My son asked me if he should take 120k in loans for an Egyptology degree.
I told him don't even sphinx about it
My friend wanted me to take her to seafood for dinner
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
Why does it take forever for pirates to learn the alphabet?
Because pirates can spend years at C.
Why did it take so long for the chicken to cross the road?
There was no eggs-press lane!
What kind of tree nut is best to take out on the boat for an all day fishing trip?
A Pecan
but only if you pronounce it "pee can"
I want to push you around, yeah I will. I want to push you down, yeah I will. I want to take you for granite, yeah yeah yeah...
Rob Thomas volunteers to help the wheel chair bound elderly remodel their kitchen.
What do you call it when a Mexican man takes medicines for his anxiety
Hispanic attacks his panic attacks
If you wanted to take a bunch of bullets and forge them into a sword fit for a king what Caliber would you use?
Why won't Rick Astly ever take his girlfriend out for an ice cream date?
Cuz he'll never dessert you...
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
I told my wife that I would never take her for granite.
Though, I probably would for marble.
Son: “I’m gonna take the dog for a walk”
Dad: “ok great. Collar. Leash.”
Son: “no dad. Call her sparky!”
So proud of my son for coming up with this on the spur of the moment!
Take responsibility for your actions.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
I work at the mall as Santa Claus during Christmas. I'm wearing the costume for most of the day, but sometimes my colleague takes my place while I take a break
I'm the main Claus and he's my subordinate Claus.
I had to take dad shopping for pants....
When asked how they fit he replied: "like a cheaply made castle, no ballroom".
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
The best advice my dad ever gave me: if ever you are desperately searching for something, make sure to take an apple with you.
That way, your search cannot be fruitless.
I got arrested for forgetting to take out my wallet before washing my pants.
I was charged with money laundering.
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
What does Buzz Lightyear take for allergies?
When an Amazon employee takes maternity leave, are they out for delivery?
Might not be the appropriate place for this, but here is a bold take
Murray Christmas Everyone!!! (Side note- I don't take credit for this, but it's too great not to share)
Sometimes we take game spin-offs for grant-ed
Did you hear about the three year old arrested for refusing to take a nap?
I have always wanted to take selfies for a living.
I can picture myself doing it!
What do plants take for their headaches?
Why did it take so long for the USSR to collapse?
I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him
That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog
Don’t take this igneous sediment for Granite
When Hurricane Dorian hits Florida, I'm going to check out my window for the clouds to get really grey. When they're at peak greyness I'll take a picture. That way Ill always have The Picture of Dorian Grey.
I had to call the cops on my son for refusing to take a nap.
A man takes his wife to an unusual restaurant where you must stand in separate lines for each food item ...
As they sit down, the husband offers to go get their dinner. First he waits in line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. He he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and even the gravy line.
He finally returns to the table with two heaping plates of food. “What would you like to drink?” he asks.
“A glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So off he goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, a line for milk, even a line for water. After considering all of his options he gives up and returns to the table empty-handed.
Sometimes there is no punch line.
Why did he come home looking depressed after the doctor said he needed to take a pill everyday for the rest of his life?
The Doctor only gave him 4!...
Would you take your loved one for treatment hear?
Scientists and programmers have gotten together to write computer code that will not only warn of future global warming but also take credit for inventing the internet.
It's an new Al-Gore-rithm
When I was 10 my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That was when I realized he was her
favorite twin, not me.
My son got sent to jail for refusing to take a nap
Trivia question! How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
It takes 5 minutes for me to walk to the pub and 35 minutes to walk back
The difference is staggering
I wanted to cook chicken for dinner, but I forgot to take it out of the freezer ahead of time.
It wasn’t a well thawed out plan.
Geologists often take things for granite.
It’s surprising how often we take countertops for...
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