Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
"Ladies and Gentlemen" he yells!! "This is not a drill."
Me: Why?
Wife: I don't want to drive im-pear-ed!
Not even if it's a boning knife.
He didn't know where to turn, before things went south.
My answer is always the same: Because.
If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc
Say “ah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?
Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.
The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.
“4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”
Immanuel Kan't.
Bazooka with bazongas. (I blame my 12yr old son for this)
They must be plotting something
Well dam..
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"
The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.
"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.
Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.
A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"
The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.
Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.
He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."
She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"
He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."
Of course it is, Kayleigh. She was born two days ago!
Mountain climbing with friends is hard.
But it was for the grater good
I told him "I'm generally managing"
unless the glass is slippery
I see/saw sea saw on a seesaw, with an icy saw
Whenever asked about this, he would boldly proclaim that he “was not throwing away his snot”.
Slap them and say "Here's your change"
Needless to say, he got sucker punched
At least the both have something "in" common.
He stabbed me with it and all I could think was damn, that cheddar is sharp.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
Police are reporting that it was Baskin-Robbins.
Pretty sure he was plotting something...
She said "yeah, but don't you think you should pick on someone your own size?"
I was between The Rock and a hard Plaice
"Which one?!?!?!"
“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”
I'd call it "statue of limitations".
He was behind The Times.
A Bolsheviking.
"This tree isn't of great koalaty"
Credit to u/poopellar
DAD: Those are tweakers, hon. They're either speed dating or just mething around.
MOM: I don't know why I married you.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
... I thought, that makes sense, it’s a swordfish, they’re good at fencing.
"Sense us."
Cat : You're one short buddy
She's definitely plotting something.
I pleaded, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
