Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

πŸ‘︎ 24k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amalgamxtc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says I’m a man, everybody I know says I’m a man...

and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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Ima start spelling weed oui’d cos I can’t say no to it
πŸ‘︎ 381
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shpam-
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"

"That's M'Shell on my back!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chainsmoker88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.

Because they dilate.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.

But will she leave me ?

Find out next week.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

πŸ‘︎ 801
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What did one boob say to another ?

If we don’t get support, they’ll think we’re nuts

πŸ‘︎ 534
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedMusical
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.

I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says

β€œI can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm..one turns to the other and says β€œwhat’s your favorite kind of music?”

He replied β€œI’m a big metal fan!”

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maniamadd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine...

πŸ‘︎ 167
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πŸ‘€︎ u/enragedzebra13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What Did Yoda Say When He Saw Himself in 4K?

HDMI

πŸ‘︎ 209
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnonymousCoward50
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

β€œI play a little guitar!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
One astronaut says to another β€œI can’t find any milk for my coffee”

The other astronaut replies β€œIn space no one can, here use cream”

πŸ‘︎ 283
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?

Cool Ranch.

πŸ‘︎ 234
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.

...it’s a matter of wife or death.

πŸ‘︎ 541
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joepopp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Indian kid say to his mother before he left the house?

Mumbai.

πŸ‘︎ 234
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iOSSwiftDeveloper
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What's something you should never say to a blind girlfriend?

I think we should see other people.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirCompliments
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?

Nothing he was gladiator.

πŸ‘︎ 539
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthewendigo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, β€œDoctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”

The doctor looks at him and says, β€œSorry, I don’t follow you."

πŸ‘︎ 796
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What did sine and cos say to each other?

Nothing. They just waved.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the spanish boy say to his dad when he was leaving for the city?

Ciudad

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fakipo2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the dad say to his son when he became afraid of the full moon?

"Don't worry! It's just a phase it's going through!"

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?

"AYE MATEY."

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What did one eye say to the other eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imnotadumbguy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the man say when he found out the milk man was sleeping with his wife?

How dairy!

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tendiemancan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the electrician say to calm down?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TechnoGamer16
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do British people say they’re β€œbri’ish”?

Because they drank the T

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eThunderSnow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the cake say to the fork?

You want a piece of me!?

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mcab00
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the tree say to his tree girlfriend

I wood do anything for you

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mewzickk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!!!

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisguyinca
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Thought I heard someone say β€œHello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plumsby
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says

"Can I join you?"?

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manantyagi25
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Next time you go to the eye doctor say its nice to see you again
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swarly1999
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
All my hispanic friends love it when I say β€œmucho.”

It means a lot to them.

πŸ‘︎ 310
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Steve_McGuilicuty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What did one fish say to the other fish?

How should I know? I dont speak fish

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ausmedic80
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
You can't not say it

In a freak accident today,a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair,the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frudedude
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What did Snoop Dogg say when asked to leave a yoga class?

Nah, im'ma stay

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeathMetalPanties
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I guess you could say I was destined to be a dermatologist.

Hello. I'm Dr. Lance Boyle.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logansworth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
If you say Awomen after Amen,

you’re Amoron...

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luis-Pereda
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says

Is this stool taken?

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisDiff
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.

"Bargain" the man says.

"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/giftfrom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
TIL the meaning when someone says "Break a leg."

They're hoping you're gonna be in a cast.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoxyCamoCat738
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aperiogon3141
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the gardener say to the two men who were fighting?

Its thyme to stop.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charmandernews
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 1080p?

H.D.M.I

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lipisko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Mars rover say after it landed?

Rock and roll!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuzet
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the janitor say

"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurnoverOver
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report

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