My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
π︎ 22k
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two iβs."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isnβt it!?"
π︎ 402
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
π︎ 227
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
π︎ 864
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
I wood do it
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
I hired an ex-pilot to do some painting in my house
He's actually pretty good! He made a great job of the landing.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
π︎ 38
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
π︎ 72
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 175
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, βDo you want to hear todayβs special?β
I said, βYes please.β
Waiter: βNo problem sir. Today is special.β
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Sep 13 2020
My neighbor just asked what I do with βleft overβ bacon.
I consider myself a bacon connoisseur but Iβve never heard of that kind before, can anyone help me out on this?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
I was at a friends funeral and I said to the widow βdo you mind if I say a word?β
She said go ahead.
I stood up said βplethoraβ and sat back down.
βThank youβ, the grieving widow responded, βit means a lotβ
π︎ 48
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
i do not think they were fans of my pun.
π︎ 494
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
I was at the store with my wife picking out a turkey and she seemed unimpressed by the size. She asked "do they get any bigger?"
I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β In my best bear voice, I replied...
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
π︎ 82
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
I canβt do good work in Excel without getting compliments,
I really need the validation.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
What do I call a guy with rubber toe
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow Iβm returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
π︎ 219
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
"Dad, can you do my math homework for me?" I chuckled, "No son, it wouldn't be right." He sighed...
"Well, at least you could try."
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
My wife and I were shopping for clothes at the department store when she asked, "Do you prefer boxers or briefs?"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
Nothing I can do about it
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
My friend works in IT and I asked him, βHow do you make a motherboard?β
He said, βI usually tell her about my job.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
βI love my job!β exclaimed the farmer. βAll you do is boss me around all day!β complained one of his sheep. βWhat did you say?β challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
π︎ 782
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
What do breast pumps and I statements have in common?
They help you express yourself.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
I asked some clams to help me move but all they wanted to do was sit there and breathe seawater.
I told them they were just being shellfish.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Santa's wife, wearing a skimpy outfit : How do I look?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Me: So, what do you do for a living? Ornithologist: Well, Iβm an ornithologist.
Me: Oh, really? Knock, knock!
Ornithologist: Whoβs there?
Me: Woodpeckers.
Ornithologist: Woodpeckers who?
Me: No, thatβs the owl. And you call yourself an ornithologist?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
I thought parfumes were useless but they do make scents.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's almost always an eyelash...
π︎ 83
π
︎ Nov 24 2020
Yeah, I work out. I do one sit-up every day.
When I get up in the morning, thatβs half. When I lie back down at night, thatβs the other half.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"
I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
This happened with me today morning. My phone's headphone jack isn't working so I asked my dad what to do about it.
He said, "Let's get a headphone Jill, then!"
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
My 10 year old son said, βHey Dad, do you know why I want to shoot a hog?β
βSo we can have hamburgers!β
He was serious but it still cracked me up.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
Do I enjoy making courthouse puns?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
I asked you to pretreat those pants, you better not try to make the puppy do it..
or else I'ma start singing "WHO LENT THE DOG ZOUT"
(Alright I think these are out of my system... no promises)
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
I got dad joked by my 3 year old daughter at dinner today: "Hey do you have a bun?" I asked her.
"NO I WANT A WHOLE BUN"
She's well on her way to being the dad I never had
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
Do you know why I got fired from the calendar factory?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
I said to my daughter "The cows are out sleeping in the field." She said "What's that got to do with anything? "
I said "It's pasture bedtime."
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
I said to my daughter, βItβs time for bed, the cows are asleep in the fieldβ. She asked βwhatβs that got to do with anythingβ?
I said βItβs pasture bedtimeβ.
π︎ 114
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
I told my daughter to go to bed because the cows are sleeping. She asked whatβs that go to do with anything..
I said itβs because itβs pasture bedtime.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
