Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Special moment: giving my sun his first bath.
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︎ Jan 22 2021
I considered giving up my honey business and joining a cult
But I'm just not a bee leaver.
Edit: Thank you for the award, friend!!!!
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︎ Jan 10 2021
My wife rang me at the pub and said, βIf youβre not home in 10 minutes, Iβm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.β I was home in 5 minutes.
Iβd hate for anything to happen to the dog.
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︎ Sep 06 2020
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if sheβd had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, βSo youβre de-Claritin that youβve had it already?β
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︎ Jan 17 2021
I need help following up with this pun, this is a video about a scientist giving a lecture about fire, I canβt think of any more other than pun-ch line
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Iβm giving up being an electrician.
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︎ Dec 18 2020
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.
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︎ Jul 08 2020
Santa Claus announced that heβs giving everyone the same gardening tool for Christmas.
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︎ Dec 06 2020
How do you pay someone that is giving you a circumcision?
Tell emβ to keep the tip.
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︎ Dec 09 2020
My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused!
I just couldn't accept all those perms and conditions!
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︎ Dec 09 2020
I am giving up drinking for a month.
Sorry, that came out wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
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︎ Oct 03 2020
iβm giving up masturbating for an entire month
sorry, poor punctuation.
iβm giving up! masturbating for an entire month.
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︎ Oct 09 2020
Iβm giving up drinking till Christmas.
Sorry, forgot punctuation.
Iβm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.
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︎ Nov 04 2020
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
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︎ Oct 07 2020
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo
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︎ Oct 19 2020
I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage, son.
You'll need something to play with.
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︎ Oct 16 2020
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know sheβd never driven a bus before?
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︎ Oct 15 2020
I've started giving things Arabic names for the fun of it.
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︎ Oct 16 2020
Think I'm giving Halloween a miss this year...
After all, I've been munching sweeta and wearing a mask since March.
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︎ Oct 24 2020
I showed a picture of a sheep giving birth to some kids and asked if they knew what animal it was.
They all said, βEwwww.β
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︎ Sep 02 2020
A local supermarket was giving away 100% free face masks
But there were no strings attached.
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︎ Aug 26 2020
My neighbor was giving away batteries
They were free of charge.
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︎ Aug 11 2020
I accidentally trod on a beaker of acid while giving a talk about work safety...
After that I didnt have a leg to stand on
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︎ Oct 06 2020
Tennis player Sampras needed rice wine and sent me to buy a bottle without giving me cash...
For Pete's sake, I guess he wants me to pay for it myself!
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︎ Sep 29 2020
TIFU giving money to Ninja instead of CallMeCarson.
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︎ Oct 02 2020
A Korean martial artist was giving away chocolate bars. I asked if I could have 2. He said...
"No. You can taek-won-do."
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︎ Jul 29 2020
I passed a guy giving away watches on the street.
He must have a lot of free time on his hands.
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︎ Jun 29 2020
I just learned that they're giving away soda in the Swiss mountains.
Apparently there's a guy up there just shouting, "Freeeee Colaaaaa"
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︎ Sep 02 2020
What did James Bondβs mom say as she was giving birth?
Iβve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
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︎ Jun 15 2020
Since quarantine started, Iβve decided to dedicate myself to giving to Charity.
Iβm pretty sure thatβs not her real name but she sure does like those dollar bills.
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︎ Sep 04 2020
Four men are sitting in a hospital waiting room because their wives are all giving birth,
A nurse comes up to the first man and says, βCongratulations! You are the proud father of a pair of twins!β
βThatβs funny...β the man said, βI work for Twin Peaks!β
Another nurse comes into the room and goes to the second man and says, βCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to triplets!β
βThatβs funny...β the second man said, β I work for the 3M company!β
Yet another nurse comes into the room and says to the third man, βCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to quadruplets!β
βThatβs so funny...β said the third man, βI work at the Four Seasons Hotel!β
The last man is groaning and whining in obvious agony, βWhatβs wrong?β the other men ask.
βI work at Seven Eleven.β He replied.
Happy Fathers Day!
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︎ Jun 21 2020
My optometrist was sued for giving bad prescriptions.
When asked about the lawsuit, he claimed he "never saw it coming".
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︎ Aug 10 2020
While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness.
The doctor called in the womanβs brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.
When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious.
She said βOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?β
The doctors replied βWell, the girlβs name is Denise!β
βOh, thatβs not so bad! And the boy?β
βDenephewβ
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︎ Jun 12 2020
Somebody was giving me a synopsis of their fan fic that includes a killer clown, a talking dog, and a flying house and at the end they said
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︎ Jun 27 2020
My girlfriend tried giving me some flatfish last night instead of cod!
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︎ Aug 06 2020
A total dad joke I made up last night- What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?
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︎ Apr 26 2020
It's so hot outside that my cow started giving powdered milk
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︎ Aug 11 2020
A wizard dad became concerned that whenever his son went to the bathroom, he wasn't giving himself privacy.
One day, the dad went to use the bathroom, thinking it was unused. There was a loud crash and he sighed, staring down at the scattered mess on the floor.
"Please, son," he said, "will you quit leaving the door a jar?"
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︎ Jul 29 2020
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chefβs squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.
I guess you could say Remy is Linguiniβs voice of season
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︎ Jul 11 2020
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
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︎ May 09 2020
I remember my father giving me some sound advice on his deathbed.
He said "It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers."
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︎ Jun 07 2020
The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
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︎ Mar 08 2020
"Back so soon? I thought you went for a haircut, dad?" asked my son. "Well..." I replied. "My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused."
"I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions."
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︎ Jul 31 2020
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
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︎ Mar 16 2020
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