What to you call a gentleman with bad hygiene that loves to tell puns?
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︎ Feb 01 2020
I heard my friends dad likes to tell puns
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︎ Aug 27 2018
You can't tell puns to a kleptomaniac...
They take things literally.
(Free irony included, this joke is shamelessly stolen)
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︎ Oct 02 2019
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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︎ Mar 19 2021
My parents always tell me their world doesnβt revolve around me...
so I guess that means Iβm not actually their sun.
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︎ May 21 2021
I want to tell a vaccine joke
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︎ Feb 18 2021
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
A lot of people canβt tell the difference between entomology and etymology.
I canβt find the words for how much this bugs me.
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︎ Apr 26 2021
(My Grandma called me just to tell me this one): Why did the farmer bury a lightbulb?
He wanted to grow a power plant
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︎ Apr 23 2021
You know I was gonna tell a joke about time travel
But you guys didnβt like it very much
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︎ May 21 2021
sometimes i tell Dad jokes..
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︎ May 18 2021
Please tell me the most obscure dad joke in your repertoire
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︎ May 14 2021
I wanted to tell you a construction joke
But Iβm still working on it
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︎ May 18 2021
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
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︎ Jan 21 2021
I asked my daughter if she had taken a bath yet and sarcastically she says yeah, so I tell her to take another one.
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︎ May 20 2021
A dating profile said βTell me youβre vaccinatedβ
So my first message to her was βYouβre vaccinated.β
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︎ May 15 2021
People ask my secret to a happy marriage. I tell them the trick is my wife and I go out to dinner twice a week.
I go Tuesdays and my wife takes Thursdays
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︎ May 14 2021
I was going to tell you a joke about scoliosis
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︎ May 04 2021
I tried to tell a joke about a guillotine
I didn't execute it properly
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︎ Apr 21 2021
I could tell you a Covid joke...
But it would take 3 days for you to get it.
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︎ May 21 2021
I know I tell a lot of knock knock jokes
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︎ May 16 2021
How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke?
Heβs Dublin clover with laughter.
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︎ May 08 2021
Little known fact: William Tell and his wife were really good bowlers.
Nobody knows for whom the Tells bowled.
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︎ May 14 2021
One thing I'll never do is tell dad jokes
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︎ Apr 13 2021
A buddy of mine named his dog β5 Milesβ so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
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︎ Nov 24 2020
I was trying to create a super soldier in my lab, but I accidentally created a very thin man who could tell the future.
At least I was still able to make a slight prophet.
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︎ May 19 2021
LPT: Never tell a sound technician how they are doing their job.
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︎ May 20 2021
Why shouldn't you tell any secrets in a cornfield ?
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︎ Apr 20 2021
I was gonna tell you a joke about memory
But I forgot where I stored it.
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︎ May 17 2021
Don't tell jokes about lost USPS parcels.
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︎ May 11 2021
If you tell me your dad jokes
I'll say "yo mama jokes better than him"
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︎ May 20 2021
(9 year old daughter tells me) What does a Dalmatian say after it eats dinner?
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︎ Apr 23 2021
Dad, can you tell me the fastest way to the ocean?
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︎ Mar 27 2021
I was gonna tell you guys an economics joke
But they're in high demand
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︎ May 07 2021
Boss: Tell me about suzanne Me: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
Boss: You're a zoo keeper, none of them should get away
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︎ Mar 14 2021
How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?
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︎ May 18 2021
A woman is sick in the hospital. Doctors tell her she only has days to live. She summons for her husband because she has something important to tell him. He rushes to the hospital.
When he arrives she says βIβve decided what I want for dinner.β
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︎ May 15 2021
My colleagues, I tell ya
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︎ Mar 17 2021
I have a computer that does the exact opposite of what you tell it to do
it talks so if it's being annoying just say "open down"
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︎ Apr 12 2021
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
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︎ Apr 21 2021
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,
I don't listen - and something else.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
A Mexican magician tells the audience
A Mexican magician tells the audience that he will disappear at the count of 3.
He says "uno, dos..." poof ... He disappeared without a tres!
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︎ May 02 2021
I always tell my kids to stay at school.
But they keep coming back.
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︎ May 11 2021
I tried to tell my vaccinated friend a COVID joke.
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︎ Mar 30 2021
My dad dad was a big Gambler and always won. His secret was to not tell anyone..
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︎ May 17 2021
I donβt tell dad jokes anymore
He never thinks theyβre funny
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︎ Apr 27 2021
I was gonna tell a time travelling joke
but you guys didnt like it
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︎ May 06 2021
Did you know William Tell and his wife were bowlers?
Noone knows for whom the Tell's bowled.
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︎ May 05 2021
I never tell dad jokes
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︎ Apr 16 2021
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