuse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard, and taking poops on my flower bed.

His dog is not as bad.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the 50 yard line and a toilet have in common?

Best seat in the house.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deerkiller14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Just heard some pretty sad news about yard sticks

Did you know they aren't making yard sticks any longer?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeachPeachMcgee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December

There is a Santa clause.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/omgwtfbbq7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??

Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pardon_the_panj
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I found a cool rock in my father-in-law's yard. FIL- Oh that's a native American fertility stone. Me- Really! How can you tell? FIL- ....

It's a fuckin rock.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plumbbookknurd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend was explaining at length about how he was digging holes in his back yard for water.

He was boring.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard

I’m not a huge fan of the bark

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twirly_Wang
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What type of underwear does a yard wear?

Lawngerie.

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlissedIgnorance
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...

And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yard.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/calliecadillac
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What does Tony Hawk use to landscape his yard?

Face plants

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foamy07
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. β€œYou need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. β€œDo you mow the whole yard in one direction.”

β€œWhy?” she asked.

β€œBecause that’s what makes it beautiful.”

Oh, the eye roll on this kid.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisoatkins
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a back yard like Greta Garbo

It wants to be a lawn

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nico735
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.

We're looking for the root cause.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I was reminded of the time’s when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....

Those were the GOODYEARS.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeffro4140
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbour with big boobs was gardening topless in their yard again...

I just wish his wife would come out with him

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œFrom a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”

β€œCOVID19 DAY20

Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know”

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zomida
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A mafia boss hired a hitman to take down a few pines in his front yard

The hitman asked: 'what do you want me to do after the job is done?' The mafia boss replied: 'I want you to go bury tree bodies.'

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm heartbroken since my Dog was stolen last week from our yard.

Police haven't found any leads yet.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.

I'm stumped!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you all remember being in the back yard and dad pushing you in the tire swing?

Those were Goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/konajones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking by a yard sale the other day

I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew i couldn’t turn that down.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOwl121
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a graph of all the animals I've observed pooping in my yard.

It's a scatter plot.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dothemagic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I had a 10-point, an 8-point, and a 4-point buck in my yard at the same time.

It was a stag party

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tenglempls
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The neighbour's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.

But that didn't solve anything.

Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I caught my delivery driver dropping a turd in my yard today.

When asked to leave a review I gave him a number 2

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Micktheprivz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If I grow peppers from other countries in my back yard

Is it horticultural appropriation?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stupidlyugly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash...

He's better off in the long run.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
We tried planting some herbs in the back yard.

The basil has done fine, the other died. I turned to my wife and said, β€œwell, there’s no thyme in quarantine!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KeepTheFaith613
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw some dead batteries at a yard sale.

When I asked how much, the lady said they were free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mysticune
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My son went crazy running around the neighborhood breaking small twigs in everyone's yard one night...

I think he just snapped.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.

I'm sure that must have been a record.

πŸ‘︎ 450
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
So I heard they are not making yard sticks any longer.

Just 3 feet and no longer.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cabbithunt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a yard wear?

Lawngerie

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeffer90
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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