I have finished childproofing my home but I didn't do a good job.
My kids are still able to get in the house.
In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
You can't do this to me. I know my rights!
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
Why do I always feel great on Saturdays and Sundays, and sick on all the other days ?
Maybe I just have a weekend immune system..
Student: Professor, can I do something to raise my grade?
Professor: Um, you know it’s May, right?
Student: Of course, so sorry! “May I do something to raise my grade?”
If I have $120 in one pocket, and $180 in the other pocket what do I have?
Do you want to hear a new word I made up?
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
I asked my son today “Why do you always sing to your corn on the cob before eating it?”
His explanation was music to my ears.
Do I have to keep making dad jokes? The short answer is No.
The long answer is Nnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooo.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forwards
I do punny art 😉 Hope you guys like them.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...
"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."
Why can’t I never find time to do yoga?
Because my schedule is kinda tight
Why do I always get a sinking feeling when I watch the Titanic?
Just floating the question out there.... Can anyone give me a tip?
My son refused to do a video project with another student at school. I asked why he was so opposed to it and he said.....
Yesterday, my wife asked me "How do I look?"
I replied "Oh that's easy, you just use your eyes."
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
When I married my wife, I made a list of all the chores I knew how to do to help out in the house.
It was the list I could do
One thing I'll never do is tell dad jokes
“My wife is going into labor, what do I do?” “Is this her first child?”
“No, this is her husband”
How do i know women dont like being patronized?
Let's just say a little bird told me.
I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...
An avid coin collector, I had run out of money for food. What should I do? I know!
I still had my pizzas of eight!
Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do?"
Me: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them."
What do you guys think of this picture that I drew?
https://imgur.com/Qo6lEIa
Why do I do this to myself?
Puns make me feel numb. Mathematical puns make me number.
I asked my wife, if there's anything she regrets in our marriage. Do you know what she said?
My gym instructor suggested I do lunges to keep fit.
That would be a big step forward.
I decided I do not want any children
If anybody wants one, I can drop her off tomorrow.
I was interrogating a crab the other day and I asked it “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?”
I have a computer that does the exact opposite of what you tell it to do
it talks so if it's being annoying just say "open down"
I'm looking for someone to take care of my toddler that doesn't do drugs or smoke cigarettes.
Seriously, he's been teetotal for months now.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was gonna put a third set on it, but the ole bike just couldn't do the job anymore.
Which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
My wife suggested I do lunges as an exercise to get fitter during quarantine.
That sounds ...like a big step.
I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if it had something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.
So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.
I had nothing to do so I thought of personally mixing the small leaves of a low-growing aromatic plant of the mint family.
But I knew I’d end up with too much Thyme on my hands
What body part do you spell using the letters P, E, N, I, and S?
Even though I've never met you, I know how to spell your name. Do you want to know how?
I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’
He said ‘How flexible are you?’ I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’
If there’s one thing I can’t stand to do...
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
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