"Some foods give me sleepless nights," I told my wife.
"Like what?" she asked.
"Brussels Sprouts."
"But you don't eat Brussels Sprouts."
"No," I said, "but you do."
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, “Two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. “What did they look like?” He replied...
Give me some feedback- I'm all b-ears
Girl: I need a break, give me some space...
Boy: Okay, what's your Volume?
I just called a landscape gardener round to give me a quote for some astroturf..
He said he couldn't do it because my garden is portrait.
My dad was telling me about his doctor’s appointment today. He needed to get some vaccines, but because of Covid he would have to go to the office and they would give them to him in his car.
He said he was going to be involved in a drive by shooting.
Let me give you some background here...
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” “Ten…” the doctor says slowly.
“Nine... eight… seven...”
Some nice wood in my mouth always gives me a buzz...
A rich patient told his doctor that money was no problem: "Please give me some good news." "Okay then," said the physician...
"But I'll have to tell that to your widow."
Guys give me some good KNEE puns. Yes, i am In-Knee-ciating, this because i really knee-d it
Guys I'm making a presentation about iron deficiency anemia, can you guys give me some puns related to it?
You guys and gals are awesome!
Me: Dad, can you give me some advice? Dad: Sure, if your gonna bet a nut on something, always bet your right nut
Me: Okayyyy....but why?
Dad: Because if you bet the other one you wont have any left.
My boss asked me to make some kind of visual indicator so people know when he wants to give them a job to do.
Crime is getting worse where I live, so my dad decided to give me some protection and boxed up his trusty 9mm, a big and a small clip and a bunch of shells for me! [Xpost /r/funny]
https://imgur.com/2ylrnpK
I asked my dad if he'd give me some feedback on the newest song I was writing.
He took the guitar from my hands, leaned it on the front of my amp and left the room.
Just met Henry Winkler! He asked me for $20 and said if I get three people to give me $20, I'll make my money back and then some...
Sounds like a typical Fonzie Scheme
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