Eighty Puns

The government should force every student to read it

Aye matey!

"None of your Bismuth".

Dad - How do they know what size tv we have?

Me - Groan!

Aye Matey!

EDIT: Yarr Thanks far the treasure laddy, I do love me some gold.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

But I must have been wrong; he said, "I'm eighty."

(Aye, matey)

Threw the first dart. Umpire says “double twenty”. Threw the second dart. Umpire says “double twenty”. Threw the final dart and a nun stood up, hit her straight on the head and killed her.

Umpire says “One nun dead and eighty!”

...and he found just the pair he wanted on a market stall, so he asked the price and was told, "like, eighty dollars, man". He turned to his old lady for the bread and she was staring open-mouthed, and she whispered, "John, they're too much!". So John turned back to the stallholder and said, "crazy, man, I'll take two pairs".

He tells his friend, I've gone sixty-seven years without glasses. Now they tell me I'll need them every day. His friend replies I've gone eighty-two years, and not needed glasses a day in my life. Oh yeah? Says the first old-timer. How's that? Because, says the second, I take my liqour from a bottle.

I called to invite my grandfather to my upcoming rehearsal dinner. His response: "I don't need to rehearse eating dinner, I've done it for eighty years!"

He was facing away from the Dart board at me drinking at the bar.

He says, "Watch this."

He turns around and throws a dart at the board and yells;

"ONE HUNDRED and EIGHTY!!!!!"

Just saw this on facebook...

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

Aye matey!

Aye Matey

Aye Matey!

Aye Matey! (I’m eighty!)

"Aye matey."

Aye Matey.

I'm eighty.

(say it out loud!)

Aayyeeee'm Eighty!