A list of puns related to "Q source"
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
Because the chicken had the day off.
Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isnβt divulging her sources. Hilarious.
Edit: The first joke sheβs told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)
Can you make me one with everything?
https://www.reddit.com/r/WatchPeopleDieInside/comments/kb2m9o/most_successful_joke_ever/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
He says "what do you call it when an environmentalist sets a forest on fire?"
She says "I don't know."
He says "Treeson." The girl laughs
He follows saying "Yknow, if you'd like more of these jokes, I got them from a cool source if you're interested."
The girl says "Yes, I'm interested."
The boy then replies "Good to know SOMEONE is interested in me."
Why are Santas reindeer generally drenched with water?
Because they are rain-deer.
Why did Santa have to visit the psychologist?
He had low elf esteem.
Why are Christmas trees so uncoordinated when it comes to sewing?
They always drop their needles.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a hungry mosquito?
Frostbite
βWhat did Adam say to Eve on the night before Christmas day?
It's Christmas Eve!
Basically, theyβve been stripped of their source of income.
... so they can beat the crowds!
Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)
There's nothing better than a secret source.
Buttocks
Source - from the jokes forum.
A source-a-rar.
Quaran-teen
Source: My local mechanic, bless his heart
http://imgur.com/gallery/XYWedTN
HDMI
(sourced from r/Jokes by u/Deadly_R)
So I packed my things and right
credit to u/Anon8627, upvote him, please!
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."
It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.
You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.
In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.
This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un
... keep reading on reddit β‘To beat the crowd.
Edit: All credit goes to u/AleoMoorea, who posted it here.
Still can't believe Gav is gone.
58
Source: https://twitter.com/mskaybelle/status/1269123905870053376?s=19
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
Thanks, Iβll never part with it.
(Source - me. Itβs my cake day and Iβm bald!)
Actually itβs a meme my crazy aunt posted on FB page for me today.
Because its non stick.
Source: my actual Dad.
My daughter had to wire an essay about her hobby, which is softball. Her opener:
Pitcher this, youβre standing on a mound.
I was overwhelmed, and more proud than ever. She threw in some other puns too, it was an excellent essay, sheβs giving me a run for my money, I batter watch out.
Edit: thank you u/PsychicGnome for the reminder that my kids are better parents than I am
It was in tents!
Source: facebook Dad Jokes
My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning⦠But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.
Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"
Somebody stole all my lampsβ¦. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!
I once met a pig that did karate⦠We called him Pork Chop!
Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!
(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/
(Sorry For Not Posting, I Was Busy)
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
I didn't use to care much for most puns but over time some of them have groan on me.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
(Source For All Puns: https://www.punoftheday.com/cgi-bin/disppuns.pl?ord=F&cat=0&sub=0&page=1)
"Hatch who?"
"Bless you!"
Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
Well, that seals the deal!
It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.
Green paint.
Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/52s8g9/classic_chain_of_dadjokes_no_puns/
You rocket!
Source of joke is none other than Siri!
https://i.imgur.com/q0n6T7p.jpg
We suspect fowl play.
Unfortunately, the stairs don't talk.
That doesn't make any cents!
A Ο-thon
Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/9swx4t/math_joke/
https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/j5h6z7/who_says_you_need_10_fingers_to_be_perfect_we/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
https://www.reddit.com/r/wholesomememes/comments/ii7t65/his_jokes_arent_always_bad/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
We will never know!
But their grandchildren still listen, in spite of rule 4, because hearing dear old grand-da be excited about his stories is just so sweet, whether he remembers tellin them or not
https://www.reddit.com/r/puns/comments/g8vr7z/pack_and_move/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ap9gqf/i_have_a_phd_in_procrastin/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app
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