Swoop Puns

My mom and dad got me a nice pea coat for Christmas.

Me: "wow thanks! This is nice"

Dad: "pea coat, you wouldn't believe the shit coat I got!"

[collective moans]

My daughter shrieked,"Quick dad, show him your cross!"

Without a second thought, I shouted, "YOU LEAVE US ALONE YOU BIG MEAN OLD VAMPIRE!!"

Me: "I guess you could say it was a...cluster duck."

My mom said she was making Indian food tonight, including naan. I asked if she had all the "naan-essentials." She made an angry noise. "Sorry," I said, "was that a naan-sequitor?"

My dad happened to walk in just then. "Punish him!" my mom said to him.

"What? Why?"

"He keeps making puns!" My dad paused for a moment.

"Sounds like he's the one pun-ishing you."

I was working nightshift at McDonalds and a dad and his son wanted some ice cream, chocolate, specifically. The machine wasnt acting right so I interjected and said, "the chocolate ice cream works, it's just acting funny" and the dad swoops in and asks, "does it tell jokes?

One says to the other “Lets go eat our fill in seeds and worms.” They swoop down and do so.

Once all fat and happy they find a spot under a tree with the perfect amount of sun, and bask in the sunlight.

An alley cat rolls in and seeing the two birds. Thinking about how he hasn’t eaten in days, and sees two fat birds in front of him, he creeps up, and gobbles them in one fell swoop.

In the aftermath, he takes their spot in the sun, and as he’s laying down to nap he says “Man... I sure do love Baskin Robins.”

Two crows sitting on a telephone wire outside our window, and a third crow swoops down... "Oh my God it's an attempted murder!"

Nice one, future dad...

The second woman looks to the first woman and asks what they should do?

"God will save us" she says.

The two women sit there for a while and watch the water continue to rise. Eventually a rescue team in a rubber dinghy turn up.

"Jump on" says the rescuer. The second woman quickly jumps into the dinghy. The first woman looks annoyed and states bluntly that "God will save me". The rescuer shakes his head and drives off.

A few hours go by and the rain begins falling harder and harder. The entire house aside from the roof is submerged.

She hears the sound of a helicopter before she sees it. The helicopter hovers above and throws down a rope ladder.

"Climb up!" Shouts the rescuer.

The woman shakes her head refusing to move "No, god will save me".

The rescuer shakes his head and the helicopter flies off.

Time passes by and the water is now up to the top of the roof. She hears an aeroplane swoop in low overhead, dropping life jackets along the street for anyone left behind.

"No" she shakes her head "God will save me!"

The inevitable happens and after she drowns the storms into heaven upset. "God! Why didn't you save me?"

He looks to her and rolls his eyes. "Well I sent a boat, a helicopter and a life jacket what else do you want me to do?"

At breakfast this morning: Dad: I was reading New Scientist, and they were looking into how crows can survive swooping in front of vehicles. Apparently they use a sentry, while another swoops in to collect the roadkill.

Me: Oh, that's pretty cool

Dad: Yeah, but they don't dodge trucks.

Me: Why's that?

Dad: well, when the sentry see the car it goes "Caaarrr, caaarrr!". But they can't say truck if they see one.

Today in the car with my dad we were talking about each others days. He was telling me about how he watched a bird swoop upon a cat.

"So this cat's being swooped and it's completely nonplussed...more like nonpussed hehe"