People say puns are just bad dad jokes.
I don't think that could be father from the truth.
My therapist says that I second guess every decision that I ever make.
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
Legend says , he is still 0K.
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says I’m a man, everybody I know says I’m a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family
What do you say to warn your family you're about to test a new dad joke on them?
You know it's a great dadjoke when you say something and your family groans, but the stranger dad behind you laughs.
I was out looking at beds with the family.
Wife: "I really like this bed."
Me: "I like it too, but I think this one is bedder."
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"
"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that little thing?
Ima start spelling weed oui’d cos I can’t say no to it
Two horses in a field, one says to the other “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse’
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
Wife: "My Gynecologist says I can't have sex for 2 weeks."
Husband: "What did the Dentist say?"
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
I told him, “No it doesn’t!”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
What did one boob say to another ?
If we don’t get support, they’ll think we’re nuts
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
People say I’m a plagiarist.
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
Why did the one FBI agent say to the other?
>!This post has been removed for security reasons!<
What did Curt Cobain say when he opened a 13 year old bottle of vodka?
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
My wife says I have two flaws
I don’t listen and then something else
What did one butt cheek say to the other one?
"If we keep it together, we can stop this shit!"
Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm..one turns to the other and says “what’s your favorite kind of music?”
He replied “I’m a big metal fan!”
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine...
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing his own incision?
What would you say about someone who likes automobiles, writing instruments, and forests?
That they’re in to carpentry!
What Did Yoda Say When He Saw Himself in 4K?
What did the movie director say before shooting a dangerous stunt scene?
It’s a take I’m willing to risk.
What did one wall say to the other?
What did God say after performing the immaculate conception?
One astronaut says to another “I can’t find any milk for my coffee”
The other astronaut replies “In space no one can, here use cream”
What did the shoes say to the pants?
What did zero say to eight?
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...
...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
What did the DJ say to the farmer?
Lettuce turnip our beets!
What did the bear say to her date?
I'll be down in a minute I'm bearly dressed
Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say "I sit down when I pee"
Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"
What did the rowdy guy in the yoga class say when the instructor asked him to leave?
What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
What did the negatively charged chlorine atom say when uranium tried to take its electron?
What did the scale say to the person?
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
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