During the Olympics, I met a European man holding 2 large sticks.

I asked him "Are you by any chance a pole- vaulter?"

He looked surprised "Nein, I'm German, but how did you know my name vas Valter?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call masses and accelerations holding firearms?

Armed forces

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/minimikjr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not a romantic gesture...

Maybe, they just want each other to shut the fcuk up.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Saw a photo of a shack that had bailing twine holding the walls up

I gotta say, it really tied the room together...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vin135mm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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I got into a fight with my Mexican neighbor and he started to make train noises while holding a gun

He said "I'm going to choo choo"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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A man walks into a bakery holding a crab

The man approaches a baker and says "excuse me, do you serve crab cakes here?"

The baker replies "no, we do not."

Saddened, the man lifts up the crab and says "what a shame... it's his cake day."

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patentpunk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I caught a man trying to break into my house last night. He was wearing football pads, swimming trunks, ice skates and holding a baseball bat.

I said, β€œOi, what’s your game?”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adfunk101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
A man is walking down the street holding a bag of pasta upside down...

And then the penne dropped.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.

I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.

She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar holding jumper cables

The bartender goes: "Don't start anything here"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qarasaq
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Got offered a voice-acting role in the new Emoji movie sequel. They want me to play the Poop Emoji. People say I should accept the role and be grateful, but I’m holding out for a classier part...

...I will not be deterred!!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I inherited my dad's collection of shallow flat receptacles with a raised edge, used for carrying, holding, or displaying articles.

I feel betrayed.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a post about a teen holding his own heart in his hands after a heart transplant, I thought these comments belonged here
πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FireNationed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar holding a hammer over his head.

"Ladies and Gentlemen" he yells!! "This is not a drill."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
She said "Why are you holding that ugly great bee?" and I said "It's not ugly to me"

Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gil-Gandel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife holding up "Prickly Pear Margarita": looks like I'm not driving...

Me: Why?

Wife: I don't want to drive im-pear-ed!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
There's no justification for holding a knife while flirting

Not even if it's a boning knife.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedArmyBushMan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was just attacked by someone holding a compass

He didn't know where to turn, before things went south.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IJustJason
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How many hands am I holding up?

If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc

Say β€œah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?

Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.

The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.

β€œ4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuskIsAlien
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Always being asked why I'm holding two plastic drinking cups.

My answer is always the same: Because.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capedpotatoes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: β€œsir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied β€œoh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a busty woman holding a bazooka?

Bazooka with bazongas. (I blame my 12yr old son for this)

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueBand1t
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm holding a 17th Century Party, and all the Enlightenment thinkers can swing by - except one.

Immanuel Kan't.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Supah_Cole
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

πŸ‘︎ 248
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone asked me to name two water holding structures

Well dam..

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kartik-rao
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t you trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?

They must be plotting something

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDiamoneMinor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.

I replied β€œcan I at least Taekwondo?”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forkingbread
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Sister in law was holding my baby but was talking about her onesie. β€œIs this a newborn”?

Of course it is, Kayleigh. She was born two days ago!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KINGWeeeWeeee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally cut ties with a person that was holding me back

Mountain climbing with friends is hard.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Last week I was on the edge of a cliff, holding on to a box full of shredded cheese. I loved that box, but I knew I had to let it go. I didn’t want to...

But it was for the grater good

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say when you see / had seen a pirate version of saw holding a frozen buzzsaw on a piece of playground equipment?

I see/saw sea saw on a seesaw, with an icy saw

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I have no trouble holding my alcohol

unless the glass is slippery

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Little-known fact about Alexander Hamilton: he was prone to holding on to his old handkerchiefs, even when they became used and soiled.

Whenever asked about this, he would boldly proclaim that he β€œwas not throwing away his snot”.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hustler-Two
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I was sitting at home the other day when man broke in holding a block of cheese.

He stabbed me with it and all I could think was damn, that cheddar is sharp.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doughboy9419
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A car's weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokesig
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
🚨︎ report
If you ask for a high five while holding up both hands and they hit both...

Slap them and say "Here's your change"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carpe_Noctum42
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled...

Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Light_bulbnz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Somebody tries fighting me while I was holding lollipop

Needless to say, he got sucker punched

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DingusTickler007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say

At least the both have something "in" common.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoiSINNEDsoul73
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I called 911 on a guy because he was holding graph paper.

Pretty sure he was plotting something...

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The head of Big Cat Rescue and the female antagonist in the hit Netflix documentary has been arrested after holding up an ice cream shop.

Police are reporting that it was Baskin-Robbins.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cashmag3001
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .

β€œDad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife dad joked me. As she was holding our crying son I said "I can take him"

She said "yeah, but don't you think you should pick on someone your own size?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeyArnoldPalmer2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I was queuing up to get into the supermarket yesterday. Dwayne Johnson was in front of me. Behind me was a fish holding the trolley above his head!

I was between The Rock and a hard Plaice

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyryoonake
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper?

She's definitely plotting something.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?

Beauty.

Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

πŸ‘︎ 201
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sayinbud
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.

I said, β€œCan I at least Taekwondo?”

πŸ‘︎ 452
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts, but when I asked if I could take two, he said no...

I pleaded, β€œCan I at least Taekwondo?”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report

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