I’ve been good. No ice cream on Thursday. None on Friday. None on Saturday.

Then, Sundae.

πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reedandsue
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.

Turned out they already had the auntybodies.

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thyminecraft
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants β€œWhy do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good ol’ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!” He was surprisingly vocal...

For a closet racist.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm putting together a book of tried and true recipes, none of which will include thyme as an ingredient.

>!I've decided the title is going to be 'Thymeless Classics'!<.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A basso, I could hit none of the notes for the solo of the opera, A Streetcar Named Desire...

But that's not my aria of expertise.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
None of the other subs seem to appreciate my festive Gingerbread house. Maybe you folks would appreciate it?
πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyrizzle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What rock group has only four members and none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I bet none of you will see this one coming

1

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
None of my Co-workers are left handed.

We get along all right.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ffjuice
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Master of Noneβ€’β€’β€’Pastor of Muppets
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
In my defense, I have none
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/swain18
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I have figured out why none of my friends like my cheesy jokes and puns.

They are laughtose intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Am_Cha_Bu_Duo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
None of your bismuth
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?

An udder disaster.

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lin-Duh
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Ain't none
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs110466
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I got these for Christmas. None are very GOUDA, but they’re so stupid I still laugh
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Audv11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Definitely not mine, but punny none the less.
πŸ‘︎ 602
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fear_Kitten
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
The problem with Freudian psychology is that none of his hypotheses are testicle.

*Edit: Testable.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work
πŸ‘︎ 538
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I called five different businesses to fix the leak in my roof - none did.

But Seal Team Six got the job done!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The very best, bar none. [OC]
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hauntedshock
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do they call them fun fair games when none of them are actually fair...?
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BOGUEINATOR
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
The aviary I visited had many birds but none of what I really wanted to see. I had a good time anyway.

No egrets.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My niece was talking mussels from her father's bowl and left none for him.

Me: Did you just take all of your dad's mussels?

Her, grinning: Yup!

Me: Isn't that a little shellfish?

(Explosion of laughs from the children and eye rolls from the adults)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bondjimbond
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a book of magic tricks. It’s badly written and none of the tricks work.

I guess the magician writer didn’t use spell check.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Recently, my father passed away in the hospital. He had a cardiac problem, and we needed to perform a blood transfusion in order to save him. Unfortunately, none of us knew his blood type.

As he was dying, he kept telling us to "be positive," but it's incredibly hard to without him.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ImprovedBore
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I went knife shopping today but returned empty handed. None of them made the cut
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
2 for me, none for you.
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/matthewjhendrick
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Brendon Urie just flipped out because none of his electronics have been able to work

He had a panic at the Cisco

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Adam-P-D
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Bruh, now i know why none of my posts have blown up, it's coz i asked to have them all in one piece yesterday.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yeetusdeleetus101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
None of my cleaners got the stain out, so I gave up.

My wife said I lacked Resolve.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
There once was a farm, famed for the high quality of product from the award winning cows, many spoke of it in hushed, respectful tones, but none could say where it was, and many claimed, but none could prove that they had been there.

It was legendairy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahmaybe2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
10 puns were standing in a line to see which one was the best, but none of them won. No pun in ten did.
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NINJAQKk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I wanted to write a joke about sodium but then I was like na none of ya’ll will get it
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShakinBacon64
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Tried Indian food for the first time. They recommended the Chicken Pakora appetizer, but I was having none of it.

For me it was a Naan starter.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ntwiles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
None of the planets in our solar system have shown interest in a relationship with Pluto

He's just too cold and distant.

Bonus punchline.. They just want a platonic friendship

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FoxRings
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?

Because Noah was standing on the deck

Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dtjordan68
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I bet none of you will see this one coming

1

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s a rock group of 4, where none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Firehornet117
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I bet none of you see this one coming.

1

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/midget_clown
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I bet none of you will see this one coming

1

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/One_Day_Dead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I bet none of you will see this one coming

1

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snowboard3r
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2017
🚨︎ report
I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!
πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jambroseee
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I bet none of you will see this one coming

1

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GodMustafi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I bet none of you saw this one coming....

1

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.