I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake...
... until the doctor told me to take the candles off first!
Happy cake day to meeeeee!
I throw up whenever i hear a joke
Whenever a bird hears a great joke
It starts ROFLing its feathers
Whenever I cook, I'm always left with excess herbs.
Guess I just have great Thyme management.
You should wear your mask whenever you go to a cemetery in this pandemic.
Cemeteries have a lot of coffin.
Whenever my son has to make a picture for homework, I always make sure he signs his name last
Because Andrew is a lot shorter than Andrawing
Whenever I write a letter, I always add a footnote explaining Ohm’s Law.
It’s my P.S. de resistance.
I've noticed that my son gets angry whenever he's having a growth spurt.
Whenever I joke about online shopping
I always make sure it's guaranteed delivery.
Whenever I say something, I’m right 98% of the time
The other 3% is when I do math
I hate it whenever I hit a speed bump...
... but I’ll get over it.
Whenever I can't work because of lack of connectivity, I get a warm fuzzy feeling
Whenever I walk out to my backyard pond
My fish first pop out to say hello, but then quickly retreat to cover. Then they'll tease like they're coming out again, but then they'll shy away.
What makes them act so coy!?
My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
Whenever I'm without my tent...
I'm never as happy as when I'm con-tent
I have OCD so whenever someone says "tho"
I always respond with "ugh"
Whenever I am in a running competion i end up in Finland.
Because i am running to the finnish line.
My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset.
Frankly, it's not her bismuth.
Whenever someone asks me if I prefer maples, elms, or oaks, my response is always the same:
"It's not a poplar tree contest."
Whenever we go to a buffet, I always ask my wife to get my food for me.
I just can't help myself.
Whenever I'm sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
I make sure to eat legumes whenever I'm stressed.
It's the only way for me to achieve inner peas.
My wife takes away my inhaler whenever I act up
To this day, she still takes my breath away
My wife insists that I go with her whenever she shops for igneous rock containing quartz and feldspar.
Sometimes I think she takes me for granite.
What does the Mexican carpet fitter say whenever he lays a new floor?
Whenever I go to bed I imagine I'm a cop
As a doctor, whenever I hear someone crying from the waiting room that they want to get a lollipop and go home, I think to myself
They must be a little patient.
I like the smell of my wife whenever she complains about justifiable points
I really like her fairer moans
Whenever my sprinter friend runs a race, he leans over and pretends to vomit
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Whenever I have a pessimistic thought, I put some money in it.
it's currently half empty
A wizard dad became concerned that whenever his son went to the bathroom, he wasn't giving himself privacy.
One day, the dad went to use the bathroom, thinking it was unused. There was a loud crash and he sighed, staring down at the scattered mess on the floor.
"Please, son," he said, "will you quit leaving the door a jar?"
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
My son asked me why I call him Julius whenever we go fishing
That's cause he's a row-man
Whenever my friend smells, he says things in the wrong order.
He's got a terrible case of body Yoda
Someone asked me why I use lots of spices whenever I cook
So I said thyme is of the essence
Whenever I go golfing, I bring an extra pair of pants
Just in case I get a hole in one
My dad has a tradition of wearing pink whenever he does his jog
It’s a bit of a running joke in the family
Whenever I go fur trapping...
I bring my beaver cleaver.
The bartender does a little jig whenever he opens a new keg.
I’m the kind of guy that would yell “Language” whenever anyone curses. My friend yelled out the F-bomb. I said “Language.” She then flipped me off.
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.
Dad: You’re so lucky, you can sleep whenever you want!
Whenever I undress in the bathroom…
My shower gets turned on.
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
My sister always gets mad whenever I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
I’m sorry but that’s how I roll.
Whenever I’m yelling at my kids, I take out my transparent megaphone.
So that they can hear me loud and clear.
I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.
It was wrong on so many levels.
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