My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, β€œIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, β€œI'm on the toilet, please advise…”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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My 13-year-old told me he has an ant bite.

I asked if he has an Uncle Chew. He hasn't acknowledged me in half an hour. I can't stop laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Socratio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I hate it when mosquitoes bite me

It really bugs me out

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrew3200
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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I took a bite of a jalapeno that was much too spicy for me

Some might say I was in - hella-pain-yo

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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A tree threatened to bite me

But it was all bark

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrLazyTiger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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Unexpected dad joke from Mom... My dad was grilling pork chops today. Normally not a fan, but I decided to try a bite. It was delicious, so I turned to my dad and said, "Wow Dad! These pork chops are really well done!" From behind me, Mom quipped...

"Actually, they're medium-well."


I paused for a good 10 seconds as it began to sink in, and then gave her the biggest applause I could.

I'm so happy.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoBlizzard12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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Little Johnny is in class on day

The teacher asks the class, β€œ there are five birds on a power line, and you shoot two of them, how many are left?”

Johnny replies, β€œ none the rest flew away when they heard the shot.”

The teacher says, β€œ no three are left but I like the way you think.”

So then Johnny says, β€œ let me ask you a question. There are three women eating ice cream, one licking it, one sucking it, and one biting it, which ones married?”

The teacher says, β€œ the one sucking?”

Johnny says, β€œ no the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnorakBeta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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My buddy invited me to go fishing with him.

But when he told me the fish were biting I said, β€œheck no!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PulkPush
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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I went to the dentist yesterday...

I went to my dentist yesterday, and after about a half an hour of cleaning and filling I finally could go home. Before I left he stopped me and said,

"Hey man, you better lay off the sweets, you'll get cavities."

I scoffed and replied, "I'll be fine doc."

Today I took a bite into my third chocolate bar and suddenly a jolt of pain shot from my tooth,

"OW MOTHERFU--"

I went to the dentist again, running inside. He turned to me and smirked,

"The tooth hurts, doesn't it?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatNamedCheete
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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Dad jokes at the dinner table
  • Me: Decides to be adventurous at dinner, orders pasta with squid ink
  • My dad: β€œMy dinner is delicious, you should try some”
  • Me: β€œOnly if you try a bite of this pasta, it’s really good too”
  • My dad, who rarely tells jokes, starts smiling: β€œSo you’re suggesting a... squid pro quo?”
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whysomanyemmas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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My sister dadjoked me pretty good over dinner.

I took my kid sister to In-N-Out for dinner. I asked for my burger with no pickles. I took a bite and said, "I definitely just bit into a pickle."

She looked at me and said, "Dill with it."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wibbs1123
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
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I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.

I expect that'll come back to bite me.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merulius
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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What do you call a boomerang made of teeth?

I don't remember the punchline and it's probably gonna come back to bite me.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, β€œNow you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams β€œTria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. β€œWhat did you say” asked the chief. β€œTria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

β€œHoly shit” said Bob β€œWhat did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

β€œWell” said Frank, β€œmy Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernamemispeled
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Abbott and Costello talk about Lou's new dog

(From Abbott and Costello’sΒ radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if I’d have been wearing a license plate, he’d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen β€” in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother β€” Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, I’m not talking about that. What is the dog’s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, …
Lou Costello: That’s it, Abbott! He’s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editor’s note: we now call an β€œicebox” a β€œrefrigerator”)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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As I taped a barracuda to a boomerang, I remember thinking that...

...this could really come back to bite me.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaleoGamer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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I'm allergic to sharks..

..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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I regret buying a boomerang with teeth on my recent trip to Australia.

It came back to bite me.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Dad joked at a barbecue

We had just finished barbecuing, and my sister accidentally dropped her hot dog on the floor. My parent's dog instantly pounced on it and scarfed it down in one bite.

My grandpa then turned to me with the biggest shit-eating grin:

"It's a dog-eat-dog world."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
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A coworker brought donuts and sausage rolls for Valentines day...

... but by the time I made it to the break room, the sausage rolls were gone.

I stood there, looking at the donuts, lamenting the missed opportunity of the sausage rolls.

Another coworker overheard me, stating "Well maybe it's a good thing, ya know, maybe you're watching your weight?"

I picked up a chocolate frosted donut and took a bite. I turned to her and replied, "Yes, I am watching my weight."

"But shouldn't you not -"

"I'm watching my weight go up."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thekennanator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...

That's probably going to come back to bite me later

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProducerPants
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2017
🚨︎ report
My father, the comedian.

Joke 1:

My sister was talking with my dad about the show β€˜I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ and she went onto ask β€œhow do you accidentally make a person?” And without missing a beat, my father looked her dead in the eye and replied with β€œI accidentally made three.” With the most serious face I’ve seen in my life.

Joke 2:

My sister, dad, and I were in Wal-Mart one day and in passing the toys, we found those circular beanie baby things with the big eyes. So, my ever impressive father grabs a special edition Chewbacca toy, pretend bites it as though it’s an apple, and says β€œHuh, this is a... Little Chewy!”

There’s more, considering he’s a Dad, but those two stand out the most to me.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theashtonjay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2018
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I regret trying to patent a giant boomerang with teeth.

It came back to bite me in a big way.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My daughter did NOT get a visit from the Tooth Fairy last night.

Daughter: "The tooth fairy couldn't find it because it wasn't under my pillow because I found it sticking to my butt this morning."

Me: "So, what you're saying is that your lost tooth came back to bite you in the ass?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickShaw530
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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Didn't realize it was a Dad Joke until too late...

A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"

Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"

Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up into the tree and she's up there and she's pretty safe, but this took a minute and a lot of my energy. So now the bear is only about 15 feet away, and I've still got my skis on, and, you know, back then we didn't have fancy cross country skis, we had these big metal cable bindings and leather lace up boots, so I definitely don't have time to get them off. And I'm so exhausted from dragging this girl across the field and then shoving her up into the tree that I've got almost nothing left, and the first branch is about 8 feet off the ground. But this bear is coming at me and there's nothing I can do but jump for it, so I leap and pull myself up and over the branch using everything I've got right as the bear lunges for me and bites into my ski boot. So here I am, doubled over this branch with a bear's jaws on my foot, my skis on, and not one ounce of energy left, and he's really sinking his teeth in and he's really just pulling my leg just like I'm pulling yours!"

πŸ‘︎ 244
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pipore22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
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Today I accidentally swallowed part of a tooth that broke.

I hope it doesn't end up biting me in the ass.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofspork
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2017
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Dad nearly made me and mom choke on our coffee

Backstory: I had bought a set of nice Nespresso coffee cups for my parents for Christmas (original, I know). But these aren't your standard, chunky, ceramic Christmas mugs with snowflakes or Santas, but actually something for the type of coffee fanatics that spend their money on Clooney's kind of blend, what else?

So - having dessert; cake, coffee, the whole shabang.

Me, inspecting one of said cups: "I'm glad I actually found a set that doesn't stay in the cupboard all year like literally every other mug you've ever gotten from anyone."

Mom, eating cake: "Mm-hmm."

Me: "Like, these are actually really nice. I like the pattern around the base and how they're round and square at the same time."

Mom, between bites: "They're very nice."

Suddenly, Dad, eating his cake completely silently up until this point: "You should take a picture of them. Might make for a pretty cool mugshot."

Cue me barely managing to swallow my coffee, Mom chuckling into her cup and both our subsequent groans

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robowiizard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad and Peter the Python

context: My dad and I have a baby python named peter, and he's been striking at the glass of the cage when you walk near him.  

  me: Peter is such an asshole, just went to check on him and he went to bite me.  

  dad: Well, I called the vet today about him being mean, turns out he has a reptile-dysfunction.  

  me: GROANS

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImTomRS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2015
🚨︎ report
How to fight mosquitoes and crime

Some cities plan to fight mosquitoes by releasing swarms of sterile male mosquitoes, which don't bite, and can reduce future generations of mosquitoes. That's a good idea and I hope it works well.

The governor of Kentucky plans to fight crime by having prayer groups go to high-crime neighborhoods to pray there.

Those two ideas give me an idea for fighting crime even better: Release swarms of praying mantises.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/khv90
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
🚨︎ report
My Father-in-law is a lawyer. He was going on a scuba trip.

We told him to stay safe and make sure he didn't get bitten by a shark. He said "Nah, sharks won't bite me. Professional courtesy"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tullyswimmer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2017
🚨︎ report
A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband texted back: β€œI’m on the toilet, please advise.”

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronh1202
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text...

β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... β€œI am on the toilet. Please advise.”

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a boomerang out of mosquitoes

That will come back to bite me

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon.

I expect that'll come back to bite me.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nayragrets
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I cross-bred a homing pigeon and a crocodile...

I betcha that will come back to bite me

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twin802
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2016
🚨︎ report

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