True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown

So you can start the New Year off on the right foot

Edit: Thanks for the silver

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crustydog19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you accidentally miss the exit for your camp ground?

Past-tents

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deathorcharcoal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"

I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death

The police are treating it as a hummuside

πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you keep water in a hole in the ground until you need it?

Well...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dusk118
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
At a rest stop, the other day, a cop asked me why I was stroking the ground....

β€œOfficer, the sign clearly says to β€˜pet area.’”

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
When he found out I was sick, my friend messaged me, hoping that I will quickly find a deep hole in a ground full of water.

I'm happy he wished me to get well soon.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife dropped a tofurkey on the ground

I said it's now called a tofloorkey

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sleepybearjew
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The Theory of Plate Tectonics is on pretty shaky ground.
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaredLiwet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him..

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/champion-13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the news about the shovel? It's ground breaking. But the broom?

That really swept the nation.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't you think the shovel was a ground-breaking invention?

(I saw this in a youtube video by Mishkali titled "Attack on Titan Dad Jokes" I'm not sure if she made the joke herself, but credit goes to whoever did.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrub42069
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother dug a hole in the ground, filled it with water then designed a moving staircase that was powered by it.

That well escalated quickly!

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the ska band say when they threw their mic on the ground?

pickitup pickitup pickitup!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Binksamus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a benefit concert for dolphin conservation at the camping grounds

It's for all in tents and porpoises

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/s7evenofspades
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I hired someone to dig a hole in the ground to get water...

Money well spent

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lo0220
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks

"woof" guy replies

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDogBoyMark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a hallway on the ground

A floor-ridor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/masesarkidd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Ground coffee.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkAntonyRR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a cop zap a criminal with a Taser, but then shocked him again when he was already on the ground...

The first one was probably justified, the the second one was just re-volting.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Today, I asked who left their cold-smoked herrings on the ground at the market but no one answered.

Well, finders kippers.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wilackan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Ground coffee
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebear96
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I was cleaning the coffee filter and forgot to rinse the grounds down the sink.

My wife comes up and asks me why I forgot to clean the sink. I said β€œWhat? Am I grounded?”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bambajon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A rare picture of ground in its natural habitat
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrTomas150
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The old lady who lives next door keeps talking about a small deep-ground reservoir...

I think she means well.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TMCBarnes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Gulag was Putin the ground
πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/f1fan6890
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...

I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.

I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Can we stop circulating the same jokes over and over into the ground.

It's boring.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kellzone
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Ground Coffee !
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrpaavum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the most ground breaking invention of all time?

... the Plow!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZimbaZumba
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"

It didn't help, but I knew he meant well

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HarryGoLocky
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?

A dead centipede

πŸ‘︎ 401
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grumpy_hubby
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The court released the suspect on the grounds of being on an armor show on the night of the murder ...

it was an ironclad alibi!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/troy_lc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Ground coffee

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, β€œWaiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, β€œBut, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I just read about the most ground breaking invention in the history of humanity

It’s a shovel

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sergio_the_pro
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave my wife some ground chickpeas and she choked to death.

The cops are treating it as a hummus-cide.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Ground breaking inventions
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glitchomojo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Technically everything on the ground

is under the weather.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueTechJermayan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
We found a dolphin skeleton on the beach, so we ground the bones to make some bread...

It was all-porpoise flour.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I dropped my laptop on the ground, and it broke!

I guess it didn’t have much HP.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid cried when his soda fell on the ground.

I told him to suck it up

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Demonazzzz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call frozen ground beef?

Ham-brrrrr-ger

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeabaSquad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I keep being awakened by dreams of Indian dishes that use a complex combination of spices or herbs, usually including ground turmeric, cumin, coriander, ginger, and fresh or dried chilies...

It's a re-curry-ing nightmare.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evadguitar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him.

He’s doing better currently, and conducting himself properly

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report

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