I throw up whenever i hear a joke
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake...
... until the doctor told me to take the candles off first!
Happy cake day to meeeeee!
Whenever someone asks me if I prefer maples, elms, or oaks, my response is always the same:
"It's not a poplar tree contest."
My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
My wife insists that I go with her whenever she shops for igneous rock containing quartz and feldspar.
Sometimes I think she takes me for granite.
My wife takes away my inhaler whenever I act up
To this day, she still takes my breath away
Whenever my sprinter friend runs a race, he leans over and pretends to vomit
Whenever I'm sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
I have OCD so whenever someone says "tho"
I always respond with "ugh"
Whenever I go to bed I imagine I'm a cop
Instead of saying ”get down!” whenever the American president is about to get shot
The secret services now have to say ”Donald, duck!” I stole this joke
Whenever I go golfing, I bring an extra pair of pants
Just in case I get a hole in one
Someone asked me why I use lots of spices whenever I cook
So I said thyme is of the essence
Whenever my friend smells, he says things in the wrong order.
He's got a terrible case of body Yoda
Whenever a dad sees a friend in a restaurant:
“Oh so they’re just letting anyone in here?”
Whenever I go fur trapping...
I bring my beaver cleaver.
My dad has a tradition of wearing pink whenever he does his jog
It’s a bit of a running joke in the family
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
Dad: You’re so lucky, you can sleep whenever you want!
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Whenever I have a pessimistic thought, I put some money in it.
it's currently half empty
The bartender does a little jig whenever he opens a new keg.
I’m the kind of guy that would yell “Language” whenever anyone curses. My friend yelled out the F-bomb. I said “Language.” She then flipped me off.
Whenever I undress in the bathroom…
My shower gets turned on.
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
My sister always gets mad whenever I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
I’m sorry but that’s how I roll.
Whenever I’m yelling at my kids, I take out my transparent megaphone.
So that they can hear me loud and clear.
I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.
It was wrong on so many levels.
You know, whenever I'm doing math the numbers won't stop dancing on my page.
I guess logorhythms confuse me.
Whenever people ask if i'm married i always tell people my wife and I are seperated
She's at home and i'm at work
Whenever I find a difficult level on a game I give up and go search for a walkthrough in order to clear it.
I really should get past this phase.
Whenever I say anything to my horse, he denies it, refuses it, opposes it, or is skeptical or cynical about it.
Whenever I read a dad joke, I tell to myself...
What can you hear whenever the writer of Futurama tells a dad joke?
Whenever I get confused, I light a candle
Whenever I need energy I always go for Goldfish crackers
They’re loaded with carpohydrates
Whenever I see the stock market about to crash
I yell out ENNNNRONIIIING!!!!
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
Whenever I see one of those police composite drawings I’m like woah
I get upset whenever I hear a, e, i, o, or u.
Turns out I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
Y'know, whenever I say baloney
It sounds like I'm saying baloney.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
"Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'"
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Whenever I see a girl I like with another man I feel prisoner to my emotions and spend a night in jailousy
Whenever someone suggests I try bondage I tell them I can't because the thing I put in my mouth keeps escaping.
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says “regular please” and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks “fill?” my dad replies
“No, Fred, nice to meet you”
Whenever I use calipers I zero them
Whenever my girlfriend wants to argue about something, she waits until I’m relaxing in my hammock.
Whenever I go out to eat I always tip my server.
I've also learned that servers have horrible balance.
Whenever I read this on green juices...
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Whenever a Polish person dances...
wouldn't it technically be Pole dancing?
I think my towel has a crush on me because whenever I rub it on me it gets wet
You say you can quit drinking whenever you feel like it...
But I bet you can't go more than two or three days without water.
Why is it that whenever you stand near Beethoven’s grave you hear his music playing backwards?
Because he’s decomposing.
I’m a bit uneducated. Whenever the World Health Organization is in the news…
Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.
Whenever I see a school bus, I think about my uncles last words...
I always laugh at this whenever I rewatch the episodes. Idk why I find this so funny lol
Whenever my friends want to sharpen their pencils I always argue they should let me do it..
When they see the pencil they tell me I make a good point.
What do you call a thot whenever they retire?
My old man always thought he was hilarious in the supermarket; whenever the cashier asked “would he would like the milk in a bag”
He would reply, “No, just leave it in the carton”
Whenever I tell a dad joke somebody says "wow are you sure you aren't a dad?"
They sound just like those strange children who are always in my house
Whenever I'm around Hispanic people i only say "mucho"
Whenever I go fishing, I switch my playlist and listen to...
Whenever I encountered one of life's little traumas, my Dad would take me to one side and say "it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft"
Bless him - He meant well
When I turned into a teenager, my dad repeatedly emphasized the importance of using a condom whenever I have sex.
He said, “Anyone who would sleep with you would sleep with almost anyone else.”
Whenever the chef is tired, he says,
Whenever you wanna join the airforce, just remember one thing...
You can never VTOL enough
Whenever I see Americans make fun of Kim Jong-un, I think to myself
Come on, you're bigger than that.
Wife: Did you know that you keep reciting the vowels under your breath whenever you are stressed?
I salivate uncontrollably whenever I see fruit, cream and meringue...
It's a Pavlovian response.
Whenever my friend walks into a room, he has this weird habit of taking the batteries out of all the clocks.
He claims he can stop it at any time.
Whenever the server asks my Grandpa how he wants his steak done, he holds his fork and knife up and says "just walk the cow on by!"
My GPS is difficult to use whenever I try to look up specific coordinates.
"Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can’t be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I’m not dead yet!'”
Whenever I tell my friends that I got my incredibly detailed tattoos in Barcelona, they seem surprised.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Whenever I ask my dad what's for dinner he answers "food," when I ask what kind of food he says "Edible food."
Whenever my wife's on her period, she does this weird thing where she calls me up and just exhales deeply…
It's probably her menstrual sigh call…
Whenever I feel down I look at my legs.
They help me get back on my feet
There was a drug dealer who had conditioned his men such that whenever the clock struck 12 at midnight, they would come to him for their daily stash.
And he was known as Pavlov Escobar.
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
Whenever I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
"Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'"
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!"
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
Whenever I see a girl I like with another man I feel prisoner to my emotions
I spend a night in Jailousy
Whenever I ask a person what LGBT means, I can never a straight answer
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton!"
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton!"
When I was younger, my Dad used to throw quarters at me whenever I acted stupidly.
He said, “Maybe that’ll knock some cents into you.”
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton!"
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