Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"

"That's M'Shell on my back!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chainsmoker88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Why was 4 afraid to ask out 5?

Because he was 2 squared.

πŸ‘︎ 872
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YeezyClaps
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

β€œI play a little guitar!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"

She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cryingstlfan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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A man with 2 left feet walks into a shoe store and asks...

"Do you sell flip flips?"

πŸ‘︎ 225
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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I was once offered the chance to join a secret club, where anyone who asks a question is permanently banned.

I said, "Sure, why not?"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...

Ruff.

πŸ‘︎ 437
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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A woman asks: β€œWhat’s upstairs.”

The man reply’s: β€œUnfortunately the stairs don’t talk.”

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Millo234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?

That's where I draw the line.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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Ordering KFC, and I ask for a chicken wing. Cashier asks, β€œok sir, and which side?”

I replied I had never thought about it before, but I suppose I’ll take the right side.

Cashier: β€œsir, I meant mashed potatoes, corn, or beans.”

πŸ‘︎ 334
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he can assist with any luggage.

The photon replies, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”

πŸ‘︎ 206
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elusivblak
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Ask for Dr. Jones.
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RAMBOxBAGGINS
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Pikachu gets stabbed by a Jamaican man and then asks why?

The Jamaican man replies he just wanted to poke a mon.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/4294
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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A waiter asks the "How did you find your steak, Sir?"

Me: I just looked next to the mash potatoes and there it was!

Source: tedthestoner2.0.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jabhiram
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
People ask me why the notepad on my desk never moves

I tell them it’s stationary

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xtaldad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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A woman walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a "Double Entendre".

So he gives it to her.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mano_Trueno
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A man goes to a beekeeper and asks for 12 bees. He counts, and sees he has been given 13....

β€œSir, you gave me an extra!” he says. The beekeeper replies β€œOh, that’s a freebie”

πŸ‘︎ 153
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MARKHENRY88
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A string goes into a bar, the bartender asks: "Would you like a drink"?

String: "I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oSocialPeanut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Ask Tommy.

Hilfiger it out.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperNova7039
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Hi Reddit! I’m Steve J. Lindell. CEO of MyPillow. Ask me anything!

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ritualaesthetic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into an apiary and asks the beekeeper for a dozen bees.

The beekeeper replies: "Sure, and I'll throw in the 13th as a freebie..."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitya04
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Chad asks his friend, "What would happen if all the women in the world disappeared?"

His friend replied, "That would be a pain in the ass."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into the library and asks, "Do you have any books on poor eyesight."

"NO, We don't!!!" replies the barman.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Need to ask somebody to support you?

Just column.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SolgaleoGamePlays
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Everybody asks me how I got from Iraq to Afghanistan back in 2007...

But no one believes me when I say Iran.

^(For everyone confused, Iran is in between Iraq and Afghanistan on a map.)

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks β€œWhat are you counting?”

And the guy says β€œhow many tattoos I have now”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deepsea333
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Grizzly bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "i'll have a whiskey..................on the rocks, please" bartender asks "whats with the big pause?"

Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Carr3iroh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
If you are offended by my dad jokes, don’t get mad and ask me to go to the artificial excavation filled with water.

I mean well.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaulFromTheParty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Two wind turbines stood in a field one wind turbine asks the other wind turbine "What type of music do you like?" The other wind turbine replies..

"I'm a huge metal fan"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks if she would like it cut into 6 or 12 pieces.

"6 please. I could never eat 12."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I called to speak to my doctor and the receptionist asked "May I ask who's calling?"

I replied "Yes you may, go right ahead and ask"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend asks me what's stopping from posting a dad joke

I told him it's my negative karma.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cbsxact7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I am a proud dad today - my son ask me what this Indian bread on top of the fridge is for

I told him it’s Naan of his business

Edit: he could have replied β€œpapa dumb”

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in McDonald's and I ask the worker how much for a big mac and fries

She said she didn't know, so I said roughly.

So in a deep voice she said "I DON'T KNOOOOW"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sentinel_UK
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
So My my freind ask me if I wanted to get some punch

So we got some punch and left. This joke kinda fell flat since their wasn't even a punchline to begin with.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Talking about uterus at dinner... Don't ask

My friend says, did y'all know that in Australia they have a store called yute-r-us?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bballjs88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the bodybuilder ask the other bodybuilder when wanting details about his diet?

How much do you whey?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blan_Uator
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2 Β²

πŸ‘︎ 341
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2Β²

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shah0150
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...

Ruff.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Ask Tommy.

Hilfiger it out.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperNova7039
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report

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