This makes me laugh every time
I used to get small shocks every time I touched metal objects, but I don't anymore.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
Every time I go to walmart an employee follows me.
I think i have a stocker.
I hate working for what I want. Capitalism has ruined everything. Every time I dip my pen in the company ink, nine months later my wife hires a new employee.
Knew an bird watcher who lived so long he saw every bird except one. On his deathbed he was asked if he thought he used his time well
He said he had no Egretes
I fall sick every time I try to journal
I must be allergic to diary
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.
I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.
Do you know what 50 Cent used to do every time he got hungry
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
Every time I put my car in reverse.
Every time I see the initials for Hayley Atwell I always laugh.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
I buy a new clock every time a new social movement forms.
Because the times, they are a-changin'.
I'd smoke a cigarette every time after sex...
Thanks to my wife I've stopped smoking.
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
Every time you make a typo,
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
My friend opened a tea store. He told me that every time he stocks the bottled tea products, they sell out within hours...
Business has been Brisk, baby!
The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.
He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.
He earned the nickname “the machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.
And the day he retired a reporter asked him “How does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”
Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. “What do you mean?” He said.
The reporter clarified “literally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”
Hugh looked dejected and disappointed “yeah, my greatest failure...”
“What do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.
Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.
“I’ve been aiming left this whole time”
Flip flops are fun. Every time you take a step....
....it's like a high five for your foot.
I got a new tablet computer but I'm nervous every time I use it.
I guess you could say I have Surface tension.
Every time I ask my son what a new phrase means, he tells me to google it.
Kids these days have a lot of slang for a killer clown movie.
Every time the camper heard something rustle in the woods he shouted, "It's a grizzly!"
Guess he was a bit bearanoid.
I’m reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. They’ve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.
It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just can’t-elope
My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in rashes every time I give you your wages ?"
I said, "Because I am allergic to peanuts."
Every time I invest in Coke...
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
Every time we asked our dad if we could have pets, he refused.
He said, “Pets are just a step backwards.”
My grandpa used to have a job keeping score at baseball games. Every time someone scored a run, he'd whack up a mark on a chalkboard.
Nowadays you'd call him a scorekeeper, but back then he was a tally whacker.
It’s weird- I can’t help but talk about footwear every time I sneeze.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
Every time my dad goes to the eye doctor, they ask him to read the smallest text on the chart out loud.
He says, "Printed in China."
This is a true story lol.
You know, it seems like every time I kill a gnat, another one appears.
So, I guess you could say they're appearing at the drop of a gnat.
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
Every time I finish my jog, I like to eat a protein bar. Lately, though, I'm having trouble swallowing it
I hope it doesn't become a running gag
I post a pun everyday on this subreddit hoping it’ll blow but I’m disappointed.. every time!
Every time I travel to a new city, I like to take a picture of myself in front of the tomes of books...
I just have to take shelfies!
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
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