My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: βSure, my door is always open.β
π︎ 21k
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
What was everyone saying about the photographer who got the prosthetic foot?
They got some new faux-toes
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
My grandpa trusted no one. He even had a favourite saying about it.
But he wouldnβt tell me.
π︎ 23
π
︎ May 21 2020
Our toddler was complaining about the music on the radio, saying she didnβt like it.
I told her you need to listen to The Rolling Stones because you canβt always get what you want.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 19 2020
I was complaining about being pregnant, saying I felt like I would be pregnant for all eternity.
To which my dad replied, "You mean all maternity?"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 20 2019
SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying Iβm fat?β
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 10 2019
Two bookends gossiped to each other about the book in the middle saying...
...he's so shelf-centered.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 21 2019
I was telling my friend about locomotives, when i forgot what i was saying
I lost my train of thought
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 11 2019
My friend insists on saying jokes about bananas.
I donβt find it appealing.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 18 2019
I saw a pair of midgets arguing in the kitchen and it made me think about that old saying...
Two mini cooks spoil the broth.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 09 2019
This guy was making some remarks about my hearing aid, but I couldn't be sure what exactly he was saying.
Thankfully the doctor was there and he spoke up for me.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 09 2019
Friend was complaining about her partner teacher at school, saying, "She has been in year 3 for 2 years already, this is her third...she is just being lazy"
I thought it was a bit harsh to hold a 6 year old back for 3 years.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 28 2019
My fiancΓ© is possibly going to give birth today and for months sheβs been saying and dreaming about giving birth today.
I just hope it isnβt today, because otherwise thatβs another thing sheβs right about.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 31 2018
All these sayings about "when life gives you lemons," but what about when life gives you problimes?
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 15 2017
I was saying something about an old friend of mine named Robert, who has an underbite
Dad; Oh Robert, He's the one that drowns when it rains right?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 09 2014
Wife says I wonβt get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
π︎ 24k
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
What did the tomato say to the person who was about to eat him?
I hate you from my head to-ma-toes.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
What did the cowboy say about the missing cattle?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
What did the new crematorium say about the grave digger?
Iβm about to ruin this manβs hole career.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
What did the tree say to his buddy, who was about to get in a fight?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
What is something witches can say about themselves that most americans can not?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
Say what you want about want about waitresses....
....but they do bring a lot to the table.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
What did the pin hole camera say when the SLR camera asked about it's aperature and exposure time when taking a picture?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
My wife says that I should worry about the brakes on my car instead of posting on Reddit
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
Say what you want about the iPhone X but
You can't deny it had a top notch screen.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
I was gonna say i joke about girlfriends
But i was like nah you wouldn't get it.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
What do people say about the mushroom?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
You know what they say about picking the right species of Christmas Tree?
It's a huge Pine in the Ash
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
Say what you want about dad jokes...
...but they're all relatively funny
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
Say what you will about horse girls
But they definitely know how to ride
Edit: First time post here, just felt like horsing around
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
You know what they say about communism,
π︎ 34
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
Iβd say something sweet about the new Jacket I got for Christmas..
But I donβt want to sugar coat it.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
What did the bagel say when he was about to get eaten at breakfast?
Excuse me, but I'd like to propose a toast!
π︎ 21
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
You know what they say about hindsight!
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Apr 03 2020
Say what you will about anti-vaxxers, flat earthers and young earth Creationists, at least they all have a good conscience...
...especially as they constantly come out with tons of con-science.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
what do we say about the assassin ?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
A bloke runs in to a bar and says. Quick how tall are penguins? The barman says about three feet. The man groans and says :--
I have just run over a NUN
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
What did the German millionaire say about his yacht?
.... It's verboten
Made up for my son when he was 5 forever ago
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
What do the vicugna pacos family say when they are about to go on a vacation?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
what did the egg say as he was about to hatch?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
What do you say to an arachnid that worries too much about everything?
Please, don't be so dramatick!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
What did Tesla's wife say about his new electric current
"he's going through a phase"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is heβs out there making a living as a comedian
You gotta give him props for that
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
I could say something about NRA and MAGA,
But it would probably just turn into an ANAGRAM joke,
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
What did the doormaker say about the door?
Relax, I got a handle on it
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
What did the dad say to his son who wouldn't shut up about buying him a cup so he could play sports?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
Iβm telling my 5yr old about the wonderful world of literature and she says it sounds boring. I responded with
But... itβs lit! Hits the dad dab
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
I used to date a comedian. I have nothing bad to say about her...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
You know what they say about bad haircuts?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
My dad trusted no one. He even had a favourite saying about it.
But he wouldnβt tell me.
π︎ 405
π
︎ Sep 28 2019
My father trusted no one. Even had a great saying about it.
But he wouldnβt tell me.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Jul 28 2018
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, "My door is always open".
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 25 2020
You can say what you want about waiters
but they do bring a lot to the table.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
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