In honor of Motherβs Day, Iβd just like to say,
βthank you for your cervix.β
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 09 2021
My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
Delighted to say I've finally got a new job installing mirrors!
Nothing fancy, but was something I could always see myself doing.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
My therapist says that I second guess every decision that I ever make.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband βIβve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?β
The husband says βChange the battery in your hearing aid.β
π︎ 180
π
︎ Jun 04 2021
Wife says I wonβt get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
π︎ 25k
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iβm a man, everybody I know says Iβm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iβm a 4-person family
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
A duck wants into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: βIβd like some chapstickβ
The pharmacist says βbut youβre a duck, how are you going to pay for that?β
The duck says βitβs fine, just put it on my billβ
π︎ 285
π
︎ May 02 2021
People say Iβm too apathetic.
π︎ 26
π
︎ May 28 2021
People say I make too many horse stall jokes
Itβs what keeps me stable
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jun 06 2021
I was at the horse racing track today and this guy comes over to me and says, "You want the winner of the next race?"
"No Thanks!!" I said. "I've only got a small garden."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 06 2021
My wife threatened to leave me because she says I have a bad sense of direction..
So I packed my stuff and right.
π︎ 65
π
︎ May 20 2021
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! π
π︎ 178
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
Iβm ashamed to say this, but I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I donβt know Y (possible repost, but I donβt care)
π︎ 16
π
︎ May 20 2021
Whenever we visited my Grampa's dairy farm, there'd be mud and cowpats everywhere, and my Dad would say, "I love dairy farms! Look at the dairy barn, and the dairy cows, and...
"Smell that sweet Dairy Air!"
If the joke's unclear:>!"dairy air" sounds like "derriere"!<
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 07 2021
I've said it once, and I'll say it again.
π︎ 30
π
︎ May 31 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
And all the girlies say Iβm
π︎ 48
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
I asked my daughter if she had taken a bath yet and sarcastically she says yeah, so I tell her to take another one.
π︎ 29
π
︎ May 20 2021
Ima start spelling weed ouiβd cos I canβt say no to it
π︎ 380
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Scientists has discovered in the desert a cactus that's needles are so hard to see there almost transparent. I says to my self...
That cactus must really like making her points clear.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 06 2021
Mondays what can I say
π︎ 32
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
A woman walks into a bar. βIβll have an entendre,β she says to the bartender. βMake it a double.β
π︎ 113
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
I guess you can say Santa gives kids gifts... ON THE HOUSE
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 01 2021
Whenever someone says βitβs chilly outsideβ I feel compelled to reply:
You know what they say, chili today hot tamale
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 31 2021
I say βMuchoβ to every Spanish person I meet...
Apparently it means a lot to them.
π︎ 97
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
Two horses in a field, one says to the other βIβm so hungry, I could eat a horseβ
The other replies βmoooβ
π︎ 320
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
βI play a little guitar!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
I asked my son: "What does Mr. Dog say?"
"Woof" he said.
"Ok, now what does Mr. Cow say?"
"Moo"
"And what does Mr. Owl say?"
"Who"
"You know, Mr. Owl... the bird?"
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 27 2021
Wife: "My Gynecologist says I can't have sex for 2 weeks."
Husband: "What did the Dentist say?"
π︎ 83
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
Someone baked my sword! It made me so angry!! I guess you could say...
π︎ 19
π
︎ May 08 2021
[Dark] Reports came out that suicide rates actually dropped during the pandemic despite people's worst fears. I guess it's true what they say...
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 07 2021
I would like to say a joke on construction
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
My wife says I'm useless at fixing electrical appliances.
Well, she's in for a shock .
π︎ 28
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
My wife says I am spending too much money on mirrors
Itβs time for some self reflection
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 11 2021
I always make sure to say βMuchoβ when around my Spanish speaking friends.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
My wife says I have two flaws
I donβt listen and then something else
π︎ 122
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
One astronaut says to another βI canβt find any milk for my coffeeβ
The other astronaut replies βIn space no one can, here use creamβ
π︎ 281
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
My doctor says I should start eating hot peppers to boost my immune system.
He said they're full of Vitamin Spi-C!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
My little girl accidentally broke one of her toy flowers. All I could say was...
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 06 2021
People say Iβm a plagiarist.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
Thought I heard someone say βHelloβ in Arabic
But it was a false Salaam.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
In case I donβt have time to say this tomorrow
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 03 2021
People say I can be condescending...
That's when you talk down to people.
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 05 2021
Dad says, "I can speak every language except Greek!"
Child asks him a question in French. Dad replies, "Hmmm. That sounds Greek to me."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
I always say "mucho" when i am around my hispanic friends
π︎ 48
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
I say Mucho to all my Spanish friends.
Because it means a lot to them.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
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