My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I had one of the first computers that could talk.....

But this one day, the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I went out and got a Zip drive.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dickcheney600
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I always thought it was weird that no one talks about demons in Africa.

Then I remembered-they bless the rains down in Africa.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_kermit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I know they say that money talks,

but all mine says is β€˜Goodbye.’

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/behrkon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?

whispers I think it's becoming scentient

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigshotstorm43
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a ghost that haunts the set of a day-time tv talk show?

The Phantom of the Oprah.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mumpledump69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My son hates art so much that his body releases gas every time we talk about it

F art

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doorbell28
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the midget who could talk to the dead that was running from the police?

He was a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two friends named Doug that got in a fight and don’t talk anymore?

Now they’re both Doug-less

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skagbaronkris
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I own a fish that can talk.

I asked him, "What lights up your night?"

He said " Blub"

Sorry, he's a bit dyslexic.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Allgen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.

You can say.... I’m behind The Times.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf wife just told me that β€œwe need to talk.”

That was not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I used to know a guy who was all about getting his waffle in the morning. That's all he'd talk about! He'd even take people's toast out of the toaster and put in his waffles.

He's such an Eggo-maniac

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Thats why communist talk a lot
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvilMurloc22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a friend named Jack that can talk to vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk!!!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkDG
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is elated that Bruce Willis is coming to his college to give a talk...

He's a die hard fan.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
If you talk to stairs, does that make you a β€œStairMaster”?
πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jussymane
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I have this rare disease that causes me to talk like a YouTuber

Please be sure to like, subscribe, and comment below.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChargingTiger
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Bar talk: Dude 1: What was that song by Eric Burdon again; something about love is on fire? Dude 2: Yeah. Yeah. "Love is a burnin' thing, and it makes a fiery ring..."

Dude 3: I think it was Hotel California. "Last thing I remember, I was running for the door..."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter is 14 and dating. Her boyfriend’s name is Braden, I think..so I just use any B name that comes to mind to annoy her. Braden, Brody, Bradley, Brandon, Bruce, Bryce, etc. Looking for more suggestions! I also talk gangster to her all the time to get her going. Being a β€˜Dad Joke’ Dad is fun!
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lachrondizzle23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
It's a known fact that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them

It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MonsieurMann
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a fish talk to it's friends that live far away?

By logging into the Fishnet

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nitefury07
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife keeps telling me that I talk in my sleep, but I don’t believe her.

No one at work ever mentioned it.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it?

He always said "for I do not speak of my own Accord"

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearkryptonite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you know that the song "Away in a Manger" talks about fawns?

"Bless all the deer children in thy tender care..."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weird_al_yankee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My partner said she saw a baby so cute her ovaries exploded. Baby wasn't even that cute. Talk about an ovary-action.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Lettuce talk about that
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hairyliberal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend Rhee died, but I've convinced myself that he's just gone far away. I don't like to talk about it, so when someone asks me I just say...

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
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That's some trash talk for ya'!
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/truddilutten
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2014
🚨︎ report
Every time my Dad and I talk about a movie that is clearly fiction... (Transformers, any Zombie Movie, Avatar, Tron)

"Its based on a true story, right?"

I still laugh every time though, and use it myself sometimes.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisCastig
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
🚨︎ report
My deaf wife just told me that β€œwe need to talk.”

That was not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 485
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Studies show that cows produce more milk when farmers talk to them

It’s a case of, in one ear and out the udder

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PineappleBum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chooboto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report

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