Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says I’m a man, everybody I know says I’m a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family
Ima start spelling weed oui’d cos I can’t say no to it
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
What did one boob say to another ?
If we don’t get support, they’ll think we’re nuts
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm..one turns to the other and says “what’s your favorite kind of music?”
He replied “I’m a big metal fan!”
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine...
What Did Yoda Say When He Saw Himself in 4K?
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
One astronaut says to another “I can’t find any milk for my coffee”
The other astronaut replies “In space no one can, here use cream”
What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.
...it’s a matter of wife or death.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother before he left the house?
What's something you should never say to a blind girlfriend?
I think we should see other people.
What did the Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing he was gladiator.
A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."
What did sine and cos say to each other?
Nothing. They just waved.
What did the spanish boy say to his dad when he was leaving for the city?
What did the dad say to his son when he became afraid of the full moon?
"Don't worry! It's just a phase it's going through!"
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What did the man say when he found out the milk man was sleeping with his wife?
What did the electrician say to calm down?
Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Why do British people say they’re “bri’ish”?
What did the cake say to the fork?
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.
What did the tree say to his tree girlfriend
I wood do anything for you
What did the zero say to the eight?
Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic
But it was a false Salaam.
A SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says
Next time you go to the eye doctor say its nice to see you again
All my hispanic friends love it when I say “mucho.”
What did one fish say to the other fish?
How should I know? I dont speak fish
You can't not say it
In a freak accident today,a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair,the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
What did Snoop Dogg say when asked to leave a yoga class?
I guess you could say I was destined to be a dermatologist.
Hello. I'm Dr. Lance Boyle.
If you say Awomen after Amen,
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
TIL the meaning when someone says "Break a leg."
They're hoping you're gonna be in a cast.
What did the gardener say to the two men who were fighting?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 1080p?
What did the Mars rover say after it landed?
What did the janitor say
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
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