*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
A kid asked his dad to tell him about capitalism.
Dad: well, in a nutshell, it's a cashew.
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
A guy told me he’d give me $5 if I could tell him two things that hold water. I though for a minute then said....
My rooster is an artist. He draws on plates and I add arms and numbers, but for the life of me I can’t tell if he’s drawing snakes, mountains, teepee’s, etc., so I finally asked him and he said:
What does Adam Lambert say when you tell him you did your math homework in the snow?
"Don't give a damn about your cold calculation."
My neighbor came over again to tell me about his new lawn, so I told him to get lost.
I’ve heard enough of his sod stories.
A programmer's wife tells him: "While you're at the store, get some milk".
I called my friend to tell him about my big promotion and how it comes with a lot of new responsibilities now that I'm running the business. He asked what my new job was and how I was holding up.
I told him "I'm generally managing"
A rich occultist tells his Butler to get him some aged bourbon
He summoned spirits of long ago
My son comes up to me today and tells me he’s gay. My wife tried to stop me but I couldn’t stop myself shouting at him.
Hi gay I’m dad. I just get so excited at every oppertunity to say it.
Never let anyone tell you what can or cannot do. Just look at Beethoven, everyone told him he wouldn't make it as a musician.
My son asked me to tell him a boat joke. I said, "I can't think of any, but...."
A guy goes into a library and asks about books on premature ejaculation. The librarian tells him the book is checked out til next week.
The guy comes in the next day looking for the books again but quickly apologizes. Sorry I came early.
Man looks everywhere for his colourful tie when his wife tells him "I'm afraid you can't wear it anymore". "Why?"
What did the Mexican tell the foreigner when teaching him about stoplights?
My grandfather would talk to ghosts who’d tell him what size clothes to wear,
Why didn't Thor's brother tell him he was coming over?
It was just a low-key visit
My girlfriend has a fat orange cat that looks like a pumpkin. She tells him he’s beautiful.
I tell him he’s gourdeous.
A chef excitedly calls up his friend to tell him about his latest creation
"I've just discovered the recipe for an amazing type of cheese sauce made with cheese, butter, flour, milk, and peppers!" he exclaims.
The friend, unimpressed, replies, "K, so?"
My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later. I've heard him tell it many times over the years.
Went to a priest to tell him about my weekend he told me to do 20 hail marys...
20 hail marys? Who does he think I am Aaron Rodgers?
My son was being very noisy attaching cross-laced string to an oval frame. I had to tell him...
The gingerbread man goes to the doctor and tells him he broke his foot.
The doctor asks "did you try icing it?"
What does Trump's security tell him when he is attacked?
Nurse comes in and tells the doctor "There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?" The doctor says...
"Tell him I can't see him!"
An atom turns to the atom beside him and tells it a great joke but the other atom doesn't even giggle...
It was no laughing matter.
I’d need to call the doctor that helped delivered me just to tell him...
“Thanks for helping me out.”
What do you call a man that tells the future and has four dark spots around him?
Some jerk wouldn’t tell me the time so I clocked him.
Seems like only yesterday my brother rang to tell me I was an uncle to a baby boy, and that him and his wife were going to name him after me.
The years go by so quickly... Afterme will be 21 next week!
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender tells him to get the hell out.
He says, “What’s wrong? I’m a fun guy!”
Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."
I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".
He's a legend among my friends dads.
My dad invites me to a weekend barbecue; I tell him I've got deadlines
His response: If the lines are dead, why the hell are you still tending them 🤣😅
Chinese guy goes to the optometrist for an eye exam and the doctor tells him "You have a cataract." And the Chines guy goes "No, I drive a Wincoln."
A string goes into the bar and the bartender tells him, “We don’t serve your kind here” the string then leaves, twists himself up and parts his hair, coming back to the bar, the bartender then asks, “Aren’t you the string from yesterday?”
The string replies, “I’m a frayed knot”
One day, Dracula gives his son “the talk”. He tells him, “son, when two monsters love each other very much...” The son interrupts him and says...
“They Mash!” “Yes son! They do the monster mash”
God appears before Moses and tells him he's going to lead His people into the promise land...
Moses says, "NO WAY!" But God said, "YAHWEH!"
MAN GOES TO DOCTOR FOR A PHYSICAL. TELLS HIM NOT TO BE ALARMED. I HAVE FIVE PENISES.
Doctor: How does it fit in your pants?
Man: Like a glove.
An adult finds a lost kid and asks him “Do you know your mom’s number?” The kid says he does and then tells him
Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do.. just look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he would never be a musician because he was deaf.
My son keeps asking me to tell him what a solar eclipse is
Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven, for example. They told him he couldn't be a musician because he was deaf...
...but he didn't listen...
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