People say puns are just bad dad jokes.
I don't think that could be father from the truth.
Delighted to say I've finally got a new job installing mirrors!
Nothing fancy, but was something I could always see myself doing.
My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.
What did the Doctor say to the constipated detective?
My therapist says that I second guess every decision that I ever make.
What did the farmer say when all of his haystacks were stolen?
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says I’m a man, everybody I know says I’m a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family
Legend says , he is still 0K.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"Damn that was a hard drive."
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Love me love me, say that chu love me
What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant … dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, DEAD ANNNNT!
My friend tony asked me not to say his name backwards
What do you say to warn your family you're about to test a new dad joke on them?
Wood you say my dog is ok?
You know it's a great dadjoke when you say something and your family groans, but the stranger dad behind you laughs.
I was out looking at beds with the family.
Wife: "I really like this bed."
Me: "I like it too, but I think this one is bedder."
And all the girlies say I’m
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"
"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
What did the tectonic plate say after bumping into another tectonic plate?
My 8 year old just told me this one.. What does the minister say when you marry a computer?
I now pronounce you man and wifi.
What does the plumber say to their child after lecturing them?
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other?
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says .....
A woman walks into a bar. “I’ll have an entendre,” she says to the bartender. “Make it a double.”
Ima start spelling weed oui’d cos I can’t say no to it
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
I say ‘Mucho’ to every Spanish person I meet...
Apparently it means a lot to them.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that little thing?
What does it say on Stephen Hawkin’s tombstone?
Two horses in a field, one says to the other “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse’
What did Blackbeard say when he turned 80?
My 11 year old shared a cool joke. He says...
"I just bought a fridge magnet.... So far I have 14 fridges!"
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
Wife: "My Gynecologist says I can't have sex for 2 weeks."
Husband: "What did the Dentist say?"
I would like to say a joke on construction
What did Edgar Allan Poe's friends say when he was about to crash into a tree?
What did the French cat say when it wanted to go outside?
What did the hacker say in the Sex Ed class?
What did the penguin's lawyer say?
"Your honor, my client is CLEARLY not a flight risk."
“Just say no to drugs!”
Well if I’m talking to drugs, I’ve probably already said yes.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
My wife says I'm useless at fixing electrical appliances.
Well, she's in for a shock .
(9 year old daughter tells me) What does a Dalmatian say after it eats dinner?
What did the stressed out carpenter say about his broken saw?