Dad: you should probably drive, running that far seems like a lot of unnecessary work.
He hopes to make a bundle!
Since its the dead centre of the city
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
It was a minor minority minor miner notoriety.
I don’t know how they sleep at night.
If you want credit go to Helen Waite
The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming, grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter until he was out cold.
She was SO upset she had a counter fit.
I don’t know how they can sleep at night.
I was able to turn the tide.
He'd be clerk Kent
an inconvenience store
The balls on that guy.
It was just my two cents.
The guy puts down the beer and runs away. Spidey picks up the beer to take it back to the store, but he pauses. In a moment of weakness, he takes the beer home for himself.
That's how Peter Parker pinched a pack of pilfered Pilsners.
Heaven eleven
The kids were probably around 8-12 years old. They all go the sweet aisle and start looking at the chocolate etc. The father picks up a bag of M&Ms and says to his kids:
"Hey, want some Slim Shadys?"
They give him a funny look. He looks again and notices that they're 2 for £1.
"50 Cent for some Eminems? That's Ludacris!"
Cue another look from the kids.
"I'll pay for them though, it's no Biggie."
I'll admit, I chuckled.
Wife was paying for the stuff when the cashier asked " Do you have gas?" Norma said "No", I immediately said "She was asking if you farted"
Cashier was stone faced. Norma gave me "The look" and lady next to us cracked up. I won!!
Father-in-Law: And do people actually adhere to it? Me: No, cuz they put it sticky side down.
Dad replies, "Oh, no - we each have our own."
Cashier looks at my dad like a perv while his grin slowly fades back to :[
They’re getting very holey
The Lil Jon
My friend owns a greenhouse and was trying to drum up sales for valentine's day. She put out a bunch of posters all over town - in the park, outside city hall, and even in a few convenience stores and restaurants. Just about everyone was incredibly helpful and gave her permission. However, the animal sanctuary owner refused outright and asked her to leave. She was very sad, but in the end, she came to understand that...
>!Only zoo can prevent florist fliers.!<
And for your convenience, it's all within the same hotdog!
A convenience store!
Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.
The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, “I no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”
Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.
Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, “Let’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”
Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.
Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.
Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.
Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.
Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.
The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.
Scott said, “Little Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”
Pork Chop replied, “No way José! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”
Scott, undeterred by the reply says, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”
Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.
Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.
Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas
... keep reading on reddit ➡"I swear, this is the most convenient object I own. It appears my schedule would indeed allow for a light Netflix binge," he said, time-waistingly.
We stopped at a dollar store to pick up a few items, and I parked in front of the store next to a handicap stall. I noticed the handicap stall was the same width as a regular parking stall, to which I remarked, "That's not really a convenient parking stall as there's no space for the handicap person to maneuver." My wife replied, "Ya, that's not very handy!"
Visual reference http://i.imgur.com/hM8a1kP.jpg
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase.
Went to check out the bears. When I arrived at their pen, there was a sign on the door that said:
We apologize, but this pen is currently empty and "bear-ren." Please "bear" with us as we continue to perform some maintenance on this pen. The bears that live here should be back in a couple of hours. We apologize for any convenience this has caused."
I like this zoo already. XD
...if I put salt on it's tail, is what my dad told me. I spent an entire summer in France running down pidgeons with salt packets (conveniently supplied by my dad).
EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.
It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.
Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.
Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.
Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.
We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.
Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?
My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.
But that's not why I come here.
I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face
... keep reading on reddit ➡This one was me getting my dad.
Me-puts beer in snow outside window to keep cold
Dad- that's convenient.
Me- you know what they say, "when in snow, do as the snowmans."
So my wife went in to the local convenience store to get us slushies, I asked for a red one. Here was our conversation when she came out.
Her: I got you Mountain Dew because the red wasn't ready.
Me: So was it bluey?
Her: ...
Me: staring at her with a shit eating grin
Her: Yeah I get it.
Quick backstory: there is a bar in my town that all new alumni of the town's university sign upon graduation. My friends and I were in their celebrating a 21st birthday on Saturday and I just graduated. The bar is a restaurant in the daytime and they have great sundaes.
My friend asked the bartender for a sharpie so I could sign the ceiling. The bartender didn't have one and this was our exchange:
Me: "Ah let's come in tomorrow and get sundaes and I'll sign the ceiling."
Friend: "Sounds good to me."
Me: "It could be a sundate."
Friend: "Really...."
Me: "Convenient on Sunday!"
Friend: "Jokes on you it's going to be really cloudy!"
Me: "So then it's just clou-day."
Friend: "Get out." (Turns back to me while cringing)
There is a CVS about a 5 minute walk from my house that I like to get my convenience shopping done at with these auto-checkout kiosks that always lock up. I scanned my drinks and like clockwork the machine started beeping that somebody would be available to assist me shortly; the machine had locked up. A young girl scans her ID to bring it back to functionality and asks if I needed any further assistance.
I pointed to my reflection in the window and said "No thanks, I'm going to finish checking myself out and be on my way" and flexed a bit
It took her a second, but once the guy in the photo department started cracking up she got it. I laughed all the way home.
I was making whipped creams tonight. Since we make our own, we have these little CO2 cartridges that we use to “charge" the whipped cream. These are conveniently called chargers.
I was looking for these charges, even I asked my shift, “Where'd we put the freaking chargers?!" To which he replies, “In a San Diego."
For context, the Chargers are an American football team located in San Diego, California.
Being the forgetful dad that I am, I wrote a few items I needed from the local convenience store on my hand so I wouldn't forget what all I needed. The young girl at the check out counter saw the list and said, "Nice list there, I do that all the time too." I replied, "yeah you could say its pretty handy."
I don’t know how they can sleep at night.
A convenience store!
