Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
Did you hear about the crow where everytime it makes a noise sornething big happens?
It has a caws and effect relationship
I used to go out with a girl who used to punch me on my face everytime she had an orgasm
I didn't mind too much, until I found out, she was faking them.
Everytime I go there I get upset.
Me everytime someone asks for help
Everytime I put my car in reverse
I think, huh, this takes me back
My school going son throws a tantrum everytime I bring up maths and numbers in ordinary conversations
Well, what can i say, kids his age are irrational
Jesus was an automobile enthusiast and had a car he really loved. Everytime Jesus went to visit his parents, he would return with his car sporting a new colour
His father was a Carpainter
I saw an interview with Sean Connery about how he used to scuba dive for seafood. He said, "everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,
Everytime I see a plasma TV...
I may not be a dad, but what do I do everytime I go to the sink cupboard in the kitchen?
I sing: "Under the Sink (Under the Sink)!" Even in a poor slightly Jamaican accent...
Everytime I do something I shouldn't do my dad force me to scroll through this subreddit
He calls it: "The Punishment"
Everytime I get asked if I'm a organ donor...
I reply with why does it matter what state I donate to?
Everytime the harpist struck a C chord, it was like they were playing a different instrument..
Everytime I type vulva, my phone changes it to Volvo
I'm a pretty funny guy, everytime I make a joke atleast 1 person laughs
Unfortunately I'm usually the only one!
My dad always used to say the same thing everytime we ate at a restaurant when on vacation.
When the waiter asks "Are you finished?" "No, we're swedish."...
I have anxiety everytime I use a gun.
Everytime I open a bag of M&Ms it's like the final question in a round of Mastermind...
.... I've started, so I'll finish.
My dad says this everytime we get lost
Dad: Did I ever tell you I'm part of an Indian tribe
Me: Which one?
Dad: They were called the wherethefuckarewe
If I had £1 for everytime someone told me I was s*;t at maths
Everytime I see a post on here...
Everytime I wash my contacts in water it makes my eyes sting.
If only there was a solution.
Everytime I cross a railroad I say, "I can tell a train has passed by here."
"I know that because I can see it's tracks."
Gets a laugh everytime
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
No?
So you're the asshole...
My coworkers, everytime I say a pun.
I asked my dad to bring me a glass of water, so he pointed at my aquarium and said "you have plenty" and walked out, and now everytime I ask for water he does this
Everytime I tell Dad jokes
I trained my 5 kids (5 & under) to say "dadjokes" everytime I sneak one in [video link]
Here's a montage 😅 https://youtu.be/z6woHmrn144
Everytime I do the Fonzie gag, my son always does that cheeky comeback, watch:
Everytime I fart...
"Well your voice has changed, but your breath still smells the same!"
Everytime my dad sees a dog in public
So this joke is originally in Spanish;
Ese si es hijo de perra.
Translated as;
That one there is a real son of a bitch.
Girlfriend falls for it everytime...
Driving in a car
Me: HEY! </points out window>
Her: What??
Her: </Notices bails of hay on side of road>
Me: </Laughs ass off>
Her: I hate you
My dad legit says this everytime we eat a salad...
Dad, everytime we go to this store we see the same people!
Us.
(My 7-year-old daughter at the grocery store this morning).
Everytime my dad farts..
..he goes "Alright, who farted in my pants?!"
Everytime i do coke...
I end up gettin ice in my nose
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