My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her new Christmas present teddy bear, when she asked, โDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?โ In my best bear voice, I replied...
โNo thanks, Iโm stuffed!"
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Dec 26 2021
My son said he wants to sleep with 1000 women before he reaches 30.
I said, "Don't be silly, you have to sleep with 30 first."
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︎ Jan 10 2022
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
๐︎ 6k
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︎ Nov 23 2021
A friend of mine asked if I want to hear a great Flash impression, And I said yes...
He shouted, โNOT THE KRYPTONITE!โ
And I said, โThatโs Supermanโฆโ
โThanks, man, โ he replied. โIโve been practicing it a lot.โ
๐︎ 7k
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︎ Nov 04 2021
You want to read 2 short jokes and a long one?
Jokes. jokes jjjjjjjjjooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeesss
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︎ Jan 03 2022
A weasel walks into a bar. The barman says โoh, thatโs fun, Iโve never served a weasel before! What do you want to drink?
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︎ Dec 24 2021
When I die, I want to be laid in my coffin on my stomach.
I want people to speak well behind my back.
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︎ Nov 28 2021
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like his passengers.
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︎ Dec 31 2021
I want to die like my grandpa, sleeping peacefully.
Not desperately screaming like the people in the bus he was driving.
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Oct 20 2021
want to hear a joke about paper?
๐︎ 17
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︎ Jan 06 2022
I want to tell you about a woman who eats plants
Youโve probably never heard of herbivoreโฆ
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︎ Dec 02 2021
No joke here. I just want to tell any dads out there that may be struggling to keep your heads up...
When you look down, all you see is defeat.
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Oct 02 2021
Do you want me to say my Van Gogh joke? You do? Alright then...
๐︎ 53
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︎ Nov 30 2021
I was at the dinner table with my mum when I was younger, I told her โwhen Iโm older I want to drive a linguiniโ
She started laughing hysterically and replied โyou mean Lamborghini, itโs pronounced Lamborghiniโ then continued to laugh:
I wasnโt happy, I meant exactly what I said
Anyway, fast forward 20 years, I saved up every penne I had to buy my first car: first thing I did was speed past my mums house, you shouldโve seen her face.
She wasnโt laughing when I drove Pasta
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︎ Dec 31 2021
My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but Iโm trying to put him off.
Iโm convinced his life will be in ruins.
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︎ Dec 27 2021
It's so cool my daughter wants to be a car mechanic, but I feel I must warn her.
It can be exhausting work.
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︎ Nov 21 2021
My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly...
๐︎ 7k
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︎ Aug 28 2021
my 7 year old daughter told me this one. Why didn't the apple want to date the banana?
Because she didn't find him appealing
๐︎ 658
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︎ Oct 18 2021
Want to know why there are so many people in Ireland? ๐ฎ๐ช
It's because the capital is always Dublin.
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︎ Oct 14 2021
I dont want to stick around for the end of the world
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︎ Jan 09 2022
I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
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︎ Nov 21 2021
My dog wants to become a professional pianist, but I told him not to quit his day job.
Unfortunately his Bach is worse than his bite.
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︎ Dec 12 2021
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked, โDo you want to hear todayโs special?โ I said, โYes please.โ
Waiter: โNo problem, sir. Today is special.โ
Edit: [op] Wow, thanks for the votes & awards!
๐︎ 11k
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︎ Jul 29 2021
My wife kept giving me Twix and tells me to guess right or left twix so far Iโm 300-300 she wants to know how
I told her because the left one donโt taste right
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︎ Dec 18 2021
Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Aug 08 2021
Why didnโt the crab want to share his toys?
Because heโs shellfish.
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︎ Dec 16 2021
I have toilet story but you wouldn't want to hear it.
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︎ Dec 21 2021
I don't want to get all cheesy, but I just wanted to say...
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︎ Dec 31 2021
If you want someone to take care of your kids during the day, you should look for a babysitter...
...and if you want someone to take care of you kids in the evening, you should look for a kidnapper.
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︎ Dec 16 2021
Nasa wants you to find water on Mars.
Dad getting his new 3 iron and fresh ball "say no more".
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︎ Jan 04 2022
If 2 vegans want to fight each other....
๐︎ 102
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︎ Oct 27 2021
A Lawyer says to Mickey Mouse: So it says here that you want to divorce Minnie for beingโฆ extremely silly?
Mickey: No I said she was fucking goofy
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︎ Nov 12 2021
I want to tell you my disembowlment joke, but...
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︎ Nov 29 2021
I don't want to end the year on bad terms with anyone
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︎ Dec 28 2021
I donโt want to beat a dead horse butโฆ
Itโs safer than trying to beat a live one.
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︎ Nov 30 2021
I don't want to throw shade at the JWST, but...
...its sun shield has deployed.
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︎ Jan 05 2022
I hate when I have to go somewhere fancy and my hair just wants to taunt pigeons and jaywalk.
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︎ Nov 29 2021
From my 8-year-old daughter: "I think I want to learn sign language"
You never know when it might come in handy
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︎ Dec 23 2021
I was hunting a lion the other day and I really needed to fart. I held it in because I didn't want him to smell me coming.
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︎ Dec 12 2021
Dad, I want to learn to draw!
Why? You should learn to win instead. A win is better than a draw.
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︎ Dec 22 2021
Want to hear a dirty joke?
The white horse fell in the mud puddle.
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︎ Oct 26 2021
If you like dad jokes, you might want to check out the new Ghostbusters film, Afterlifeโฆ
The main character indulges in โdad jokes,โ such as:
What do a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
They both are completely harmless, until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
Thereโs plenty where that came from.
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︎ Nov 19 2021
On a scale of 1 to 10, if you want to give a 0 but can't, give them a 10 cause...
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︎ Dec 24 2021
A man walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "what do you want?" the man replies, "Oh, just some fruit punch" the bartender sighs and shakes his head, "if you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line."
The man looks around, but there is no punchline.
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Jul 15 2021
i want to tell you about a woman who eat plants
but you've probably never heard of herbivore
๐︎ 36
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︎ Dec 04 2021
Why didn't the prawn want to share?
Because it was shellfish.
๐︎ 8
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︎ Dec 23 2021
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