Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"

"That's M'Shell on my back!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chainsmoker88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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Special moment: giving my sun his first bath.
πŸ‘︎ 226
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdofras
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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I considered giving up my honey business and joining a cult

But I'm just not a bee leaver.

Edit: Thank you for the award, friend!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cobclob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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My wife rang me at the pub and said, β€œIf you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.

My daughter said yes, and I replied, β€œSo you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I need help following up with this pun, this is a video about a scientist giving a lecture about fire, I can’t think of any more other than pun-ch line
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Huiplayshd1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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I’m giving up being an electrician.

I just conduit anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NRGFalcon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.

Sorry, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinner_cat96
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Santa Claus announced that he’s giving everyone the same gardening tool for Christmas.

Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stchrysostom
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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How do you pay someone that is giving you a circumcision?

Tell em’ to keep the tip.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wonkagloop
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused!

I just couldn't accept all those perms and conditions!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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I am giving up drinking for a month.

Sorry, that came out wrong.

I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trace826621
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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i’m giving up masturbating for an entire month

sorry, poor punctuation.

i’m giving up! masturbating for an entire month.

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mferrari24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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I’m giving up drinking till Christmas.

Sorry, forgot punctuation.

I’m giving up. Drinking till Christmas.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aayan_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!

For now, they're just cell mates.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7_Pillars
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.

So we did it squid pro quo

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage, son.

You'll need something to play with.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Albus_Veritas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...

How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I've started giving things Arabic names for the fun of it.

That's just Mahmud.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/impromptu_defect
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Think I'm giving Halloween a miss this year...

After all, I've been munching sweeta and wearing a mask since March.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I showed a picture of a sheep giving birth to some kids and asked if they knew what animal it was.

They all said, β€œEwwww.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chknwngs999
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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A local supermarket was giving away 100% free face masks

But there were no strings attached.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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My neighbor was giving away batteries

They were free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mycorona69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I accidentally trod on a beaker of acid while giving a talk about work safety...

After that I didnt have a leg to stand on

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S0n0fRuss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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Tennis player Sampras needed rice wine and sent me to buy a bottle without giving me cash...

For Pete's sake, I guess he wants me to pay for it myself!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
TIFU giving money to Ninja instead of CallMeCarson.

Sorry, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinner_cat96
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A Korean martial artist was giving away chocolate bars. I asked if I could have 2. He said...

"No. You can taek-won-do."

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VentilatedEgg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I passed a guy giving away watches on the street.

He must have a lot of free time on his hands.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/morsodo99
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I just learned that they're giving away soda in the Swiss mountains.

Apparently there's a guy up there just shouting, "Freeeee Colaaaaa"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roshamjoe_paints
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?

I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Since quarantine started, I’ve decided to dedicate myself to giving to Charity.

I’m pretty sure that’s not her real name but she sure does like those dollar bills.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthLukas71
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Four men are sitting in a hospital waiting room because their wives are all giving birth,

A nurse comes up to the first man and says, β€œCongratulations! You are the proud father of a pair of twins!”

β€œThat’s funny...” the man said, β€œI work for Twin Peaks!”

Another nurse comes into the room and goes to the second man and says, β€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to triplets!”

β€œThat’s funny...” the second man said, β€œ I work for the 3M company!”

Yet another nurse comes into the room and says to the third man, β€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to quadruplets!”

β€œThat’s so funny...” said the third man, β€œI work at the Four Seasons Hotel!”

The last man is groaning and whining in obvious agony, β€œWhat’s wrong?” the other men ask.

β€œI work at Seven Eleven.” He replied.

Happy Fathers Day!

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NighTraiN7804
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My optometrist was sued for giving bad prescriptions.

When asked about the lawsuit, he claimed he "never saw it coming".

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness.

The doctor called in the woman’s brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.

When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said β€œOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?” The doctors replied β€œWell, the girl’s name is Denise!” β€œOh, that’s not so bad! And the boy?” β€œDenephew”

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Somebody was giving me a synopsis of their fan fic that includes a killer clown, a talking dog, and a flying house and at the end they said

"that about sums it-up"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wtflagnard
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend tried giving me some flatfish last night instead of cod!

Know your plaice woman!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A total dad joke I made up last night- What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?

An Incommunicado

Eh?!

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mdooles11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
It's so hot outside that my cow started giving powdered milk

It's udderly terrible

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jurica1306
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A wizard dad became concerned that whenever his son went to the bathroom, he wasn't giving himself privacy.

One day, the dad went to use the bathroom, thinking it was unused. There was a loud crash and he sighed, staring down at the scattered mess on the floor.

"Please, son," he said, "will you quit leaving the door a jar?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chef’s squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.

I guess you could say Remy is Linguini’s voice of season

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday

I don't know what to make of it

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I remember my father giving me some sound advice on his deathbed.

He said "It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.

I might go take a gander.

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
"Back so soon? I thought you went for a haircut, dad?" asked my son. "Well..." I replied. "My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused."

"I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I am giving up drinking for a month

Sorry that came out wrong.

I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/purelibran
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report

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