My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
Give me your best duck puns
I live for them, they quack me up. Give me what y'all got >:)
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
When life gives you melons
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
Why don’t crabs give to charity?
Because they are shellfish
If you give a man named Rick a pat on the back
Why did Mary give birth in a manger?
Cause God wanted His Son raised in a...stable environment.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
She gives birth at the hospital entrance.
Why did Bilbo Baggins not want to give up the ring?
It was a force of hobbit.
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
When a cow gives birth
Then it’s de-calf-inated.
I asked the barber to replace most of what the last barber did, make it three times longer, and give it three parts.
He said “oh, you want the Snyder Cut”.
What do you call rocks that give bad advice?
A doctor was teaching a class, and wanted to give a pop quiz about tolerance and observance when dealing with the cadavers. (L) (On Mobile)
Teacher: “So I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”
The teacher has everyone turn their body over
Teacher: “Now I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”
all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first
Teacher: “Okay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”
The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked
As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, “now see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.
With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a rum..............and coke."
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them"
Let me give you a bit of advice....
When people tell me I'm good at the theremin, I have to give credit to my wife.
She also likes it when I don't touch her.
Found this on r/cursedcomments - the post (by u/Atom596 ) was removed for some reason so I couldn't crosspost but wanted to give the op credit
I told me my doctor I didn’t want her to give me stitches.
She said “fine, suture self.”
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
well, you know what they say... when life gives you melons...
You’re probably dislexic.
If you give a man a fish, you feed him for the day.
If you give a man a poisoned fish, you feed him for his lifetime.
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
Atleast that's what she said in her diary.
How do whales give birth?
Met a suspicious guy in a graveyard trying to give me a watch.
The fact a body was attached to it made it a dead giveaway.
I give out drivers licenses for snow plows
Planting wheat always gives me a headache.
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, “Two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. “What did they look like?” He replied...
Why did the teenager give a shoe with wheels a math test?
Because he wanted to make a skate bored!
What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?
Why do referees in professional rugby always give penalties against chickens?
Because they always award against professional fowls.
I told the cop, “You can’t give me a ticket. I’m running a marathon tomorrow.”
The cop said, “Sir, that’s not how you play the race card.”
Did you hear about the seafood restaurant that will give you calamari in exchange for money?
They practice squid pro quo.
You can always give punk rock bands constructive criticism...
They appreciate feedback.
Vitamin D gives me so much energy...
It should really be called Vitamin A+!
A big bear goes into a bar and slaps down a $20 bill and says to the bartender,"give me a gin and................tonic"
The bartender replies, "Why the big paws?"
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
Why don’t crabs give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
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